Carry On Jeeves

Othe* books by
P C WODEHCuSE
uniform with this edition

BARMY IN WOND RLAND
BLANDINGS CASTLE
THE CLICKING OF JtTTHBERT
A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
THE GIRL ON THE BOAT
THR HEART OF A GOOF
HEAVY WEATHER
HOT WATER
IF I WERE YOU
THE INIMITABLE JEEVES
JILL TH£ RECKLESS
LAUGHING GAS

LORD EMSWORTH AND OTHERS
THE LUCK OF THE BODKINS
MEET MR MULLINER
MONEY FOR NOTHING
QUICK SERVICE
RIGHT HO, JEEVES
SUMMER MOONSEQfNB
THANK YOU, JEEVES
UKR2DGB

VERY GOOD, JEEVES
YOUNG MEN IN SEATS

0

Carry On 3 Jeeves

2

HERBERT JENKINS
LONDON

Ft^st Published by
Herbert Jenkins Lir&ted,
3 Duke of York Street ,
London > SW1
1925

First published %e<he
Autograph Edition
1960

TO

BERNARD LE STRANGE

Printed m Great Bntam by

John Gardner (. Printers ) Ltd , Litherland , Liverpool , 20

CONTENTS

CHAPTER

I JEEVES TAKES CHARGE
II THE. ARTISTIC CAREER OF CORKY
III JEEVES AND THE UNBIDDEN GUEST
TV JEEVES AND THE HARD-BOILED EGG
V THE AUNT AND THE SLUGGARD
VI THE RUMMY AFFAIR OF OLD BIFFY
VII WITHOUT THE OPTJON
*£& FIXING IT FOR FREDDIE
IX CLUSTERING ROUND YOUNG BINGO
X BERTIE CHANGES HIS MIND

Jeeves Takes Charge

N ow, tou ching this business of old Jeeves — my man, you
know-how do we eland? Lots of people think I’m much
too dependent on him My Aunt Agatha, in fact, has even gone
so far as to call him my keeper Well, wJjrfS I say is Why not£
The man’s a genius From the collar -upward he stands alone
I gave up trying to run my own affairs within a week of his coming
to me That was about half a dozen years ago, directly after
the rather rummy business of Florence Craye, my Unde
Willoughbys book, and Edwin, the Boy Scout
The thing really began when J got bach to Easeby, my unde’s
place m Shropshire I was spending a week or so there, as I
generally did m the summer, and I had had to break my visit
to come bade to London to get a new valet I had found Meadowes,
the fellow I had taken to Easeby with me, snealung my silk
socks, a thing no bloke of spirit could stick at any price It
transpiring, moreover, that he had looted a lot of other things
here and there about the place, I was reluctantly compelled to
hand the misguided blighter the mitten and go to London to ask
the registry office to dig up another specimen for my approval
They sent me Jeeves

I shall always remember the morning he came Tt so happened
that the night before I had been present at a rather cheery
little supper, and I was feeling pretty rocky On top of this I
was trying to read a book Florence Craye had given me She
had been one of the house-party at Easeby, and two or three
days before I left we had got engaged I was due back at the end
of the week, and I knew she would expect me to have finished
the book by then You see, she was particularly keen on boosting
me up a bit nearer her own plane of intellect She was a girl with
a wonderful profile, but steeped to the gills m senous purpose
I can’t give you a better idea of the way things stood than by
telling you that the book she’d given me to read was called
“Types of Ethical Theory,” and that when I opened it at random
I struck a page beginning

7

S CARRY ON, JEEVES

% ‘TAe postulate or common understanding involved m speech
^s certamly co-extenswe, in the obligation it carries, with' the
social organism of which language is. the instrument, and the
ends of which it is an effort to subsewe ”

All perfectly true, no doubt, but not the sort of thing to
spring on a lad with a morning head
I was doing my best to skim through this bright little volume
when the bell rang I crawled off the sofa and opened the door
A kind of darkish sort of respectful Johnnie stood without
m “I was sent by agency, sir,” he said “I was given to
understand that you required a valet”

I’d have preferred an undertaker, but I told him to stagger
in, and he floated noiselessly through the doorway like a healing
zephyr That impressed me from the start Meadowes had had
flat feet and used to dump This fellow didn’t seem t6 have any
feet at all He just streamed m He had a grave, sympathetic
free, as if he, too, knew what it was to sup with the lads
“Excuse me, sir,” he said gently

Then he seemed to flicker, and wasn’t there any longer
I heard hup moving about m the kitchen, and presently he
came back with a glass on a tray
“If you would drink this, sir,” he said, with a land of bedside
manner, rather Jike the royal doctor shooting the bracer into the
sick prince “It is a little preparation £f my own invention It
is the Worcester Sauce that gives it its colour The raw egg
makes it nutritious The red pepper gives it its bite Gentlemen
have told me they have found it extremely invigorating after a
late evening ”

I would have dutched at anything that looked like a life-line
that morning I swallowed the stuff For a moment I felt as if
somebody had touched off a bomb inside the old bean and was
strolling down my throat with a lighted torch, and then everything
seemed suddenly to get all right The sun shone in through
the window, birds twittered in the tree-tops, and, generally
speaking, hope dawned once more
“You’re engaged'” I said, as soon as I could say anything
I perceived dearly that this cove was one of the world’s workers,
the sort no home should be without
“Thank you, sir My name is Jeeves ”

“You can start in at once?”

JEEVES TAKES CHARGE 9

“Immediately, sir” - _

“Because I’m due down at Easeby, m Shropshire, the day
after to-morrow ”

“Very good, sir” He looked past me at the mantelpiece
“That is an excellent likeness of Lady Florence Craye, sir It is
two years since I saw her ladyship I was at one tune in Lord
Worplesdon’s employment I tendered my resignauon because
I could not see eye to eye with his lordship m his desire to
to dine m dress trousers, *a flannel shirt, and a shooting coat ”

He couldn’t tell me anything I didn’timow about the old
boy’s eccentricity This Lord Worplesdgjfwas Florence’s father*
He was the old buster who, a few years later, came down to
breakfast one morning, lifted the first cover he saw, said “Eggs 1
Eggs' Eggs' Damn ail eggs'” in an overwrought sort of voice,
and instantly legged it for France, never to return to the bosom
of his family This, mind you, being a bit of luck for the bosom
of the family, for old Worplesdon had the worst temper in the
county

I had known the family ever since I was a kid, and from
boyhood up this old boy had put the fear of death mto me
Time, the great healer, could never remove from my memory
the occasion when he found me— then a stripling of fifteen —
smoking one of his special agars m the stables He got after
me with a hunting-crop just at die moment when I was be ginning
to realise that what I wanted most on earth was solitude and
repose, and chased me more than a mile across difficult country.
IftEhere was a flaw, so to speak, m the pure joy of being engaged
to Florence, it was the fact that she rather took after her father,
and one was never certain when she might erupt She had a
wonderful profile, though

“Lady Florence and I are engaged, Jeeves,” I said

“Indeed, sir?”

You know, there was a land of rummy somethin g about his
manner Perfectly all right and all that, but not what you’d call
chirpy It somehow gave me the impression that he wasn’t keen
on Florence Well, of course, it hasn’t my business I supposed
that while he had been valeting old Worplesdon she must have
trodden on his toes m some way Florence was a dear girl, and,
seen sideways, most awfully good-looking, but if she had a fault
it was a tendency to be a bit imperious with the domestic staff

At this pomt in the proceedings there-was another ring at the

10 CARRY ON, JEEVES

front door Jeeves shimmered out and o»me back with a telegram
I opened it It ran

Return immediately ’’Extremely Urgent Catch first tram
Florence

“Rum'” I said

“Sir?”

“Oh, nothing'”

It shows how littlej knew Jeeves in those days that I didn’t go
*S bit deeper mto the matter with him Nowadays I would never
dream of rea ding a r utnVny communication without asking him
what he thought of it And this one was devilish odd What I
mean is, Florence knew I was going back to Easeby the day
after to-morrow, anyway, so why the hurry call 5 Something
must have happened, of course, but I couldn’t see what on earth
it could be

“Jeeves,” I said, “we shall be going down to Easeby this
afternoon Can you manage it ?”

“Certainly, sir ”

“You can get your packing done and all that 5 ”

“Without any difficulty, sir Which suit will you wear for the
journey?”

“This one”

I had on a rather sprightly young chack that morning, to which
I was a good deal attached, I fancied it, in fact, more than a little
It was perhaps rather sudden till you got used to it, but, neverthe-
less, an extremely sound effort, which many lads at the dub and
elsewhere had admired unrestrainedly

“Vary good, sir ”

Again there was that kind of rummy something m his manner
It was the way he said it, don’t you know He didn’t like the suit
I pulled myself together to assert myself Something seemed to
tell me that, unless I was jolly careful and nipped this lad in the
bud, he would be starting to boss me He had the aspect of a
distinctly resolute blighter

Well, I wasn’t going to have any of that sort of thing, by Jove'
I’d seen so many cases of fellows who had become perfect slaves
to their valets I remember poor old Aubrey Fothergdl telling
me — with absolute tears in his eyes, poor chap' — one night at the
dub, that he had been'compdled to give up a favourite pair of

JEEVJ3S TAKES CHARGE II

brown shoes simply becluse Meekyn, his man, disapproveS cjf
them You have to keeplthese fellows m their place, don’t you
know' You have to worr the good ojfd iron-hand-in-the-velvet-
glove wheeze If you give them a wHat’s-its-name, they take a
thingummy

“Don’t you like this suit, Jeeves ?” I said coldly
“Oh, yes, sir ”

“Well, what don’t you like about it ?”

“It is a very nice suit, sir ”

“Well, what’s wrong with it ? Out with it* dash it 1 ”

“If I mig ht make the suggestion, sir, ^simple brown or blue,

with a hint of some quiet troll ”

“What absolute rot 1 ”

“Very good, sir ”

“Perfectly blithering, my dear man!”

“As you say, sir ”

I felt as if I had stepped on theplace where the last stair ought
to have been, but wasn’t I felt defiant, if you know what I mean,
and there didn’t seem anything to defy
“All right, then,” I said
“Yes, sir ”

And then he went away to collect his kit, while I started in
a gain on “Types of Ethical Theory” and took a stab at a chapter
headed “Idiopsychological Ethics”

Most of the way down in the train that afternoon, I was wonder-
ing what could be up at the other end I simply couldn’t see what
could have happened Easeby wasn’t one of those country houses
you read about in the society novels, where young girls are lured
on to play baccarat and then skinned to the bone of their jewellery,
and so on The house-party I had left had consisted entirely of
law-abiding birds like myself

Besides, my uncle wouldn’t have let anything of that kind go
on in his house He was a rather stiff, precise sort of old boy, who
liked a quiet life He was just finishing a history of the family or
something , which he had been Working on for the last year, and
didn’t stir much from the library He was rather a good instance
of what they say about it being a good scheme for a fellow to
sow his wild oats I’d been told that in his youth Uncle Willoughby
had been a bit of a bounder You would never have thought it to
look at him now

12 CARRY ON, JEEVES

\frhen I got to the house, OakshottJthe butler, told me that
Florence was in her room, watching hie maid pack Apparently
there was a dance on at & house aboil twenty miles awajr that
night, and she was motoring over with some of the Easeby lot and
would be away some nights Oakshott said she had told him to
tell her the moment I arrived, so I trickled into the smoking-room
and waited, and presently in she came A glance showed me that
she was perturbed, and even peeved Her eyes had a goggly look,
and altogether she appeared considerably pipped
“Darling'” I said* and attempted the good old embrace, but
■*fae side-stepped like xbantam weight
“Don’t'”

“What’s the matter?”

“Everything’s the matter' Bertie, you remember asking me,
when you left, to make myself pleasant to your uncle ?”

“Yes ”

The idea bemg, of course, that as at that time I was more or
less dependent on Uncle Willoughby I couldn’t very well marry
without his approval And though I knew he wouldn’t have any
objection to Florence, having known her father since they were
at Oxford together, I hadn’t wanted to take any chances, so I
had told her to make an effort to fascinate the old boy
“You told me it would please him particularly if I asked him
to read me some of his history of the family ”

“Wasn’t he pleased ?”

“He was delighted He finished writing the thing yesterday
afternoon, and read me nearly all of it last night I have never
had such a shock in my life The book is an outrage It is impos-
sible It is horrible'”

“But, dash it, the family weren’t so bad as all that ”

“It is not a history of the family at all Your unde has wntten
his reminiscences ! He calls them ‘Recollections of a Long Life’ '”
I began to understand As I say. Uncle Willoughby had been
somewhat on the tabasco side as a young man, and it began to
look as if he might have turned out something pretty fruity if he
had started recollecting his long*life
“If half of what he has wntten is true,” said Florence, “your
unde’s youth must have been perfectly appalling The moment
we began to read he plunged straight into a most scandalous
story of how he and my father were thrown out of a music-hall in
18871 ”

JEEfES TAKES CHARGE

13

“Why’”

“I decline to tell youfwhy ”

It,must have been something pretty bad It took a lot to make
them chuck people out -of music-halls in 1887
“Your uncle specifically states that father had drunk a quart
and a half of champagne before be ginnin g the evening,” she went
on “The book is foil of stones like that There is a dreadful one
about Lord Emsworth ”

“Lord Emsworth? Npt the one we know’ Not the one at
Blandmgs?”

A most respectable old Johnnie, don’t you know Doesn’t do^jtj
thing nowadays but dig m the garden^ath a spud
“The very same That is what makes the book so unspeakable
It is full of stones about people one knows who are the essence of
propnety to-day, but who seem to have behaved, when they were
m London in the ’eighties, in a manner that would not have been
tolerated in the fo’c’slc of a whaler Your unde seems to remember
everything disgraceful that happened to anybody when he was
m his early twenties There is a story about Sir Stanley Gervase-
Gervase at Rosherville Gardens which is ghastly in its perfection
of detail It seems that Sir Stanley— but I can’t tell you 1 ”

"Have a dash'”

“No'”

“Oh, well, I shouldn’t worry No publisher will print the book
if it’s as bad as all that ”

“On the contrary, yobr unde told me that all negotiations are
settled with Riggs and Ballinger, and he’s sending off the manu-
script to-morrow for immediate publication They make a special
thing of that sort of book They pubhshed Lady Carnaby's
‘Memories of Eighty Interesting Years’ ”

“I read ’em 1 ”

“Well, then, when I tell you that Lady Carnaby’s Memories
are simply not to be compared with your unde’s Recollections,
you will understand my state of mind And father appears in
nearly every story in the book 1 1 am horrified at the things he did
when he was a young man 1 ”

“What’s to be done ’”

“The manuscript must be intercepted before it reaches Riggs
and Ballinger, and destroyed 1 ”

I sat up

This sounded rather sporting

14 CARRY ON, JEEV|S

“Hpw are you going to do it’” I inquired
>5^ How can I do it’ Didn’t I tell youlthe parcel goes off -to-
morrow’ I am going to the Murgatrojds’ dance to-night* and
shall not be back till Monday You milt do it That is why I
telegraphed to you ”

“What'”

She gave me a look

“D& you mean to say you refuse to help me, Bertie’”

“No, but — I say>”

“It’s quite simple ”

‘‘But even if I What I mean is Of course, anything I

Si do— but— if you knfcy what I mean ”

“You say you want to marry me, Berne ?”

“Yes, of course, but still ”

For a moment she looked exactly like her old father

“I will never marry you if those Recollections are published ”

“But, Florence, old thing 1 ”

“I mean it You may look on it as a test, Berne If you havethe
resource and courage to carry this thing through, I will take it as
evidence that you are not the vapid and shiftless person most
people think you If you fail, I shall know that your Aunt Agatha
was right when she called you a spineless invertebrate and advised
me strongly not to marry you It will be perfecdy simple for you
to intercept the manuscript, Berne It only requires a little
resolunon ”

“But suppose Uncle Willoughby catches me at it’ He’d cut
me off with a bob ”

“If you care more for your unde’s money than for me ”

“No, no' Rather not’”

“Very well, then The parcel containing the manuscript will,
of course, be placed on the hall table to-morrow for Oakshott to
take to the village with the letters All you have to do is to take it
away and destroy it Then your unde will think it has been lost in
the post”

It sounded thin to me
“Hasn’t he got a copy of it ?”

“No, it has not been typed He*s sending the manuscript just
he wrote it ”

“But he could write it over again ”

“As if he would have the energy 1 ”

“But ”

JEEtfes TAKES CHARGE 15

“If you are going to,|lo nothing but make absurd objections,
Bertie ”

“hwas only pointing things out ”

“Well, don’t 1 Once and for all, willtyou do me this quite simple
act of kindness?”

The way she put it gave me an idea
“Why not get Edwin to do it ? Keep it in the family, kqjd of,
don’t you know Besides, it would be a boon to the kid ”

A jolly bright idea it ^eemed to me Edwin was her young
brother, who was spending his holidays at Easeby He was a
ferret-faced kid, whom I had disliked since birth As a matter q£,
fact, talking of Recollections and Memoi&s, it was young blighted
Edwin who, nine years before, had led his father to where I was
smoking his agar and caused all the unpleasantness He was
fourteen now and had just joined the Boy Scouts He was one of
those thorough kids, and took his responsibilities pretty seriously.
He was always m a sort of fever because he was dropping behind
schedule with his daily acts of kindness However hard he tried,
he’d fall behind, and then you would find him prowling about the
house, setting such a clip to try and catch up with him self that
Easeby was rapidly becoming a perfect hell for man and beast
The idea didn’t seem to strike Florence
“I shall do nothing of the kind, Bertie I wonder you can’t
appreciate the compliment I am paying you — trusting you like
this”

“Oh, I see that all right, but what I mean is, Edwin would do
it so much better than I would These Boy Scouts are up to all
sorts of dodges They spoor, don’t you know, and take cover and
creep about, and what not ”

“Bertie, will you or will you not do this perfectly trivial thing
for me ? If not, say so now, and let us end tins farce of pretending
that you care a snap of the fingers for me ”

“Dear old soul, I love you devotedly'”

“Then will you or will you not ”

“Oh, all right,” I said “All nght! All right' All right!”

And then I tottered forth to think it over I met Jeeves in the
passage just outside

“I beg your pardon, sir I was endeavouring to find you ”
“What’s the matter >”

“I felt that I should tell you, sir, that somebody has been
putting blade polish on our brown walking shoes ”

16 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“What' Who? Why?”

“I could not say, sir ”

“Can anything be done with them?’

“Nothing, sir ”

“Damn'”

“Very good, sir ”

V

I’ve often wondered since then how these murderer fellows
manage to keep in shape while they’re,.contemplating then nest
effort I had a much simpler sort of job on hand, and the thought
jvjfit ratded me to such an extent in the night watches that I was a
perfect wreck next day '©ark circles under the eyes — I give you
my word' I had to call on Jeeves to rally round with one of those
life-savers of his

From breakfast on I felt like a bag-snatcher at a railway station
I had to hang about waiting for the parcel to be put on the hall
table, and it wasn’t put Unde Willoughby was a fixture in the
library, adding the finishing touches to the great work, I supposed,
and the more I thought the thing over the less I liked it The
chances a gains t my pulling it off seemed about three to two, and
the thought of what would happen if I didn’t gave me cold shivers
down the spine Unde Willoughby was a pretty mild sort of old
boy, as a rule, but I’ve known him to cut up rough, and, by Jove,
he was scheduled to extend himself if he caught me trying to get
away with his life work

It wasn’t till nearly four that he toddldd out of the library with
the pared under his arm, put it on the table, and toddled off
again I was hiding a bit to the south-east at the moment, behind
a suit of armour I bounded out and legged it for the table Then I
mpped upstairs to hide the swag I charged in like a mustang and
nearly stubbed my toe on young blighted Edwm, the Boy Scout
He was standing at the chest of drawers, confound him, messing
about with my ties
“Hallo 1 ” he said
“What are you doing here ?”

“I’m tidying your room It’s my last Saturday’s act of kindness ”
“Last Saturday^ ” *

“I’m five days behind I was six till last night, but I polished
your shoes ”

“Was it you ”

“Yes Did you see them ? I just happened to think of it I was

JEEYjps TAKES CHARGE 17

in here, looking roond^Air Berkeley had this room whil«*you
were away He left thi$ morning I thought perhaps he mig£t
havetleft something in if that I could have sent on I’ve often
done acts of kindness that way ” .

“You must be a' comfort to one and all 1 ”

It became more and more apparent to me that this infernal kid
must somehow be turned out eftsoons or right speedily Jshad
hidden the parcel behind my back, and I didn’t think he had seen
it, but I wanted to get at tljat chest of drawers quick, beforeanyone
else came along

“I shouldn’t bother about tidying the room,” I said
“I like tidying it It’s not a bit of trouble— really ”

“But it’s quite tidy now ”

“Not so tidy as I shall make it ”

This was getting perfectly rotten I didn’t want to murder the
kid, and yet there didn’t seem any other way of shifting him I
pressed down the mental accelerator The old lemon throbbed
fiercely I got an idea

“There’s something much kinder than that which you could
do,” I said “You see that box of cigars ? Take it down to the
smoking-room and snip off the ends for me That would save
me no end of trouble Stagger along, laddie ”

He seemed a bit doubtful, but he staggered I shoved the parcel
into a drawer, locked it, trousered the key, and felt better I might
be a chump, but, dash it, I could out-general a mere kid with a face
like a ferret I went downstairs again Just as I was passing the
smoking-room door out curveted Edwin It seemed to me
that if he wanted to do a real act of kindness he would co mmit
suicide

“I’m snipping them,” he said
“Snip on 1 Snip on 1 ”

“Do you like them snipped much, or only a bit ?”

"Medium”

“All right I’ll be getting on, then ”

“I should ”

And we parted

Fellows who know all about that sort of thing — detectives, and
so on — will tell you that the most difficult t hing in the world is to
get rid of the body I remember, as a kid, having to learn by heart a
poem about a bird by the name of Eugene Aram, who had the

18 CAREY ON, JEEVS

deunp of a job in. this respect All I can lfcall of the actual poetry
fethe bit that goes

u Tum-tum, tum-tum, tum-tumty-tum,

I slew km, tum-tum turn >”

Bqt I recollect that the poor blighter spent much of his valuable
tune dumping the corpse into ponds and burying it, and what not,
only to have it pop out at him again ^t was about an hour after
I had shoved the parcel mto the drawer when I realised that I had
Jgt myself in for just the same sort of thing
Florence had talked uhan airy sort of way about destroying the
manuscript, but when one came down to it, how the deuce can a
chap destroy a great chunky mass of paper in somebody else’s
house m the middle of summer ? I couldn’t ask to have a fire in
my bedroom, with the thermometer in the eighties * And if I
didn’t bum the thing, how else copld I get nd of it ? Fellows on the
battle-field eat dispatches to keep them from falling mto the hands
of the enemy, but it would have taken me a year to eat Uncle
Willoughby’s Recollections

I’m bound to say the problem absolutely baffled me The only
thing seemed to be to leave the parcel in the drawer and hope for
the best

I don’t know whether you have ever experienced it, but it’s a
dashed unpleasant thing having a crime on one’s conscience
Towards the end of the day the mere sight of the drawer began to
depress me I found myself getting all on edge, and once when
Unde Willoughby trickled silently mto the smoking-room when
I was alone there and spoke to me before I knew he was there, I
broke the record for the sitting high jump
I was wondering all the tame when Unde Willoughby would
sit up and take notice I didn’t think he would have tame to
suspect that anything had gone wrong tall Saturday morning,
when he would be expecting, of course, to get the acknowledgment
of the manuscript from the publishers But early on Friday even-
ing he came out of the library as I was passing and asked me to
step m He was looking considerably rattled
“Bertie,” he said— he always spoke in a precise sort of pompous
kind of way— “an exceedingly disturbing thing has happened As
you know, I dispatched the manuscript of my book to Messrs
Riggs and Ballinger, thj publishers, yesterday afternoon It

JEEVES TAKES CHARGE 19

should have reached theiA by the first post this morning Wl$r I
should have been uneasy. I cannot say, but my mind was no*
altogether at rest respecting the safety of the parcel I therefore
telephoned to Messrs Riggs and Ballinger a few moments back
to make inquiries To my consternation they informed me that
they ware not yet m receipt of my manuscript ”

“Very rum'”

“I recollect distinctly placing it myself on the hall table in
good time to be taken to thp village But here is a sinister thing I
have spoken to Oakshott, who took the rest of the letters to the
post office, and he cannot recall seeing it there He is, indeed, un-_
swerving in his assertions that when he went to the hall to collect
the letters there was no parcel among them ”

“Sounds funny 1 ”

“Bertie, shall I tell you what I suspect
“What’s that

“The suspicion will no doubt # sound to you incredible, but it
alone seems to fit the facts as we know them I incline to the
belief that the parcel has been stolen ”

“Oh, I say' Surely not 1 ”

“Wait' Hear me out Though I have said nothing to you before,
or to anyone else, concerning the matter, the fact remains that
during the past few weeks a number of objects — some valuable,
others not — have disappeared m this house The conclusion to
which one is irresistibly impelled is that we have a kleptomaniac
in our midst It is a peculiarity of kleptomania, as you are no
doubt aware, that the subject is unable to differentiate between
the intrinsic values of objects He will purloin an old coat as
readily as a diamond rmg, or a tobacco pipe costing but a few
shillings with the same eagerness as a purse of gold The feet that
this manuscript of mine could be of no possible value to any

outside person convinces me that ”

“But, uncle, one moment, I know all about those things that
were stolen It was Meadowes, my man, who pinched them I
caught him, s naffling my silk socks Right in the act, by Jove'”

He was tremendously impressed

“You amaze me. Borne' Send for the man at once and question

him 99

“But he isn’t here You see, directly I found that he was a
sock-sneaker I gave him the boot That’s why I went to London —
to get a new man ”

20

CARRY ON, JEE?ES

CThen, jf the man Meadowes is n # longer in the house, it
^could not be he who purloined my mat uscrmt The whole thing
is inexplicable ”

After which we brooded for a bit Uncle Willoughby pottered
about the room, registering baffledness, while I sat sucking at a
cigarette, feeling rather like a chappie I’d once read about in a
boqjjf, who murdered another cove and hid the body under the
dining-room table, and then had to be the life and soul of a
dinner party, with it there all the time My guilty secret oppressed
me to such an extent that after a while I couldn’t stidc it any
^longer I ht another cigarette and started for a stroll m the grounds,
oy way of cooling off

It was one of those still evenings you get in the summer, when
you can hear a snail clear its throat a mile away The sun was
sinking over the hills and the gnats were fooling about all over the
place, and everything smelled rather topping—' what with the
fa l ling dew and so on— and I was just beginning to feel a little
soothed by the peace of it all when suddenly I heard my nam e
spoken

“It’s about Bertie ”

It was the loathsome voice of young blighted Edwin 1 For a
moment I couldn’t locate it Then I realised that it came from the
library My stroll had taken me within a few yards of the open
window

I had often wondered how those Johnnies in books did it— I
mean the fellows with whom it was die work of a moment to do
about a dozen things that ought to have taken them about ten
minutes But, as a matter of fact, it was the work of a moment
with me to chuck away my cigarette, swear a bit, leap about ten
yards, dive into a bush that stood near the library window, and
stand there with my ears flapping I was as certain as I’ve ever
been of anything that all sorts of rotten things were m the
offing

“About Bertie ?” I heard Uncle Willoughby say

“About Bertie and your parcel I heard you talking to him just
now, I believe he’s got it ”

When I tell you that just ai I heard these frightful words a
fairly substantial beetle of sorts dropped from the bush down the
back of my neck, and I couldn’t even stir to squash the same, you
will understand that I felt pretty rotten Every thing seemed
against me.

JEEV2S TAKES CHARGE 21

“What do you mean, <ooy ? I was discussing the disappearance
of xay manuscript with Jeme only a moment back, and he prc^
fesseS himself as perplexed by the mystery as myself”

“Well, I was in his room yesterday afternoon, doing him an act
of kindness, and he came in with a parcel I could see it, though
he tried to keep it behind his back And then he asked me to go
to the smoking-room and snip some agars for him, andaboi#two
minutes afterwards he came down — and he wasn’t carrying any-
thing So it must be in htp room ”

I understand they deliberately teach these dashed Boy Scouts
to cultivate their powers of observation and deduction and what
not Devilish thoughtless and inconsiderate of them, I call it
Look at the trouble it causes

“It sounds incredible,” said Uncle Willoughby, thereby
bucking me up a trifle

“Shall I go and look m his room?” asked young blighted
Edwin “I’m sure the parcel’s^there ”

“But what could be his motive for perpetrating this extraordin-
ary theft?”

“Perhaps he’s a — what you said just now ”

“A kleptomaniac? Impossible 1 ”

“It mi gh t have been Bertie who took all those thin gs from the
very start,” suggested the little brute hopefully “He may be like
Raffles ”

“Raffles?”

“He’s a chap in a book who went about pinching things ”

“I cannot believe that Bertie would — ah — go about pinching

“Well, I’m sure he’s got the parcel I’ll tell you what you might
do You might say that Mr Berkeley wired that he had left
something here He had Bertie’s room, you know You might say
you wanted to look for it ”

“That would be possible I ”

I didn’t wait to hear any more Things were getting too hot I
sneaked softly out of my bush and raced for die front door I
sprinted up to my room and made for the drawer where I had put
the parcel And then I found 1 hadn’t the key It wasn’t for the
deuce of a tune that I recollected I had shifted it to my evening
trousers the night before and must have forgotten to take it out
again

Where the dickens were my evening thing s ? I had looked all

22 CARRY OK, JEEttS

ovekthe place before I remembered that Jeeves must have tat^n
them away to brush To leap at the bell And ring it was, with*me,
the work of a moment I had just rung it when there was a focftstep
outside, and m came Uncle Willoughby
“Oh, Bertie,” he said, without a blush, “I have — ah — received
a telegram from Berkeley, who occupied this room in your
absif}ce, asking me to forward him his — er — his cigarette-case,
which, it would appear, he inadvertently omitted to take with
him when he left the house I cannot find it downstairs, and it has,
therefore, occurred to me that he may have left it in this room I
jpll — er — just take a look around ”

It was one of the most disgusting spectacles I’ve ever seen —
this white-haired old man, who should have been thinking of the
hereafter, standing there lying like an actor
,“I haven’t seen it anywhere,” I said
“Nevertheless, I will search I must — ah — spare no effort ”

“I should have seen it if it had been here — what?”

“It may have escaped your notice It is — er— possibly in one of
the drawers”

He began to nose about He pulled out drawer after drawer,
pottering round like an old bloodhound, and babbling from time
to time about Berkeley and his cigarette-case m a way that struck
me as perfectly ghastly I just stood there, losing weight every
moment

Then he came to the drawer where the parcel was
“This appears to be locked,” he said, rattling the handle
“Yes, I shouldn’t bother about that one It— it’s — er— locked,
and all that sort of thing ”

“You have not the key?”

A soft, respectful voice spoke behind me
“I fancy, sir, that this must be the key you require It was in
the pocket of your evening trousers ”

It was Jeeves He had shimmered in, carrying my evening
things, and was standing there holding out the key I could have
massacred the man
“Thank you,” said my unde
‘.‘Not at all, sir ”

The next moment Unde Willoughby had opened the drawer
I shut my eyes

“No,” said Unde Willoughby, “there is nothing here The
drawer is empty. Thank yqji, Bertie I hope I have not disturbed

JBEV 3 S TAKES CHARGE 23

you I fancy — er — Berkeley must have taken his case with 'him,
aftefall ”

When he had gone I shut the door carefully Then I turned to
Jeeves The man was putting my evening things out on a chair
“Er— Jeeves'”

“Sir?”

“Oh, nothing ”

It was deuced difficult to know how to begin
“Er— Jeeves'”

“Sir?”

“Did you Was there Have you by chance

“I removed the parcel this morning, sir ”

“Oh— ah— why?”

“I considered it more prudent, sir ”

I mused for a while

“Of course, I suppose all this seems tolerably ru mm y to you,
Jeeves?” •

“Not at all, sir I chanced to overhear you and Lady Florence
speaking of the matter the other evening, sir ”

“Did you, by Jove 5 ”

“Yes, sir”

“Well— er— Jeeves, I think that, on the whole, if you were te-
as it were— freeze on to that parcel until we get back to London

“Exacdy, sir ”

“And then we might— er— so to speak— chuck it away some-
where — what?”

“Precisely, sir”

“I’ll leave it in your hands ”

“Entirely, sir ”

“You know, Jeeves, you’re by way of being rather a topper ”

“I endeavour to give satisfaction, sir ”

“One in a milhon, by Jove'”

“It is very land of you to say so, sir ”

"Well, that’s about all, then, I think ”

“Very good, sir ”

Florence came back on Monday I didn’t see her till we were
all having tea in the hall It wasn’t till the crowd had cleared
away a bit that we got a chance of having a word together
“Well, Bertie?” she said

CARRY ON, JEEfES

24

'It’s all right ”

“You have destroyed the manuscript 5”

“Not exactly, but ”

“What do you mean ?”

“I mean I haven’t absolutely ”

“Bertie, your manner is furtive 1 ”
all nght It’s this way ”

And I was just going to explain how things stood when out of
the library came leaping Uncle Willoughby, looking as braced as
a two-year-old The old boy was a changed man
“A most remarkable thing, Bertie' I have just been speaking
with Mr Riggs on the telephone, and he tells me he received my
manuscript by the first post this morning I cannot imagine wW
can have caused the delay Our postal facilities are extremely
inadequate in the rural districts I shall write to head quarters
about it It is insufferable if valuable parcels are to be 'delayed in
this fashion ”

I happened to be looking at Florence’s profile at the moment,
and at this juncture she swung round and gave me a look that
went nght through me like a knife Uncle Willoughby meandered
back to the library, and there was a silence that you could have
dug bits out of with a spoon

“I can’t understand it,” I said at last "I can’t understand it, by
Jove'”

“I can I can understand it perfectly, Bertie Your heart failed
you Rather than risk offending your uncle, you——”

“No, no' Absolutely'”

“You preferred to lose me rather than nsk losing the money
Perhaps you did not think I meant what I said I meant every
word Our engagement is ended ”

“But— I say!”

“Not another word!”

“But, Florence, old thin g '”

“I do not wish to hear any more I see now that your Aunt
Agatha was perfectly nght I consider that I have had a very lucky
escape There was a time when I fought that, with patience, you
might be moulded mto something worth while I see now that
you are impossible'”

And she popped off, leaving me to pick up the pieces When I
had collected the debns to some extent I went to my room and
rang for Jeeves He came m looking as if no thin g had happened

JEEV1S TAKES CHARGE 25

or was ever going to happen He was the calmest thing in cap-
tratjfe

"Jdves I yelled “Jeeves, that parcel has arrived in London !”

“Yes, sir*’

“Did you send it?”

“Yes, sir I acted for the best, sir I think that both you and
Lady Florence overestimated the danger of people being ofifeq^Sd
at being menuoned in Sir Willoughby’s Recollections It has
been my experience, sir, that the normal person enjoys seeing his
or her name in print, irrespective of what is said about them I
have an aunt, sir, who a few years ago was a martyr to swollen
limbs She tried Walkinshaw’s Supreme Ointment and obtained
considerable relief— -so much so that she sent them an unsolicited
testimonial Her pride at seeing her photograph in the daily
papers in connection with descriptions of her lower limbs before
taking, which were nothing less than revolting, was so intense
that it led me to believe that publicity, of whatever sort, is what
nearly everybody desires Moreover, if you have ever studied
psychology, sir, you will know that respectable old gentlemen
are by no means averse to having it advertised that they were
extremely wild in their youth I have an unde ”

I cursed his aunts and his uncles and him and all the rest of the

family

“Do you know that Lady Florence has broken off her engage-
ment with me?”

“Indeed, sir ?”

Not a bit of sympathy 1 1 might have been telling him it was a
fine day

“You’re sacked 1 ”

“Very good, sir ”

He coughed gently

“As I am no longer in your employment, sir, I can speak freely
without appearing to take a liberty In my opinion you and Lady
Florence were quite unsuitably matched Her ladyship is of a
highly determined and arbitrary temperament, quite opposed to
your own I was in Lord Worplesdon’s service for nearly a year,
during which time I had amplfe opportunities of studying her
ladyship The opinion of the servants’ hall was far from favourable
to her Her ladyship’s temper caused a good deal of adverse
comment among us It was at times quite impossible You would '
not have been happy, sir!”

26

CARRY ONj JEEVES

’‘Get out'”

“I think you would also have found her educational methods a
little trying, sir I have glanced at the book her ladyship gafa you
— it has been lying on your table since our arrival— and it is, in my
opinion, quite unsuitable You would not have enjoyed it And I
have it from her ladyship’s own maid, who happened to overhear
a %spversation between her ladyship and one of the gentlemen
staying here — Mr Maxwell, who is employed m an editorial
capacity by one of the reviews — that it was her intention to start
you almost immediately upon Nietzsche You would not enjoy
.Nietzsche, sir He is fundamentally unsound ”

"Get out'”

“Very good, sir ”

It’s r ummy how sleeping on a thing often makes you feel quite
different about it It’s happened to me over and over again
Somehow or other, when I wgke next morning the old heart
didn’t feel half so broken as it had done It was a perfectly topping
day, and there was something about the way the sun came in at the
window and the row the birds were kicking up m the ivy that made
me half wonder whether Jeeves wasn’t right After all, though she
had a wonderful profile, was it such a catch being engaged to
Florence Craye as the casual observer might imagine? Wasn’t
there something in what Jeeves had said about her character > I
began to realise that my ideal wife was something quite different,
something a lot more dinging and drooping and prattling, and
what not

I had got as far as this m thinking the thong out when that
“Types of Ethical Theory” caught my eye I opened it, and I
give you my honest word this was what hit me

Of the two antithetic term in the Greek philosophy one only
was real and self-subsisting , and that one was Ideal Thought as
opposed to that which it has to penetrate and mould The other,
corresponding to our Nature, was m itself phenomenal, unreal,
without any permanent footing, having no predicates that held
true for two moments together J in short, redeemed from negation
only by including realities appearing through

Well— I mean to say— what ? And Nietzsche, from all accounts,
a lot worse than that!

JEEVES TAKES CHARGE 27

“Jeeves,” I said, when he came in with my morning tea, “Fve
been-i|hinking it over You're engaged again ”

“TEank you, sir ”

I sucked down a cheerful mouthful. A great respect for this
bloke’s judgment began to soak through me
“Oh, Jeeves,” I said, “about that check suit ”

“Yes, sir?”

“Is it really a frost?”

“A trifle too bizarre, sir, % in my opinion ”

“But lots of fellows have asked me who my tailor is ”
“Doubtless in order to avoid him, sir ”

“He’s supposed to be one of the best men m London ”

“I am saying nothing against his moral character, sir ”

I hesitated a bit I had a fe eling that I was passing into this
chappie’s dutches, and that if I gave in now I should become just
like poor old Aubrey Fothergill, unable to call my soul my own
On die other hand, this was obvjpusly a cove of rare intelligence,
and it would be a comfort in a lot of ways to have him doing the
thinking for me I made up my mind
“All right, Jeeves,” I said “You know 1 Give the bally thing
away to somebody!”

He looked down at me like a father g ating tenderly at the
wayward child

“Thank you, sir I gave it to the under-gardener last night A
little more tea, sir

The Artistic Career of Corky

Y ou will notice, as you flit through these reminiscences of mine,
that from time to time the scene of action is laid in and around
the city of New York, and it is just pos*sible that this may occasion
the puzzled look and the start of surprise, “What,” it is possible
that you may ask yourselves, “is Bertram doing so far from his
beloved native land

Well, it’s a fairly longish story, but, reefing it down a bit and
turning it for the nonce into a two-reeler, what happened was that
my Aunt Agatha on one occasion sent me over to America to try to
stop young Gussie, my cousin, ^parrying a girl on the vaudeville
stage, and I got the whole thing so mixed up that I decided it
would be a sound scheme to stop on in New York for a bit instead
of going back and having long, cosy chats with her about the
affair

So 1 sent Jeeves out to find a decent flat, and settled down for a
spell of exile

I’m bound to say New York’s a most sprightly place to be
exiled in Everybody was awfully good to me, and there seemed
to be plenty of things going on so, take it for all in all, I didn’t
undergo any frightful hardships Blokes introduced me to other
blokes, and so on and so forth, and it wasn’t long before I knew
squads of the right sort, some who rolled in the stuff in houses up
by the Park, and others who lived with the gas turned down
mostly around Washington Square— artists and writers and so
forth Brainy coves

Corky, the bird I am about to treat of, was one of the artists A
portrait-painter, he called himself, but as a matter of fact his
score up to date had been ml You see, the catch about portrait-
painting — I’ve looked into the thing a bit— is that you can’t start
painting portraits nil people corfle along and ask you to, and they
won’t come and ask you to until you’ve painted a lot first This
makes it kind of difficult, not to say tough, for the ambitious
youngster

Corky managed to get along by drawing an occasional picture

28

THE ARTISTIC CAREER OF CORKY 29

for the comic papers — he had rather a gift for funny stuff wh£n
he gof*a good idea— and doing bedsteads and chairs and things
for the advertisements His principal source of income, however,
was derived from bi ting the ear of a nch uncle — one Alexander
Worple, who was in the jute business I’m a bit foggy as to what
jute is, but it’s apparently something the populace is pretty keen
on, for Mr Worple had made quite an indecently large stack ijtfi
of it

Now, a great many felloes think that having a nch unde is a
pretty soft snap, but, according to Corky, such is not the case
Corky’s unde was a robust sort of cove, who looked like living for
ever He was fifty-one, and it seemed as if he might go to par It
was not this, however, that distressed poor Corky, for he was not
bigoted and had no objection to the man going on living What
Corky kicked at was the way the above Worple used to harry him

Corky’s unde, you see, didn’t want him to be an artist He
didn’t think he had any talent m that direction He was always
urging him to chuck Art and go into the jute business and start
at the bottom and work his way up And what Corky said was that,
while he didn’t know what they did at the bottom of a jute business,
instinct told him that it was something too beastly for words
Corky, moreover, believed m his future as an artist Some day, he
said, he was going to make a hit Meanwhile, by usmg the utmost
tact and persuasiveness, he was inducing Ins unde to cough up
very grudgingly a small quarterly allowance

He wouldn’t have got this if his uncle hadn’t had a hobby Mr
Worple was peculiar in this respect As a rule, from what I’ve
observed, the American captain of industry doesn’t do anything
out of business hours When he has put the cat out and locked up
the office for the night, he just relapses into a state of coma from
which he emerges only to start being a captain of industry again
But Mr Worple in his spare time was what is known as an
ornithologist He had written a book called “American Birds”, and
was writing another, to be called "More American Birds”. When
he had finished that, the presumption was that he would begin a
third, and keep on till the supply of American birds gave out
Corky used to go to him about (face every three months and let
him talk about American birds Apparently you could do what
you liked with old Worple if you gave him his head first on his pet
subject, so these little chats used to make Corky’s allowance all
right for the time being But it was pretty rotten for the poor

30 CARRY ON, JEEVES

cfiap There was the frightful suspense, you see, and, apart from
that, birds, except when broiled and in the society of a colc^bottle,
bored him stiff

To complete the character-study of Mr Worple, he was a man
of extremely uncertain temper, and his general tendency was to
think that Corky was a poor diump and that whatever step he
fftqjc in any direction on his own account was just another proof
of his innate idiocy I should imagine Jeeves feels very much the
same about me

So when Corky trickled into my apartment one afternoon,
shooing a girl in front of him, and said, “Bertie, I want you to
meet my fiancee. Miss Singer,” the aspect of the matter which hit
me first was precisely the one which he had come to consult me
about The very first words I spoke were, “Corky, howaboutyour
uncle?”

The poor chap gave one of those mirthless laughs He was
looking anxious and worried, likg a man who has done the murder
all right but can’t think what the deuce to do with the body

“We’re so scared, Mr Wooster,” said the girl “We were
hoping that you might suggest a way of breaking it to him ”

Muriel Singer was one of those very quiet, appealing girls who
have a way of looking at you with their big eyes as if they thought
you were the greatest thing on earth and wondered that you
hadn’t got on to it yet yourself She sat there in a sort of shrinking
way, looking at me as if she were saying to herself, “Oh, I do
hope this great strong man isn’t going to hurt me ” She gave a
fellow a protective kind of feeling, made him want to stroke her
hand and say, “There, there, little one 1 ” or words to that effect
She made me feel that there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her
She was rather like one of those innocent-tasting American
drinks which creep imperceptibly into your system so that,
before you know what you’re doing, you’re starting out to reform
the world by force if necessary and pausing on your way to tell
the large man in the comer that, if he looks at you like that, you
will knock his head off What I mean is, she made me feel alert
and dashing, like a knight-errant or something of that kind I felt
that I was with her in this thing to the limit

“I don’t see why your unde shouldn’t be most awfully bucked,”
X said to Corky “He will think Miss Singer the ideal wife for
you”

Corky declined to cheer up

THE ARTISTIC CAREER OF CORKY 31

“You don’t know him Even if he did like Muriel, he wouldn’t
admityt That’s the sort of pig-headed ass he is It would be a
matter of principle with him to kick All he would consider
would he that I had gone and taken an important step without
asking his advice, and he would raise Cam automatically He’s
always done it ”

I strained the old bean to meet this emergency
‘You want to work it so that he makes Miss Singer’s acquaint-
ance without knowing that you know her Then you come along

“But how can I work it that way ?”

I saw his point That was the catch
“There’s only one thing to do,” I said
“What’s that 5 ”

“Leave it to Jeeves ”

And I rang the bell

“Sir v said Jeeves, kind of tpamfestmg himself One of the
rummy things about Jeeves is that, unless you watch like a hawk,
you very seldom see him come into a room He’s like one of those
weird birds in India who dissolve themselves into thin air and mp
through space m a sort of disembodied way and assemble the
parts again just where they want them I’ve got a cousin who’s
what they call a Theosophist, and he says he’s often nearly
worked the thing himself, but couldn’t quite bring it off, probably
owing to having fed m his boyhood on the flesh of animals slain
m anger and pie

The moment I saw the man standing there, registering respect-
ful attention, a weight seemed to roll off my mind I felt like a
lost child who spots his father m the o ffing
“Jeeves,” I said, “we want your advice ”

“Very good, sir ”

I boiled down Corky’s painful case into a few well chosen
words

“So you see what it amounts to, Jeeves We want you to su ggest
some way by which Air Worple can make Miss Singer’s acquaint-
ance without getting on to the feet that Mr Corcoran already
knows her Understand?”

“Perfectly, sir”

“Well, try to think of some thing ”

“I have thought of something already, sir ”

‘You have'”

32 CARRY ON, JEEVES

*‘The scheme I would suggest cannot fail of success, but it has
what may seem to you a drawback, sir, in that it requires a certain
financial outlay ” *

“He means,” I translated to Corky, “that he has got a pippin
of an idea, but it’s going to cost a bit ”

Naturally the poor chap’s face dropped, for this seemed to dish
the whole thing But I was still under the influence of the girl’s
melting gaze, and I saw that this was where I started in as the
kmght-errant

“You can count on me for all that sort of thing , Corky,” I said
“Only too glad Carry on, Jeeves ”

“I would suggest, sir, that Mr Corcoran take advantage of Mr
Worple’s attachment to ornithology ”

“How on earth did you know that he was fond of birds ?”

“It is the way these New York apartments are constructed, sir
Quite unlike our London houses The partitions between the
rooms are of the flimsiest nature With no wish to overhear, I
have sometimes heard Mr Corcoran expressmg hims elf with a
generous strength on the subject I have mentioned ”

“Oh' Well?”

“Why should not the young lady write a small volume, to be
entitled — let us say — ‘The Children’s Book of American Birds’
and dedicate it to Mr Worple? A limited edition could be pub-
lished at your expense, sir, and a great deal of the book would, of
course, be given over to eulogistic remarks concerning Mr
Worple’s own larger treatise on the same subject I should recom-
mend the dispatching of a presentation copy to Mr Worple,
immediately on publication, accompanied by a letter in which
the young lady asks to be allowed to make the acquaintance of one
to whom she owes so much This would, I fancy, produce the
desired result, but as I say, the expense involved would be con-
siderable ”

I felt like the proprietor of a performing dog on the vaudeville
stage when the tyke has just pulled off his trick without a hitch I
had betted on Jeeves all along, and I had known that he wouldn’t
let me down It beats me sometimes why a man with his genius is
satisfied to hang around pressing my clothes and what not If I
had half Jeeves’s brain I should have a stab at being Prime
Minister or something.

“Jeeves,” I said, “that is absolutely ripping! One of your very
best efforts ”

33

THE ARTISTIC CAREER OF CORKY

“Thank you, sir ”

The girl made an objection
“But I’m sure I couldn’t write a book about anything I can’t
even write good letters ”

“Muriel’s talents,” said Corky, with a little cough, “he more
in the direction of the drama, Bertie I didn’t mention it before,
but one of our reasons for being a trifle nervous as to how Unde
Alexander will receive the news is that Muriel is in the chorus of
that show ‘Choose your E^t* at the Manhattan It’s absurdly
unreasonable, but we both feel that fact might increase Unde
Alexander’s natural tendency to kick like a steer ”

I saw what he meant I don’t know why it is — one of these
psychology sharps could explain it, I suppose— but uncles and
aunts, as a class, are always dead against the drama, legitimate or
otherwise They don’t seem able to suck it at any price
But Jeeves had a solution, of course
“I fancy it would be a simple matter, sir, to find some impec-
unious author who would be glad to do the actual composition of
the volume for a small fee It is only necessary that the young
lady’s name should appear on the title page ”

“That’s true,” said Corky “Sam Patterson would do it for a
hundred dollars He writes a novelette, three short stories, and
ten thousand words of a serial for one of the all-fiction magazines
under different names every month A little thing like this would
be^nothing to him I’ll get after him right away ”

“Will that be all, sir?” said Jeeves “Very good, sir Thank you,
sir ”

I always used to think that publishers had to be devilish intel-
ligent fellows, loaded down with the grey matter, but I’ve got
their number now All a publisher has to do is to write cheques
at intervals, while a lot of deserving and industrious rha ppira
rally round and do the real work I know, because I’ve been one
myself I simply sat tight in the old flat with a fountain-pen, and
in due season a topping, shiny book came along
I happened to be down at Corky’s place when the first copies
of “The Children’s Book of American Birds” bobbed up
Muriel Singer was there, and we were talking of things in
general when there was a bang at the door and the parcel was
delivered.

34 CARRY ON, JEEVES

It was certainly some book It had a red cover with a fowl of
some species on it, and underneath the girl’s name in gol4 letters
I opened a copy at random

“Often of a spring morning,” it said at the top of page twenty-
one, “as you wander through the fields, you will hear the sweet-
toned, carelessly-flowing warble of the purple finch linnet When
^ou are older you must read all about him in Mr Alexander
Worple’s wonderful book, ‘American Birds’ ”

You see A boost for the uncle right away And only a few
pages later there he was in the limelight again in connexion with
the yellow-billed cuckoo It was great stuff The more I read, the
more I admired the chap who had written it and Jeeves’s genius
in putting us on to the wheeze I didn’t see how the unde could
fill to drop You can’t call a chap the world’s greatest authority
on the yellow-billed cuckoo without rousing a certain disposition
towards chumminess in him
“It’s a cert'” I said ,

“An absolute cinch'” said Corky

And a day or two later he meandered up the Avenue to my
flat to tell me that all was well The unde had written Muriel a
letter so dripping with the milk of human kindness that if he
hadn’t known Mr Worple’s handwriting Corky would have
refused to believe him the author of it Any time it suited Miss
Singer to call, said the unde, he would be delighted to make her
acquaintance

Shortly after this I had to go out of town Divers sound sports-
men had invited me to pay visits to their country places, and it
wasn’t for several months that I settled down in the city again I
had been wondering a lot, of course, about Corky, whether it all
turned out right, and so forth, and my first evening mNew York,
happening to pop into a quiet sort of little restaurant which I go
to when I don’t feel inclined for the bright lights, I found Muriel
Singer there, sitting by herself at a table near the door Corky, I
- took it, was out telephoning I went up and passed the time of day
“Well, well, well, what v ’ I said
“Why, Mr Wooster' How fio you do ?”

“Corky around?”

“I beg your pardon ?”

"You’re waiting for Corky, aren’t you 5 ”

“Oh, I didn’t understand No, I’m not waiting for him ”

THE ARTISTIC CAREER OF CORKY 35>

It seemed to me that there was a sort of something in her voice,
a kind of thingummy, you know
“I say, you haven’t had a row with Corky, have you ?”

“A row 5 ”

“A spat, don’t you know — little misunderstanding — faults on
both sides — er — and all that sort of thing ”

“Why, whatever makes you think that 5 ”

“Oh, well, as it were, what? What I mean is — I thought you
usually dined with him befoje you went to the theatre ”

“I’ve left the stage now ”

Suddenly the whole thing dawned on me I had forgotten what
a long time I had been away
“Why, of course, I see now 1 You’re married 1 ”

“Yes ”

“How perfecdy topping 1 1 wish you all lands of happiness ”
“Thank you so much Oh, Alexander,” she said, looking past
me, “this is a friend of mine — Mr Wooster ”

I spun round A bloke with a lot of stiff grey hair and a red sort
of healthy face was standing there Rather a formidable Johnnie
he looked, though peaceful at the moment
“I want you to meet my husband, Mr Wooster Mr Wooster
is a friend of Bruce’s, Alexander ”

The old boy grasped my hand warmly, and that was all that
kept me from hitting the floor in a heap The place was rocking
Absolutely

“So you know my nephew, Mr Wooster ?” I heard him say
“I wish you would try to knock a little sense into him and make
him quit this playing at painting But I have an idea that he is
steadying down I noticed it first that night he came to dinner
with us, my dear, to be introduced to you He seemed altogether
quieter and more serious Something seemed to have sobered him
Perhaps you will give us the pleasure of your company at dinner
to-mght, Mr Wooster 5 Or have you dined 5 ”

I said I had What I needed then was air, not dinner I felt that
I wanted to get into the open and think this thing out
When I readied my flat I heard Jeeves moving about in his
lair I called him *

“Jeeves,” I said, “now is the tune for all good men to come to
the aid of the party A stiff b -and-s first of all, and then I’ve a
bit of news for you ”

He came back with a tray and a long glass

$6 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“Better have one yourself, Jeeves You’ll need it ”

“Later on, perhaps, t h ank you, sir ”

“All nght Please yourself But you’re going to get a shock
You remember my friend, Mr Corcoran?”

“Yes, sir ”

“And the girl who was to slide gracefully into his uncle’s
esteem by writing the book on birds ?”

“Perfectly, sir”

“Well, she’s slid She’s married t|» unde ”

He took it without blinking You can’t rattle Jeeves
“That was always a development to be feared, sir ”

“You don’t mean to tell me that you were expecting it
“It crossed my mind as a possibility ”

“Did it, by Jove’ Well, I think you might have warned
us*”

“I hardly liked to take the liberty, sir ”

Of course, as I saw after I had had a bite to eat and was in a
calmer frame of mind, what had happened wasn’t my fault, if you
came down to it I couldn’t be expected to foresee that the scheme,
in itself a cracker-jack, would skid into the ditch as it had done,
but all the same I’m bound to admit that I didn’t relish the idea
of meeting Corky again until time, the great healer, had been able
to get in a bit of soothing work I cut Washington Square out
absolutely for the next few months I gave it the complete miss-
in-balk And then, just when I was beginning to think I night
safely pop down in that direction and gather up the dropped
threads, so to speak, tune, instead of working the healing wheeze,
went and pulled the most awful boner and put the hd on it Open-
ing the paper one morning, I read that Mrs Alexander Worple
had presented her husband with a son and heir
I was so dashed sorry for poor old Corky that I hadn’t the heart
to touch my breakfast I was bowled over Absolutely It was the
limit

I hardly knew what to do I wanted, of course, to rush down to
Washington Square and grip the poor blighter silently by the
hand, and then, thinking lt'over, I hadn’t the nerve Absent
treatment seemed the touch I gave it him in waves
But after a month or so I began to hesitate again It struck me
that it was playing it a bit low-down on the poor chap, avoiding
him like this just when he probably wanted his pals to surge

THE ARTISTIC CAREER OF CORKY

round him most I pictured him sitting in his lonely studio wjth
no company but his bitter thoughts, and the pathos of it got me to
such an extent that I bounded straight into a taxi and told the
driver to go all out for the studio
I rushed in, and there was Corky, hunched up at the easel,
p ainting away, while on the model throne sat a sever e-looking
female of middle age, holding a baby
A fellow has to be ready for that sort of thing
“Oh, ah i” I said, and started to back out
Corky looked over his shoulder

“Hallo, Bane Don’t go We’re just finishing for the day That
will be all this afternoon,” he said to the nurse, who got up with
the baby and decanted it into a perambulator which was s t a n di ng
in the fairway

“At the same hour to-morrow, Mr Corcoran?”

“Yes, please ”

“Good afternoon ”

“Good afternoon ”

Corky stood there, looking at the door, and then he turned to
me and began to get it off his chest Fortunately, he seemed to
take it for granted that I knew all about what had happened, so it
wasn’t as awkward as it might have been
"It’s my uncle’s idea,” he said “Muriel doesn’t know about it
yet The portrait’s to be a surprise for her on her birthday The
nurse takes the kid out ostensibly to get a breather, and they beat
it down here If you want an instance of the irony of fate, Bertie,
get acquainted with this Here’s the first commission I have ever
had to paint a portrait, and the sitter is that human poached egg
that has butted in and bounced me out of my inheritance Can you
beat it' I call it rubbing the thing in to expect me to spend my
afternoons gazing into the ugly face of a htde brat who to all
intents and purposes has hit me behind the ear with a black-jack
and swiped all I possess I can’t refuse to paint the portrait,
because if I did my uncle would stop my allowance, yet every
time I look up and catch that kid’s vacant eye, I suffer agonies I
tell you, Bertie, sometimes when he gives me a patronising glance
and then turns away and is sick, astf it revolted him to look at me, I
come within an ace of occupying the entire frontpage of the evening
papers as the latest murder sensation There are moments when I
can almost see the headlines ‘Promising Young Artist Beans
Baby With Axe’”

3$ CARRY ON, JEEVES

'i patted his shoulder silently My sympathy for the poor old
scout was too deep for words

I kept away from the studio for some tune after that, because it
didn’t seem right to me to intrude on the poor chappie’s sorrow
Besides, I’m bound to say that nurse intimidated me She re-
minded me so infernally of Aunt Agatha She was the same
gimlet-eyed type

But one afternoon Corky called me on the ’phone
“Bertie!”

“Hallo?”

“Are you doing anything this afternoon
“Nothing special ”

“You couldn’t come down here, could you ?”

“What’s the trouble ? Anything up ?”

“I’ve finished the portrait ”

“Good boy 1 Stout work 1 ”

“Yes ” His voice sounded rather doubtful “The feet is, Berne,

it doesn’t look quite right to me There’s something about it

My uncle’s coming in half an hour to inspect it, and— -I
don’t know why it is, but I kind of feel I’d like your moral
support'”

I began to see that I was letting myself m for something The
sympathetic co-operation of Jeeves seemed to me to be indicated
“You think he’ll cut up rough ?”

“He may”

I threw my mind back to the red-faced chappie I had met at the
restaurant, and tried to picture him cutting up rough It was
only too easy I spoke to Corky firmly on the telephone
“I’ll come,” I said
“Good'”

“But only if I may bring Jeeves.”

“Why Jeeves? What’s Jeeves got to do with it? Who wants
Jeeves? Jeeves is the fool who suggested the scheme that has
led ”

“Listen, Corky, old top' If you think I am going to face that
unde of yours without Jeeves’s support, you’re mistaken I’d
sooner go into a den of wild beasts and bite a lion onthebackof
the neck”

“Oh, all right,” said Corky Not cordially, but he said it; so I
rang for Jeeves, and explained the situation
“Very good, sir,” said Jeeves

THE ARTISTIC CAREER OF CORKY
We found Corky near the door, looking at the picture with one
hand up in a defensive sort of way, as if he thought it might swing
on him

“Stand right where you are, Bertie,” he said, without moving
“Now, tell me honestly, how does it strike you ?”

The light from the big window fell right on the picture I too^
a good look at it Then I shifted a bit nearer and took another
look Then I went back to where I had been at first, because it
hadn’t seemed quite so ba*4 from there
“Well?” said Corky anxiously
I hesitated a bit

‘ ‘Of course, old man, I only saw the kid once, and then only for
a moment, but— but it was an ugly sort of kid, wasn’t it, if I
remember rightly?”

“As ugly as that*”

I looked again, and honesty compelled me to be frank
“I don’t see how it could have* been, old chap ”

Poor old Corky ran his fingers through his hair in a tempera-
mental sort of way He groaned
“You’re quite right, Bertie Something’s gone wrong with the
darned thing My private impression is that, without knowing it,
I’ve worked that stunt that Sargent used to pull— painting the
soul of the sitter I’ve got through the mere outward appearance,
and have put the child’s soul on canvas ”

“But could a child of that age have a soul like that ? I don’t see
how he could have managed it in the time What do you think,
Jeeves?”

“I doubt it, sir”

“It— it sort of leers at you, doesn’t it?”

“You’ve noticed that, too ?” said Corky
“I don’t see how one could help noticing ”

“All I tried to do was to give the little brute a cheerful ex-
pression But, as it has worked out, he looks positively dissi-
pated ”

“Just what I was going to suggest, old man He looks as if he
were in the middle of a colossal spree, and enjoying every minute
of it Don’t you think so, Jeeves ?*’

“He has a decidedly inebriated air, sir ”

Corky was starting to say something, when the door opened
and the unde came in

For about three seconds all was joy, jOlhty, and good will The

CARRY ON, JEEVES

old boy shook hands with me, slapped Cocky on the bach, said he
didn’t think he had ever seen such a fine day, and whacked his
leg with his stick Jeeves had projected himself into the back-
ground, and he didn’t notice him
“Well, Bruce, my boy, so the portrait is really finished, is it—
Really finished * Well, bring it out Let’s have a look at it This
will be a wonderful surprise for your aunt Where is it "> Let’s — ”
And then he got it— suddenly, when he wasn’t set for the
punch, and he rocked back on his hpels
“Oosh 1 ” he exclaimed And for perhaps a minute there was
one of the scaliest silences I’ve ever run up against
“Is this a practical joke y ’ he said at last, in a way that set
about sixteen draughts cutting through the room at once
I thought it was up to me to rally round old Corky
“You want to stand a bit farther away from it,” I said
“You’re perfectly right 1 ” he snorted “I do 1 I want to stand
so far away from it that I can’* see the thing with a telescope 1 ”
He turned on Corky like an untamed tiger of the jungle which has
just located a chunk of meat “And this — this — is what you have
been wasting your tune and my money on for all these years' A
painter ' I wouldn’t let you paint a house of mine I gave you this
commission, thinking that you were a competent worker, and this
—this — this extract from a comic supplement is the result'” He
swung towards the door, lashing his til and growling to himself
“This ends it If you wish to continue this foolery of pretending
to be an artist because you want an excuse for idleness, please
yourself But let me tell you this Unless you report at my office
on Monday morning, prepared to abandon all this idiocy and
start in at the bottom of the business to work your way up, as
you should have done half a dozen years ago, not another cent —

not another cent— not another Boosh'”

Then the door dosed and he was no longer with us And I
crawled out of the bomb-proof shelter
“Corky, old top'” I whispered faintly
Corky was standing staring at the picture His free was set
There was a hunted look in his eye
“Well, that finishes it'” hei’muttered brokenly
“What are you going to do ?”

“Do? What can I do? I can’t stick on here if he cuts off
supplies You heard what he said I shall have to go to the office
on Monday ”

THE ARTISTIC CAREER OF CORKY

I couldn't think of a thing to say I knew exactly how he felt
about the office I don’t know when I’ve been so infernally un-
comfortable It was like hanging round trying to make convers-
ation to a pal who’s just been sentenced to twenty years in quod
And then a soothing voice broke the silence
“If I might make a suggestion, sir'”

It was Jeeves He had slid from the shadows and was gazing
gravely at die picture Upon my word, I can’t give you a better
idea of the shattering effect .of Corky’s Uncle Alexander when in
action than by saying that he had absolutely made me forget for
the moment that Jeeves was there
“I wonder if I have ever happened to mention to you, sir, a Mr
Digby Thistleton, with whom I was once in service ? Perhaps you
have met him * He was a financier He is now Lord Bndgworth It
was a favourite saying of his that there is always a way The first
tune I heard him use the expression was after the failure of a
patent depilatory which he promoted ”

“Jeeves,” I said, “what on earth are you talking about’”

“I mentioned Mr Thistleton, sir, because his was in some
respects a parallel case to the present one His depilatory failed,
but he did not despair He put it on the market again under the
name of Hair-o, guaranteed to produce a full crop of hair in a few
months It was advertised, if you remember, sir, by a humorous
picture of a billiard ball, before and after taking, and made such a
substantial fortune that Mr Thistleton was soon afterwards
elevated to the peerage for services to his Party It seems to me
that, if Mr Corcoran looks into the matter, he will find, like Mr
Thistleton, that there is always a way Mr Worple himself
suggested the soluuon of the difficulty In the heat of the
moment he compared the portrait to an extract from a coloured
comic supplement I consider the suggestion a very valuable one,
sir Mr Corcoran’s portrait may not have pleased Mr Worple as a
likeness of his only child, but I have no doubt that editors would
gladly consider it as a foundation for a senes of humorous draw-
ings If Mr Corcoran will allow me to make the suggestion, his
talent has always been for the humorous There is something
about this picture — something bold and vigorous, which arrests
the attention I feel sure it would be highly popular ”

Corky was glaring at the picture, and making a sort of dry,
sucking noise with his mouth He seemed completely over-
wrought

CARRY ON, JEEVES

And then suddenly he began to laugh in a wild way
“Corky, old man I said, massaging him tenderly I feared the
poor blighter was hysterical
He began to stagger about all over the floor
“He’s right' The man’s absolutely right' Jeeves, you’re a life-
eaver You’ve hit on the greatest idea of the age Report at the
office on Monday' Start at the bottom of the business' I’ll buy
the busmess if I feel like it I know the man who runs the comic
section of the Sunday Star He’ll eat this thing He was telling
me only the other day how hard it was to get a good new senes
He’ll give me anything I ask for a real winner like this I’ve got a
gold-mine Where’s my hat? I’ve got an mcome for life' Where’s
that confounded hat? Lend me a Aver, Bertie I want to take a
taa down to Park Row'”

Jeeves smiled paternally Or, rather, he had a kind of paternal
muscular spasm about the mouth, which is the nearest he ever
gets to smiling

“If I might make the suggestion, Mr Corcoran — for a title of
the series which you have in mind — ‘The Adventures of Baby
Blobbs ’ ”

Corky and I looked at the picture, then at each other in an
awed way Jeeves was right There could be no other title

“Jeeves,” I said It was a few weeks later, and I had just
finished looking at the comic section of the Sunday Star “I’m an
optimist I always have been The older I get, the more I agree
with Shakespeare and those poet Johnnies about it always being
darkest before the dawn and there’s a silver lining and what
you lose on the swings you make up on the roundabouts Look at
Mr Corcoran, for instance There was a fellow, one would have
said, dear up to the eyebrows in the soup To all appearances he
had got it right in the neck Yet look at him now Have you seen
these pictures ?”

“I took the liberty of glancing at them before bringing them
to you, sir Extremely diverting ”

“They have made a big hm you know ”

“I anticipated it, sir ”

I leaned back against the pillows

“You know, Jeeves, you’re a genius You ought to be drawing a
commission on these thjngs ”

“I have nothing to complain of in that respect, sir, Mr

THE ARTISTIC CAREER OF CORKY

Corcoran has been most generous I am putting out the brown
suit, sir”

“No, I think I’ll wear the blue with the faint red stripe ”
“Not the blue with the faint red stripe, sir ”

“But I rather fancy myself in it ”

“Not the blue with the faint red stripe, sir ”

“Oh, all right, have it your own way ”

“Very good, sir Thank you, sir ”

Jeeves and the Unbidden Guest

I ’m not absolutely certain of my facts, but I rather fancy it’s
Shakespeare— or, if not, it’s some equally brainy bird— who
says that it’s always just when a fellow is feeling particularly
braced with things m general that Fate sneaks up behind him with
the bit of lead piping And what I’m driving at is that the man is
perfectly right Take, for instance, the business of Lady Malvern
and her son Wilmot That was one of the scaliest affairs I was ever
mixed up with, and a moment before they came into my life
I was just thinking how thoroughly all right everything was
I was still in New York when the thing started, and it was
about the time of year when New York is at its best It was one of
those topping mornings, and I had just climbed out from under
the cold shower, feeling like a millio n dollars As a matter of fact,
what was bucking me up more than anything was the fact that
the day before I had asserted myself with Jeeves — absolutely
asserted myself, don’t you know You see, the way things had
been going on I was rapidly becoming a dashed serf The man
had jolly well oppressed me I didn’t so much mind when he
made me give up one of my new suits, because Jeeves’s judgment
about suits is sound and can generally be relied upon
But I as near as a toucher rebelled when he wouldn’t let me
wear a pair of doth-topped boots which I loved like a couple of
brothers And, finally, when he tried to tread on me like a worm
in the matter of a hat, I put the Wooster foot town and showed
him in no uncertain manner who was who
If s a long story, and I haven’t time to tell you now, but the
nub of the thing was that he wanted me to wear the White House
Wonder — as worn by President Coohdge — when I had set my
heart on the Broadway Special^ much patronised by the Younger
Set, and the end of the matter was that, after a rather painful
scene, I bought the Broadway Special So that’s how things were
on this particular morning, and I was feeling pretty manly and
independent

Well, I was in the bathroom, wondering what there was going

44

JEEVES AND THE UNBIDDEN GUEST

to be for breakfast while I massaged the spine with a rough
towel and sang slightly, when there was a tap at the door I
stopped singing and opened the door an inch
“What ho, without mere 1 ” I said
“Lady Malvern has called, sir ”

“Eh?”

“Lady Malvern, sir She is waning in the sitting-room ”
“Pull yourself together, Jeeves, my man,” I said rather
severely, for I bar practical jokes before breakfast “You know
perfectly well there’s no one waiting for me in the sitting room
How could there be when it’s barely ten o’clock yet?”

“I gathered horn her ladyship, sir, that she had landed horn
an ocean liner at an early hour this morning ”

This made the thing a bit more plausible I remembered that,
when I had arrived m America about a year before, the pro-
ceedings had begun at some ghastly hour like six, and that I had
been shot out on to a foreign shore considerably before eight
“Who the deuce is Lady Malvern, Jeeves ?”

“Her ladyship did not confide in me, sir ”

“Is she alone?”

“Her ladyship is accompanied by a Lord Pershore, sir I fancy
that his lordship would be her ladyship's son ”

“Oh, well, put out rich raiment of sorts, and I’ll be dressing ”
“Our heather-mixture lounge is in readiness, sir ”

“Then lead me to it ”

■While I was dressing I kept trying to think who on earth Lady
Malvern could be It wasn’t nil I had climbed through the top of
my shut and was reaching out for the studs that I remembered
“Pve placed her, Jeeves She’s a pal of my Aunt Agatha ”
“Indeed, sir?”

“Yes I met her at lunch one Sunday before I left London A
very vicious specimen Writes books She wrote a book on
social condmons in India when she came back from the Durbar ”
“Yes, sir ? Pardon me, sir, but not that tie ”

“Eh?”

“Not that tie with the heather-mixture lounge, sir ”

It was a shock to me I thought^ had quelled the fellow It was
rather a solemn moment 'What I mean is, if I weakened now, all
my good work the night before would be thrown away. I braced
myself

“Whaf s wrong with this tie ? I’ve seen you give it a nasty look

CARRY ON, JEEVES

before Speak out like a man' What’s the matter with it?”

“Too ornate, sir ”

“Nonsense' A cheerful pink Nothing more ”

“Unsuitable, sir ”

“Jeeves, this is the tie I wear'”

“Very good, sir ”

* Dashed unpleasant I could see that the man was wounded
But I was firm I tied the tie, got into the coat and waistcoat, and
went into the sitting-room
“Hullo-ullo-ullo '” I said “What?”

“Ah' How do you do, Mr Wooster ? You have never met my
son Wilmot, I think "> Motty, darling, this is Air Wooster ”
Lady Malvern was a hearty, happy, healthy, overpowering
sort of dashed female, not so very tall but making up for it by
measuring about six feet from the 0 P to the Prompt Side She
fitted into my biggest arm-chair as if it had been built round her
by someone who knew they .-were wearing arm-chairs tight
about the haps that season She had bright, bulging eyes and a lot
of yellow hair, and when she spoke she showed about fifty-seven
front teeth She was one of those women who kind of numb a
fellow’s faculties She made me feel as if I were ten years old
and had been brought into the drawing-room m my Sunday
clothes to say how-d’you-do Altogether by no means the sort of
thing a chappie would wish to find in his sitting-room before
breakfast

Motty, the son, was about twenty-three, tall and thin and meek-
lookmg He had the same yellow hair as his mother, but he wore
it plastered down and parted in the middle His eyes bulged, too,
but they weren’t bnght They were a dull grey with pink runs His
chon gave up the struggle about half-way down, and he didn’t
appear to have any eyelashes A mild, furtive, sheepish sort of
blighter, in short

“AwfiiUy glad to see you,” I said, though this was far from the
case, for already I was beginning to have a sort of feeling that
dirty work was threatening in the offing “So you’ve popped over,
eh 5 Making a long stay m America?”

“About a month Your aunt gave me your address and told me
to be sure to call on you ”

I was glad to hear this, for it seemed to indicate that Aunt
Agatha was beginning to come round a bit As I believe I told you
before, there had been some slight unpleasantness between us.

JEEVES AND THE UNBIDDEN GUEST

ansing from the occasion when she had sent me over to New York
to disentangle my cousin Gussie from the clutches of a gal on the
music-hall stage When I tell you that by the time I had finished
my operauons Gussie had not only married the girl but had
gone on the Halls himself and was doing well, you’ll understand
that relations were a trifle strained between aunt and nephew

I simply hadn’t dared go back and face her, and it was a relief
to find that time had healed the wound enough to make her tell
her pals to call on me What I mean is, much as I liked America,
I didn’t want to have England barred to me for the rest of my
natural, and, believe me, England is a jolly sight too small for
anyone to live m with Aunt Agatha, if she’s really on the war-path
So I was braced at hearing these words and smiled genially on the
assemblage

“Your aunt said that you would do anything that was in your
power to be of assistance to us ”

“Rather* Oh, rather Absolutely ”

“Thank you so much I want you to put dear Motty up for a
little while ”

I didn’t get this for a moment

“Put him up > For my dubs ?”

“No, no 1 Darling Motty is essentially a home bird Aren’t you,
Motty, darling?”

Motty, who was sucking the knob of his suck, uncorked him-
self

“Yes, mother,” he said, and corked himself up again

“I should not like him to belong to dubs I mean put him up
here Have him to live with you while I am away ”

These frightful words trickled out of her like honey The
woman simply didn’t seem to understand the ghastly nature of her
proposal I gave Motty the swift east-to-west He was sitting with
his mouth nuzzling the stick, blinking at the wall The thought
of having this planted on me for an indefinite period appalled me
Absolutely appalled me, don’t you know I was just starting to
say that the shot wasn’t on the board at any price, and that the
first sign Motty gave of trying to nestle into my little home I
would yell for the police, whe^ she went on, rolling placidly
over me, as it were

There was something about this woman that sapped one’s will-
power

“I am leaving New York by the midday tram, as I have to pay

CARRY OK, JEEVES

a\isit to Smg-Smg prison I am extremely interested in prison
conditions in America After that I work my way gradually across
to the coast, visiting the points of interest on the journey You
see, Mr Wooster, I am in America principally on business No
doubt you read my book, ‘India and the Indians’ ? My publishers
are anxious for me to write a companion volume on the United
^States I shall not be able to spend more than a month in the
country, as I have to get back for the season, but a month should
be ample I was less than a month in India, and my dear friend
Sir Roger Cremome wrote his ‘America from Within’ after a
stay of only two weeks I should love to take dear Motty with me,
but the poor boy gets so sick when he travels by tram I shall
have to pick him up on my return ”

From where I sat I could see Jeeves in the dining-room, laying
the breakfast table I wished I could have had a minute with him
alone I felt certain that he would have been able to think of some
way of putting a stop to this wojnan
“It will be such a relief to know that Motty is safe with you,
Mr Wooster I know what the temptations of a great city are
Hitherto dear Motty has been sheltered from them He has lived
quietly with me in the country I know that you will look after
him carefully, Mr Wooster He will give very little trouble ” She
talked about the poor blighter as if he wasn’t there Not that
Motty seemed to mind He had stopped chewing his walking-
stick and was sitting there with his mouth open “He is a vegetarian
and a teetotaller and is devoted to reading Give him a nice
book and he will be quite contented ” She got up “Thank you
so much, Mr Wooster I don’t know what I should have done
without your help Come, Motty We have just time to see a
few of the sights before my tram goes But I shall have to rely on
you for most of my information about New York, darling Be
sure to keep your eyes open and take notes of your impressions
It will be such a help Good-bye, Mr Wooster I will send Motty
back early in the afternoon ”

They went out, and I howled for Jeeves
“Jeeves'”

“Sir*’

“What’s to be done? You heard it all, didn’t you? You were
m the dining-room most of the tune That pill is coming to stay
here”

“Pill, sir?”

JEEVES AND THE UNBIDDEN GUEST

“The excrescence ”

“I beg your pardon, sir ?”

I looked at Jeeves sharply This sort of thing wasn’t like him
Then I understood The man was really upset about that tie He
was trying to get his own back

“Lord Pershore will be staying here from to-night, Jeeves,” I
said coldly

“Very good, sir Breakfast is ready, sir ”

I could have sobbed into the bacon and eggs That there wasn’t
any sympathy to be got out of Jeeves was what put the lid on it
For a moment I almost weakened and told him to destroy the
hat and tie if he didn’t like them, but I pulled myself together
again I was dashed if I was going to let Jeeves treat me like a
bally one-man chain-gang

But, what with brooding on Jeeves and brooding on Motty, I
was in a pretty reduced sort of state The more I examined die
situation, the more blighted it, became There was nothing I
could do If I slung Motty out, he would report to his mother,
and she would pass it on to Aunt Agatha, and I didn’t like to
think what would happen then Sooner or later I should be
wanting to go back to England, and I didn’t want to get there and
find Aunt Agatha waiting on the quay for me with a stuffed
eelskm There was absolutely nothing for it but to put the fellow
up and make the best of it

About midday Matty’s luggage arrived, and soon afterward a
large parcel of what I took to be nice books I brightened up a
litde when I saw it It was one of those massive parcels and looked
as if it had enough in it to keep him busy for a year I felt a trifle
more cheerful, and I got my Broadway Special and stuck it on my
head, and gave the pink ue a twist, and reeled out to take a bite of
lunch with one or two of the lads at a neighbouring hostelry,
and what with excellent browsing and sluicing and cheery con-
versation and what-not, the afternoon passed quite happily By
dinner-time I had almost forgotten Mottos existence

I dined at the dub and looked in at a show afterward, and it
wasn’t till fairly late that I got back to the flat There were no
signs of Motty, and I took it that^he had gone to bed

It seemed rummy to me, though, that the parcel of nice books
was still there with the string and paper on it It looked as if
Motty, after seeing mother off at the station, had decided to call
it a day

CARRY ON, JEEVES

Jeeves came m with the nightly whisky-and-soda I could tell
by the chappie’s manner that he was still upset
“Lord Pershore gone to bed, Jeeves ?” I asked, with reserved
hauteur and what-not

“No sir His lordship has not yet returned ”

“Not returned ? What do you mean ?”

“His lordship came m shortly after six-thirty, and, ha ving
dressed, went out again ”

At this moment there was a noise outside the front door, a
sort of scrabbling noise, as if somebody were try ing to paw his
way through the woodwork Then a sort of thud
“Better go and see what that is, Jeeves ”

“Very good, sir ”

He went out and came back again

“If you would not mind stepping this way, sir, I think we migh t
be able to carry him in ”

“Carry him in?”

“His lordship is lying on the mat, sir ”

I went to the front door The man was right There was Motty
huddled up outside on the floor He was moaning a bit
“He’s had some sort of dashed fit,” I said I took another look
“Jeeves' Someone’s been feeding him meat 1 ”

“Sir?”

“He’s a vegetarian, you know He must have been digging
into a steak or something Call up a doctor'”

“I hardly think it will be necessary, sir If you would take his
lordship’s legs, while I ”

“Great Scott, Jeeves' You don’t think— he can’t be ”

“I am inclined to think so, sir ”

And, by Jove, he was right! Once on the nght track, you
couldn’t mistake it Motty was under the surface Completely
sozzled

It was the deuce of a shock
“You never can tell, Jeeves'”

“Very seldom, sir ”

“Remove the eye of authority and where are you ?”
“Precisely, sir ” #

“Where is my wandering boy to-night and all that sort of
thing, what?”

“It would seem so, sir ”

“Well, we had better bfing him in, eh ?’^ te

JEEVES AND THE UNBIDDEN GUEST $1

“Yes, sir”

So we lugged him in, and Jeeves put him to bed, and I lit a
cigarette and sat down to think the thing over I had a kind of
foreboding It seemed to me that I had let myself in for something
pretty rocky

Neat morning, after I had sucked down a thoughtful cup of tea^
I went into Motty’s room to investigate I expected to find the
fellow Ifwreck, but there he was, sitting up m bed, quite chirpy,
reading Gingery Stones
“What ho'” I said
“What ho'” said Motty
“What ho' What ho'”

“What ho' What ho' What ho!”

After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the con-
versation

“How are you feeling this morning?” I asked
“Topping 1 ” replied Motty, blithely and with abandon “I say,
you know, that fellow of yours — Jeeves, you know — is a corker
I had a most frightful headache when I woke up, and he brought
me a sort of rummy dark drink, and it put me right again at once
Said it was his own invention I must see more of that lad He
seems to me distinctly one of the ones ”

I couldn’t believe that this was the same blighter who had sat
and sucked his stick the day before
“You ate something that disagreed with you last night, didn’t
you v> I said, by way of giving him a chance to slide out of it if he
wanted to But he wouldn’t have it at any price
“No'” he replied firmly “I didn’t do anything of the kind I
drank too much Much too much Lots and lots too much And,
what’s more. I’m going to do it again I’m going to do it every
night If ever you see me sober, old top,” he said, with a kind
of holy exaltation, “tap me on the shoulder and say, c Tut' Tut 1 ’
and Fll apologise and remedy the defect ”

“But I say, you know, what about me ?”

“What about you ?”

“Well, I’m, so to speak, as it were, kind of responsible for you
What I mean to say is, if you go cooing this sort of thing I’m apt
to get in the soup somewhat ”

“I can’t help your troubles,” said Motty firmly “Listen to me,
old thing this is the first time in my life that I’ve had a real
chance to yield to the temptations of a great city What’s the use

52 CARRY ON, JEEVES

of a great aty having temptations if fellows don’t yield to them?
Makes it so bally discouraging for the great city Besides, mother
told me to keep my eyes open and collect impressions ”

I sat on the edge of the bed I felt dizzy
“I know just how you feel, old dear,” said Motty consolingly
“And, if my principles would permit it, I would simmer down for
your sake But duty first 1 This is the first tune I’ve been let out
alone, and I mean to make the most of it We’re only yoilSg once
Why interfere with life’s morning ? Young man, rejoice in thy
youth' Tra-la' What ho'”

Put like that, it did seem reasonable
“All my bally life, dear boy,” Motty went on, “I’ve been cooped
up in the ancestral home at Much Middlefold, in Shropshire, and
till you’ve been cooped up in Much Middlefold you don’t know
what cooping is The only time we get any excitement is when
one of the choir-boys is caught sucking chocolate during the
sermon When that happens, we talk about it for days I’ve got
about a month of New York, and I mean to store up a few
happy memories for the long winter evenings This is my only
chance to collect a past, and I’m going to do it Now tell me, old
sport, as man to man, how does one get in touch with that very
decent bird Jeeves ? Does one ring a bell or shout a bit ? I should
like to discuss the subject of a good stiff b -and-s with him ”

I had had a sort of vague idea, don’t you know, that if I stuck
dose to Motty and went about the place with him, I might act
as a bit of a damper on the gaiety What I mean is, I thought that
if, when he was being the life and soul of the party, he were to
catch my reproving eye he might ease up a trifle on the revelry
So the next night I took him along to supper with me It was the
last time I’m a quiet, peaceful sort of bloke who has lived all his
life in London, and I can’t stand the pace these swift sportsmen
from the rural districts set What I mean to say is. I’m all for
rational enjoyment and so forth, but I think a chappie makes
himself conspicuous when he throws soft-boiled eggs at the
electric fan. And decent mirth and all that sort of thing are all
right, but I do bar dancing on/ables and having to dash all over
the place dodging waiters, managers, and chuckers-out, just
when you want to sit still and digest
Directly I managed to tear myself away that night and get home,
I made up my mind that*this was jolly well the last tune that I

JEEVES AND THE UNBIDDEN GUEST 53

went about with Motty The only time I met him late at night
after that was once when I passed the door of a fairly low-down
sort of restaurant and had to step aside to dodge him as he sailed
through the air en route for the opposite pavement, with a
muscular looking sort of fellow peering out after him with a
kind of gloomy satisfaction

In ajgay, I couldn’t help sympathising with the chap He had'
about four weeks to have the good time that ought to have been
spread over about ten years, and I didn’t wonder at his wanting
to be pretty busy I should have been just the same in his place
Still, there was no denying that it was a bit thick If ithadn’t been
for die thought of Lady Malvern and Aunt Agatha in the back-
ground, I should have regarded Mottos rapid work with an
indulgent smile But I couldn’t get rid of the feeling that, sooner or
later, I was the lad who was scheduled to get it behind the ear
And what with brooding on this prospect, and sitting up in the
old flat waiting for the familiar'footstep, and putting it to bed
when it got there, and stealing into the sick-chamber next mo rning
to contemplate the wreckage, I was be ginning to lose weight
Absolutely becoming the good old shadow, I give you my honest
word Starting at sudden noises and what-not
And no sympathy from Jeeves That was what cut me to the
quick The man was still thoroughly pipped about the hat and tie,
and simply wouldn’t rally round One morning I wanted com-
forting so much that I sank the pnde of the Woosters and ap-
pealed to the fellow direct
“Jeeves,” I said, “this is getting a bit thick'”

“Sir>”

“You know what I mean This lad seems to have chucked all
the principles of a well-spent boyhood He has got it up his nose
“Yes, sir”

“Well, I shall get blamed, don’t you know You know what my
Aunt Agatha is ”

“Yes, sir ”

“Very well, then”

I waited a moment, but he wouldn’t unbend
“Jeeves,” I said, “haven’t you -any scheme up your sleeve for
coping with this blighter 5 ”

“No, sir”

And he shimmered off to his lair Qbstmate devil! So dashed
absurd, don’t you know It wasn’t as if there was anything wrong

54 CARRY ON, JEEVES

with that Broadway Special hat It was a remarkably priceless
effort, and much admired by the lads But, just because he
preferred the White House Wonder, he left me flat
It was shortly after this that young Motty got the idea of
brin ging pals bach in the small hours to continue the gay revels
in the home This was where I began to crack under die strum
**You see, die part of town where Iwas living wasn’t the ndjt place
for that sort of thing I knew lots of chappies down Washington
Square way who started the evening at about two a m — artists
and writers and so forth who frolicked considerably till checked
by die arrival of the morning milk That was all right They like
that sort of thin g down there The neighbours can’t get to sleep
unless there’s someone dancing Hawaiian dances over their heads
But on Fifty-seventh Street the atmosphere wasn’t right, and
when Motty turned up at three in the morning with a collection
of hearty lads, who only stopped singing then college song when
they started singing “The Old Oaken Bucket”, there was a
marked peevishness among the old setders in the flats The
management was extremely terse over the telephone at breakfast-
tune, and took a lot of soothing
The next night I came home early, after a lonely dinner at a
place which I’d chosen because there didn’t seem any chance of
meeting Motty there The sitting-room was quite dark, and I was
just moving to switch on the light, when there was a sort of
explosion and something collared hold of my trouser-leg Living
with Motty had reduced me to such an extent that I was simply
unable to cope with this thing I jumped backward with a loud
yell of anguish, and tumbled out into die hall just as Jeeves came
out of his den to see what the matter was
“Did you call, sir?”

“Jeeves 1 There’s something in there that grabs you by the
leg'”

“That would be Rollo, sir ”

“Eh?”

- “I would have warned you of his presence, but I did not hear
you come in His temper is a little uncertain at present, as he has
not yet settled down ”

“Who the deuce is Rollo ?”

“His lordship’s bull-temer, sir His lordship won him in a
raffle, and tied him to the leg of the table If you will allow me, sir,
I will go in and switch on the light ”

JEEVES AND THE UNBIDDEN GUEST 55

There really is nobody like Jeeves He walked straight into -the
sitting-room, the biggest feat since Darnel and the lions’ den,
without a quiver What’s more, his magnetism or whatever they
call it was such that the dashed animal, instead of pinning him by
the leg, calmed down as if he had had a bromide, and rolled
over on his back with all his paws in the air If Jeeves had been,
his nalg^nde he couldn’t have been more chummy Yet directly
he caught sight of me again, he got all worked up and seemed to
have only one idea in life^-to start chewing me where he had left
off

“Rollo is not used to you yet, sir,” said Jeeves, regarding the
bally quadruped m an admiring sort of way “He is an excellent
watchdog ”

“I don’t want a watchdog to keep me out of my rooms ”

“No, sir ”

“Well, what am I to do ?”

“No doubt in time the animal will learn to discriminate, sir
He will learn to distinguish your peculiar scent ”

“What do you mean— -my peculiar scent? Correct the impres-
sion that I intend to hang about m the hall while life slips by, in
the hope that one of these days that dashed animal will decide
that I smell all right ” I thought for a bit “Jeeves 1 ”

“Sir>”

“I’m going away— to-morrow morning by the first tram I
shall go and stop with Mr Todd in the country ”

“Do you wish me to accompany you, sir ?”

“No ”

“Very good, sir ”

“I don’t know when I shall be back Forward my letters ”

“Yes, sir ”

As a matter of feet, I was back within the week Rocky Todd,
the pal I went to stay with, is a rummy sort of a chap who lives
all alone m the wilds of Long Island, and likes it, but a little of
that sort of thing goes a long way with me Dear old Rocky is one
of the best, but after a few days in his cottage in die woods, miles
away from anywhere. New York, even with Motty on the premises,
began to look pretty good to me -The days down on Long Island
have forty-eight hours in them, you can’t get to sleep at night
because of the bellowing of the cnckets, and you have to walk
two miles for a drink and six for an, evening paper I thanked
Rocky for his kind hospitality, and caught die only tram they

56 CARRY ON, JEEVES

have down in those parts It landed me in New York about
dinn er-time I went straight to the old flat Jeeves came oat of his
lair I looked round cautiously for Rollo
“Where’s that dog, Jeeves ? Have you got him tied up >*

“The animal is no longer here, sir His lordship gave him to the
porter, who sold him His lordship took a prejudice against the
animal on account of being bitten by him in the calf of thcjsg ”

I don’t think I’ve ever been so bucked by a bit of news I felt
I had misjudged Rollo Evidently, when you got to know him
better, he had a lot of good in him
“Fine 1 ” I said “Is Lord Pershore in, Jeeves’”

“No, sir”

“Do you expect him back to dinner ?”

“No, sir”

“Where is he’”

“In prison, sir ”

“In prison 1 ”

“Yes, sir”

“You. don’t mean— in prison ?”

“Yes, sir”

I lowered myself into a chair
“Why?” I said

“He assaulted a constable, sir ”

“Lord Pershore assaulted a constable 1 ”

“Yes, sir”

I digested this

“But, Jeeves, I say 1 This is frightful'”

“Sir?”

"What will Lady Malvern say when she finds out ?”

“I do not fancy that her ladyship will find out, sir ”

“But she’ll come back and want to know where he is ”

“I rather fancy, sir, that his lordship’s bit of time will have
run out by then ”

“But supposing it hasn’t ’”

“In that event, sir, it may be judicious to prevaricate a little ”
“How’”

“If I might make the suggestion, sir, I should inform her lady-
ship that his lordship has left for a short visit to Boston ”

“Why Boston?”

“Very interesting and respectable centre, sir ”

“Jeeves, I believe you’ve hit it.”

57

JEEVES AND THE UNBIDDEN GUEST

“I fancy so, sir ”

“Why, this is really the best thing that could have happened
If this hadn’t turned up to prevent him, young Motty would have
been in a sanatorium by the tune Lady Malvern got back ”
“Exactly, sir”

The more I looked at it in that way, the sounder this prison,
whee ge se emed to me There was no doubt in the world that
prison wks just what the doctor ordered for Motty It was the
only thing that could have pulled him up I was sorry for the
poor blighter, but after all, I reflected, a fellow who had lived all
his life with Lady Malvern, in a small village in the interior of
Shropshire, wouldn’t have much to kick at m a prison Alto-
gether, I began to feel absolutely braced again Life became like
what the poet johnnie says — one grand, sweet song Things went
on so comfortably and peacefully for a couple of weeks that I give
you my word that I’d almost forgotten such a person as Motty
existed The only flaw in the scheme of things was that Jeeves
was still pained and distant It* wasn’t anything he said, or did,
mind you, but there was a rummy something about him all the
tune Once when I was tying the pink tie I caught sight of him
in the looking-glass There was a kind of grieved look in his eye
And then Lady Malvern came back, a good bit ahead of
schedule I hadn’t been expecting her for days I’d forgotten how
tune had been slipping along She turned up one morning while I
was still in bed sipping tea and thinking of this and that Jeeves
flowed in with the announcement that he had just loosed her into
the sitting-room I draped a few garments round me and went in
There she was, sitting in the same arm-chair, looking as
massive as ever The only difference was that she didn’t uncover
the teeth as she had done the first time
“Good morning,” I said “So you’ve got back, what?”

“I have got back ”

There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as
if she had swallowed an east wind This I took to be due to the
feet that she probably hadn’t breakfasted It’s only after a bit of
breakfast that I’m able to regard the world with that sunny
cheenness which makes a fellov^ the universal favourite I’m
never much of a lad nil I’ve engulfed an egg or two and a beaker
of coffee

“I suppose you haven’t breakfasted^”

“I have not yet breakfasted ”

58 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“Won’t you have an egg or something? Or a sausage or some-
thing? Or something’”

“No, thank you ”

She spoke as if she belonged to an anti-sausage society or a
league for the suppression of eggs There was a bit of a silence
“I called on you last night,” she said, “but you were out ”
“Awfully sorry Had a pleasant trip
“Extremely, thank you ”

“See everything’ Niagara Falls, Yellowstone Park, and the
jolly old Grand Canyon, and what-not?”

“I saw a great deal ”

There was another slightly frappe silence Jeeves floated silently
into the dining-room and began to lay the breakfast-table
“I hope Wilmot was not in your way, Mr Wooster?”

I had been wondering when she was going to mention Motty
“Rather not' Great pals Hit it off splendidly ”

“You were his constant companion, then’”

“Absolutely We were always together Saw all the sights,
don’t you know We’d take in the Museum of Art m the morning,
and have a bit of lunch at some good vegetarian place, and then
toddle along to a sacred concert in the afternoon, and home to an
early dinner We usually played dominoes after dinner And then
the early bed and the refreshing sleep We had a great time I was
awfully sorry when he went away to Boston ”

“Oh! Wilmot is in Boston?”

“Yes I ought to have let you know, but of course we didn’t
know where you were You were dodging all over the place like a
snipe — I mean, don’t you know, dodging all over the place, and
we couldn’t get at you Yes, Motty went off to Boston ”

“You’re sure he went to Boston ?” __

“Oh, absolutely ” I called out to Jeeves, who was now messing
about in the next room with forks and so forth “Jeeves, Lord
Pershore didn’t change his mind about going to Boston, did he ’”
“No, sir”

“I thought I was right Yes, Motty went to Boston ”

“Then how do you account, Mr Wooster, for the fact that
when I went yesterday aftemopn to Blackwell’s Island prison, to
secure material for my book, I saw poor, dear Wilmot there,
dressed in a stuped suit, seated beside a pile of stones with a
hammer in his bands ?”

I tried to think of something to say, but nothing came A

JEEVES AND THE UNBIDDEN GUEST 59

fellow has to be a lot broader about the forehead than I am to
handle a jolt like this I strained the old bean nil it creaked, but
between the collar and the hair parting nothing stirred I was
dumb Which was lucky, because I wouldn’t have had a chance to
get any persiflage out of my system Lady Malvern collared the
conversation She had been bottling it up, and now it came out
with qjjush

“So tSfe is how you have looked after my poor, dear boy, Mr
Wooster 1 So this is how you have abused my trust 1 1 left him in
your charge, thinking that I could rely on you to shield him from
evil He came to you innocent, unversed m the ways of the world,
confiding, unused to the temptations of a large city, and you led
him astray 1 ”

I hadn’t any remarks to make All I could think of was the
picture of Aunt Agatha drinking all this in and reaching out to
sharpen the hatchet against my return
“You deliberately ”

Far away in the misty distance a soft voice spoke
“If I might explain, your ladyship ”

Jeeves had projected himself in from the dining-room and
materialised on the rug Lady Malvern tried to freeze him with a
look, but you can’t do that sort of thing to Jeeves He is look-
proof

“I fancy, your ladyship, that you may have misunderstood Mr
Wooster, and that he may have given you the impression that he
was m New York when his lordship was — removed When Mr
Wooster informed your ladyship that his lordship had gone to
Boston, he was relying on the version I had given him of his
lordship’s movements Mr Wooster was away, visiting a friend
in the country, at the tune, and knew nothing of the matter till
your ladyship informed him ”

Lady Malvern gave a kind of grunt It didn’t rattle Jeeves
“I feared Mr Wooster might be disturbed if he knew the
truth, as he is so attached to his lordship and has taken such
pains to look after him, so I took the liberty of te lling him that his
lordship had gone away for a visit It might have been hard for
Mr Wooster to believe that his^lordship had gone to prison
voluntarily and from the best motives, but your ladyship, knowing
him better, will readily understand ”

“What 1 ” Lady Malvern goggled at, him “Did you say that
Lord Pershore went to prison voluntarily 5 ”

60 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“If I might explain, your ladyship I think that your lady-
ship’s parting words made a deep impression on his lordship I
have frequently heard him speak to Mr Wooster of his desire
to do something to follow your ladyship’s instructions and collect
material for your ladyship’s book on America Mr Wooster will
bear me out when I say that his lordship was frequently ex-
tremely depressed at the thought that he was doing so httle to
help”

“Absolutely, by Jove' Quite pipped about it'” I said
“The idea of making a personal examination mto the prison
system of the country — from within — occurred to his lordship
very suddenly one night He embraced it eagerly There was no
restr aining him ”

Lady Malvern looked at Jeeves, then at me, then at Jeeves
again I could see her struggling with the thing
“Surely, your ladyship,” said Jeeves, “it is more reasonable to
to suppose that a gentleman of his lordship’s character went to
prison of his own volition than that he committed some breach of
the law which necessitated his arrest?”

Lady Malvern blinked Then she got up
“Mr Wooster,” she said, “I apologise I have done you an
injustice I should have known Wilmot better I should have had
more faith in his pure, fine spirit ”

“Absolutely 1 ” I said

“Your breakfast is ready, sir,” said Jeeves
I sat down and dallied in a dazed sort of way with a poached

egg

“Jeeves,” I said, “you are certainly a life-saver ”

“Thank you, sir ”

“Nothing would have convinced my Aunt Agatha, that I
hadn’t lured that blighter mto riotous hvmg ”

“I fancy you are right, sir ”

I champed my egg for a bit I was most awfully moved, don’t
you know, by the way Jeeves had rallied round Something
seemed to tell me that this was an occasion that called for rich
rewards. For a moment I hesitated Then I made up my mind
“Jeeves 1”

“Sir?”

“That pink tie ”

“Yes, sir?”

JEEVES AND THE UNBIDDEN GUEST 6l

“Bum it ”

“Thank you, sir ”

“And, Jeeves ”

‘Tes, sir ?”

“Take a taxi and get me that White House Wonder hat, as
worn by President Coohdge ”

“Thank you very much, sir ”

I fenTSiost awfully braced I felt as if the clouds had rolled
away and all was as it used to be I felt like one of those chappies
m the novels who calls off the fight with his wife in the last chapter
and decides to forget and forgive I felt I wanted to do all sorts
of other things to show Jeeves that I appreciated him
“Jeeves,” I said, “it isn’t enough Is there any thing else you
would like?”

“Yes, sir If I may make the suggestion— fifty dollars ”
“Fifty dollars?”

“It will enable me to pay a debt of honour, sir I owe it to his
lordship ”

“You owe Lord Pershore fifty dollars >”

“Yes, sir I happened to meet him in the street the night his
lordship was arrested I had been thinking a good deal about the
most suitable method of inducing him to abandon his mode of
living, sir His lordship was a little over-excited at the tune, and I
fancy that he mistook me for a friend of his At any rate, when I
took the liberty of wagering him fifty dollars that he would not
punch a passing policeman in the eye, he accepted the bet very
cordially and won it”

I produced my pocket-book and counted out a hundred
“Take this, Jeeves,” I said, “fifty isn’t enough Do you know,
Jeeves, you’re— well, you absolutely stand alone 1 ”

“I endeavour to give satisfaction, sir,” said Jeeves

★ 4 *

Jeeves and the Hard-Boiled Egg

S ometimes of a morning, as I’ve sat in bed suckmg*5own the
early cup of tea and watched Jeeves hitting about the room
and putting out the raiment for the day. I’ve wondered what the
deuce I should do if the fellow ever took it into his head to leave
me It’s not so bad when I’m m New York, but in London the
anxiety is frightful There used to be all sorts of attempts on the
part of low blighters to sneak him away from me Young Reggie
Foljambe to my certain knowledge offered him double what I was
giving him, and Alistair Bingham-Reeves, who’s got a valet who
had been known to press his trousers sideways, used to look at
him, when he came to see me, with a kind of glittering, hungry
eye which disturbed me deucedly Bally pirates'

The thing, you see, is that Jeeves is so dashed competent
You can spot it even m the way he shoves studs into a
shirt

I rely on him absolutely m every crisis, and he neyer lets me
down And, what’s more, he can always be counted on to extend
himself on behalf of any pal of mine who happens to be to all
appearances knee-deep in the bouillon Take the rather rummy
case, far instance, of dear old Bicky and his uncle, the hard-
boiled egg

It happened after I had been in America for a few months I
got bade to the flat latish one night, and when Jeeves brought
me the final drink he said

“Mr Bickdrsteth called to see you this evening, sir, while you
were out ”

“Oh?” I said

“Twice, sir He appeared a trifle agitated ”

“What, pipped?”

“He gave that impression, sjr ”

I sipped the whisky I was sorry if Bicky was in trouble, but,
as a matter of fret, I was rather glad to have something I could
discuss freely with Jeevea just then, because things had been a bit
strained between us feu; some time, and it had been rather difficult

62

JEEVES AND THE HARD-BOILED EGG 63

to hit on anything to talk about that wasn’t apt to take a personal
turn You see, I had decided— rightly or wrongly— to grow a
moustache, and this had cut Jeeves to the quick He couldn’t
stick die thing at any price, and I had been living ever since in an
atmosphere of bally disapproval till I was getting jolly well fed
up with it What I mean is, while there’s no doubt that in certain
matte^gof dress Jeeves’s judgment is absolutely sound and should '
be follows!, it seemed to me that it was getting a bit too thick if
he was going to edit my face as well as my costume No one can
call me an unreasonable chappie, and many’s the tune I’ve given
m like a lamb when Jeeves has voted against one of my pet suits
or nes, but when it comes to a valet’s staking out a claim on your
upper lip you’ve simply got to have a bit of the good old bulldog
pluck and defy the blighter
“He said that he would call again later, sir ”

“Something must be up, Jeeves ”

“Yes, sir ”

I gave the moustache a thoughtful twirl It seemed to hurt
Jeeves a good deal, so I chucked it
“I see by the paper, sir, that Mr Bickersteth’s uncle is arriving
on the Carmanttc ”

“Yes?”

“His Grace the Duke of Chiswick, sir ”

This was news to me, that Bicky’s unde was a duke Rum, how
litde one knows about one’s pals I had met Bicky for the first
time at a species of beano or jamboree down in Washington
Square, not long after my arrival in New York I suppose I was
a bit homesick at the time, and I rather took to Bicky when I
found that he was an Englishman and had, in fact, been up at
Oxford with me Besides, he was a frightful chump, so we naturally
drifted together, and while we were taking a quiet snort m a
comer that wasn’t all cluttered up with artists and sculptors, he
furthermore endeared himself to me by a most extraordinarily
gifted mutation of a bull-temer chasing a cat up a tree But,
though we had subsequently become extremely pally, all I really
knew about him was that he was generally hard upland had an
unde who relieved the strain a bit from time to time by sending
him monthly remittances *

“If the Duke of Chiswick is his undq,” I said, “why hasn’t he
a title ? Why isn’t he Lord What-Not^’’ «

“Mr Bickersteth is the son of His Grace’s late sister, sir,

64 CARRY ON, JEEVES

who married Captain Rollo Bickersteth of the Coldstream
Guards

Jeeves knows everything

“Is Mr Bickersteth’s father dead too ?”

“Yes, sir”

“Leave any money?”

“No, sir”

I began to understand why poor old Bicky was alwd^Tmore or
less on the rocks To the casual and irreflective observer it may
sound a pretty good wheeze having a duke for an uncle, but the
trouble about old Chiswick was that, though an extremely wealthy
old buster, owning half London and about five counties up north,
he was notoriously the most prudent spender in England He was
what Americans call a hard-boiled egg If Bicky’s people hadn’t
left bun any thing and he depended on what he could prise out of
the old duke, he was in a pretty bad way Not that that explained
why he was hunting me like this, because he was a chap who never
borrowed money He said he wanted to keep his pals, so never
bit anyone’s ear on principle

At this juncture the door-bell rang Jeeves floated out to answer

it

“Yes, sir Mr Wooster has just returned,” I heard him say
And Bicky came beetling in, looking pretty sorry for himself
“Hallo, Bicky,” I said “Jeeves told me you had been trying to
get me What’s the trouble, Bicky?”

“I’m in a hole, Berne I want your advice ”

“Say on, old lad ”

“My uncle’s turning up to-morrow, Bertie ”

“So Jeeves told me ”

“The Duke of Chiswick, you know ”

“So Jeeves told me ”

Bicky seemed a bit surprised
“Jeeves seems to know everything ”

“Rather rumnuly, that’s exactly what I was thinking just now
myself”

“Well, I wish,” said Bicky, gloomily “that he knew a way to
get me, out of the hole I’m in ”

“Mr Bickersteth is m a hole, Jeeves,” I said, “and wants you
to rally round.”

“Very good, sir ” r
Bicky looked a bit doubtful

JEEVES AND THE HARD-BOILED EGG 6 $

“Well* of course, you know, Bertie, this thing is by way of
being a bit private and all that ”

“I shouldn’t worry about that, old top I bet Jeeves knows all
about it already Don’t you, Jeeves ?”

“Yes sir ”

“Eh ?” said Bicky, rattled

“I anstfujgi to correction, sir, but is not your dilemma due to the
fact that you are at a loss to explain to His Grace why you are in
New York instead of in Colorado
Bicky rocked like a jelly in a high wmd
“How the deuce do you know anything about it ?”

“I chanced to meet His Grace’s butler before we left England
He informed me that he happened to overhear His Grace speaking
to you on the matter, sir, as he passed the library door ”

Bicky gave a hollow sort of laugh

“Well, as everybody seems to know all about it, there’s no
need to try to keep it dark The ofd boy turfed me out, Berne,
because he said I was a brainless nincompoop The idea was that
he would give me a remittance on condition that I dashed out to
some blighted locality of the name of Colorado and learned
farming or ranching, or whatever they call it, at some bally ranch
or farm, or whatever it’s called I didn’t fancy the idea a bit I
should have had to ride horses and pursue cows, and so forth At
the same time, don’t you know, I had to have that remittance ”
“I get you absolutely, old thing ”

“Well, when I got to New York it looked a decent sort of
place to me, so I thought it would be a pretty sound nonon to
stop here So I cabled to my uncle telling him that I had dropped
mto a good busmess wheeze in the aty and wanted to chuck the
ranch idea He wrote back that it was all right, and here I’ve
been ever since He thinks I’m doing well at something or other
over here I never dreamed, don’t you know, that he would ever
come out here What on earth am I to do>”

“Jeeves,” I said, “what on earth is Mr Bickersteth to do?”
“You see,” said Bicky, “I had a wireless from him to say that
he was coming to stay with me— to save hotel bills, I suppose
I’ve always given him the impression that I was li ving m pretty
good style I can’t have him to stay at my boarding-house ”
"Thought of anything, Jeeves I said
"To what extent, sir, if the question fc not a delicate one, are
you prepared to assist Mr Bickersteth?”

66 CARRY ON, JEEVES

‘Til do anything I can for you, of course, Bicky, old man ”
“Thai, if I might make the suggestion, sir, you might lead Air
Bickersteth ”

“No, by Jove 1 ” said Bicky firmly “I never have touched you,
Bertie, and I’m not going to start now I may be a chump, but
it’s my boast that I don’t owe a penny to a single soul— not count-
ing tradesmen, of course ”

“I was about to suggest, sir, that you might lencTMr Bicker-
steth this flat Mr Bickersteth could give His Grace the impres-
sion that he was the owner of it With your permission I could
convey the notion that I was in Mr Bickersteth’s employment
and not in yours You would be residing here temporarily as Mr
Bickersteth’s guest His Grace would occupy the second spare
bedroom I fancy that you would find this answer satisfactory,
sir

Bicky had stopped rocking himself and was stanng at Jeeves
in an awed sort of way

“I would advocate the dispatching of a wireless message to
His Grace on board the vessel, notifying him of the change of
address Mr Bickersteth could meet His Grace at the dock and
proceed directly here Will that meet the situation, sir >”
“Absolutely”

“Thank you, sir ”

Bicky followed him with his eye till the door closed
“How does he do it, Bertie?” he said “I’ll tell you what I
think it is I believe it’s something to do with the shape of his
head Have you ever noticed his head, Berne, old man ? It sort of
shcks out at the back'”

I hopped out of bed pretty early next morning, so as to be
among those present when the old boy should arrive I knew from
experience that these ocean liners fetch up at the dock at a
deucedly ungodly hour It wasn’t much after rune by the tune
I’d dressed and had my morning tea and was leaning out of the
window, watching the street for Bicky and his unde It was one
of those jolly, peaceful mornings that make a chappie wish he’d
got a soul or something, and I was just brooding on life in general
when I became aware of the dickens of a spat in progress down
below A taxi had driven up, and an old boy in a top hat had got
out and was kicking up^a frightful row about the fere As far as I
could make out, he was trying to get the cabby to switch from New

JEEVES AND THE HARD-BOILED EGG 67

York to London prices, and the cabby had apparently never
heard of London before, and didn’t seem to think a lot of it now
The old boy said that in London the trip would have set him
back a shilling, and the cabby said he should worry I called to
Jeeves

“The duke has arrived, Jeeves ”

“Yes* sir?”

“That’lfSe him at the door now ”

Jeeves made a long arm and opened the front door, and the
old boy crawled in

“How do you do, sir ?” I said, bustling up and being the ray
of sunshine “Your nephew went down to the dock to meet you,
but you must have missed him My name’s Wooster, don’t you
know Great pal of Bicky’s, and all that sort of thing I’m staying
with him, you know Would you like a cup of tea ’ Jeeves, bring a
cup of tea ”

Old Chiswick had sunk into an arm-chan: and was looking
about the room

“Does this luxurious flat belong to my nephew Francis ?”

“Absolutely ”

“It must be terribly expensive ”

“Pretty well, of course Everything costs a lot over here, you
know”

He moaned Jeeves filtered in with the tea Old Chiswick took
a stab at it to restore his tissues, and nodded

“A terrible country, Mr Wooster' A terrible country Nearly
eight shillings for a short cab-drive Iniquitous He took another
look round the room It seemed to fascinate him “Have you
any idea how much my nephew pays for this flat, Mr Wooster ?”

“About two hundred dollars a month, I believe ”

“What' Forty pounds a month'”

I began to see that, unless I made the thing a bit more plausible,
the scheme might turn out a frost I could guess what the old
boy was dunking He was trying to square all this prosperity
with what he knew of poor old Bicky And one had to admit that
it took a lot of squaring, for dear old Bicky, though a stout
fellow and absolutely unrivalled as,an imitator of bull-terriers
and cats, was m many ways one of the most pronounced fatheads
that ever pulled on a suit of gents’ underwear

“I suppose it seems rummy to you,’*' I said, “but the fact is
New York often bucks fellows up and makes them show a flash

68 CARRY ON, JEEVES

of speed that you wouldn’t have imagined them capable of It
sort of develops them Something in the air, don’t you know I
imagine that Bicky in the past, when you knew him, may ia Ve
been something of a chump, but it’s quite different now Devilish
efficient sort of bird, and looked on in commercial circles as quite
the mb'”

“I am amazed 1 What is the nature of my nephew’s busing
Mr Wooster?” * r

“Oh, just business. Don’t you know The same sort of thing
Rockefeller and all those coves do, you know ” I slid for the
door. “Awfully sorry to leave you, but I’ve got to meet some of
the lads elsewhere ”

Coming out of the lift I met Bicky bustling m from the street
“Hallo, Bertie I missed him Has he turned up?”

“He’s upstairs now, having some tea ”

“What does he think of it all ?”

“He’s absolutely rattled ” *

“Ripping 1 I’ll be toddling up, then Toodle-oo, Bertie, old
man See you later ”

“Pip-pip Bicky, dear boy ”

He trotted off, full of merriment and good cheer, and I went
off to the dub to sit in the window and watch the traffic coming
up one way and going down the other
It was latish in the evening when I looked in at the flat to dress
for dinner

“Where’s everybody, Jeeves I said, finding no little feet
pattering about the place “Gone out
“His Grace desired to see some of the sights of the aty, sir
Mr Bickersteth is acting as his escort I fancy their immediate
objective was Grant’s Tomb ”

“I suppose Mr Bickersteth is a bit bucked at the way things
are going— what?”

“Sir?”

“I say, I take it that Mr Bickersteth is tolerably full of beans ”
“Not altogether, sir ”

“What’s ms trouble now?”

“The scheme which I tqpk the liberty of suggesting to Mr
Bickersteth and yourself has, unfortunately, not answered
entirely satisfactorily, sir ”

"Surely the duke believes that Mr Bickersteth is doing well
in business, and all that sort of thing?”

JEEVES AND THE HARD-BOILED EGG 69

“Exactly, sir With the result that he has decided to cancel Mr
Bickersteth’s monthly allowance, on the ground that, as Mr
Bickersteth is doing so well on his own account, he no longer
requires pecuniary assistance ”

“Great Scott, Jeeves 1 This is awful'”

“Somewhat disturbing, sir ”

“I »ever expected anything like this

“I conf&s I scarcely anticipated the contingency myself, sir ”
“I suppose it bowled the poor blighter over absolutely
“Mr Bickersteth appeared somewhat taken aback, sir ”

My heart bled for Bicky
“We must do something, Jeeves ”

“Yes, sir”

“Can you think of anything ?”

“Not at the moment, sir ”

“There must be something we can do ”

“It was a maxim of one of my former employers, sir— as I
believe I mentioned to you once before — the present Lord
Bndgworth, that there is always a way No doubt we shall be
able to discover some solution of Mr Bickersteth’s difficulty, sir ”
“Well, have a stab at it, Jeeves ”

“I will spare no pains, sir ”

I went and dressed sadly It will show you pretty well how
pipped I was when I tell you that I as near as a toucher put on a
white tie with a dinner-jacket I sallied out for a bit of food more
to pass the time than because I wanted it It seemed brutal to be
wading into the bill of fare with poor old Bicky headed for die
breadline

When I got back old Chiswick had gone to bed, but Bicky was
there, hunched up man arm-chair, brooding pretty tensely, with
a cigarette hanging out of the comer of his mouth and a more or
less glassy stare m his eyes
“This is a bit thick, old thing— what'” I said
He picked up his glass and drained it feverishly, overlooking
the fact that it hadn’t anything m it
“I’m done, Berne'” he said

He had another go at the glass It didn’t seem to do him any
good

“If only this had happened a week later, Berne' My next
month’s money was due to roll in o& Saturday I could have
worked a wheeze I’ve been reading about in the magazine ad-

70 CARRY ON, JEEVES

vertisements It seems that you can make a dashed amount of
money if you can only collect a few dollars and start a chicken-
farm Jolly life, too, keeping hens'” He had begun to get quite
worked up at the thought of it, but he slopped back in his chair at
this juncture with a good deal of gloom “But, of course, it’s no
, good,” he said, “because I haven’t the cash ”

“You’ve only to say the word, you know, Bicky, old tap ”
“Thanks awfully, Bertie, but I’m not going to Sponge on
you ”

That’s always the way in this world The chappies you’d like
to lend money to won’t let you, whereas the chappies you don’t
want to lend it to will do everything except actually stand you
on your head and lift the specie out of your pockets As a lad
who has always rolled tolerably freely in the right stuff. I’ve had
lots of experience of the second class Many’s the time, back in
London, I’ve hurried along Piccadilly and felt the hot breath of the
toucher on the back of my neck'and heard his sharp, excited yapp-
ing as hfe dosed in on me I’ve simply spent my life scattering
largesse to blighters I didn’t care a hang for, yet here was I now,
dripping doubloons and pieces of eight and longing to hand
them over, and Bicky, poor fish, absolutely on his uppers, not
taking any at any price
“Well, there’s only one hope then ”

“Whafs that*’

“Jeeves ’’

“Sir?”

There was Jeeves, standing behind me, full of zeal In this
matter of shimmering into rooms the man is rummy to a degree
You’re sitting in the old armchair, thinking of this and that, and
then suddenly you look up, and there he is He moves from point
to point with as little uproar as a jelly-fish The thing startled
poor old Bicky considerably He rose from his seat like a rocketing
pheasant Fm used to Jeeves now, but often in the days when he
first came to me I’ve bitten my tongue freely on finding him
unexpectedly in my midst
“Did you call, sir?”

“Oh, there you are, Jeeve^I”

“Precisely, sir ”

"Any ideas, Jeeves *’

"Why, yes, sir Since had our recent conversation I fancy
I have found what may prove a solution I do not wish to appear

JEEVES AND THE HARD-BOILED EGG 71

to be taking a liberty} sir, but I think that we have overlooked His
Grace’s potentialities as a source of revenue ”

Bicky laughed what I have sometimes seen described as a
hollow, mocking laugh, a sort of bitter cackle from the back of
the throat, rather like a gargle

“I do not allude, sir,” explained Jeeves, “to the possibility of
inducing His Grace to part with money I am taking the liberty
of regarding His Grace in the light of an at present— if I may say
so — useless property, which is capable of being developed ”
Bicky looked at me in a helpless kind of way I’m bound to say
I didn’t get it myself
“Couldn’t you make it a bit easier, Jeeves
“In a nutshell, sir, what I mean is this His Grace is, in a
sense, a prominent personage The inhabitants of this country,
as no doubt you are aware, sir, are peculiarly addicted to shaking
hands with prominent personages It occurred to me that Mr
Bickersteth or yourself might know of persons who would be
willing to pay a small fee— let us say two dollars or three— for the
privilege of an introduction, including handshake, to His Grace ”
Bicky didn’t seem to think much of it
“Do you mean to say that anyone would be mug enough to
part with solid cash just to shake hands with my unde ?”

“I have an aunt, sir, who paid five shillings to a young fellow
for bringing a moving-picture actor to tea at her house one
Sunday It gave her social standing among the neighbours ”
Bicky wavered

“If you think it could be done ”

“I feel convinced of it, sir ”

“What do you think, Bertie ?”

“I’m for it, old boy, absolutely A very brainy wheeze ”
“Thank you, sir Will there be anything further ? Good night,
sir”

And he flitted out, leaving us to discuss details

Until we started this business of floating old Chiswick as a
money-maki ng proposition I had never realised what a perfectly
foul time those Stock Exchange fellows must have when the public
isn’t biting freely Nowadays I read that bit they put in the
financial reports about “The market opened quietly” with a
sympathetic eye, for, by Jove, it certainly opened quietly for us
You’d hardly believe how difficult it was to interest the public

72 CARRY ON, JEEVES

and make them take a flutter on the old boy By the end of a week
the only name we had on our list was a delicatessen-store keeper
down m Bicky’s part of the town, and as he wanted us to take it
out m shced ham instead of cash that didn’t help mndi There
was a gleam of light when the brother of Bicky’s pawnbroker
offered ten dollars, money down, for an mtroducnon to old
Chiswick, but the deal fell through, owing to its t urning Qjit that
the chap was an anarchist and intended to kick tSe old boy
instead of shaking hands with him At that, it took me the
of a tune to persuade Bicky not to grab the cash and let things
take their course He seemed to regard the pawnbroker’s brother
rather as a sportsman and benefactor of his species th an otherwise
The whole thing, I’m inclined to think, would have been off if it
hadn’t been for Jeeves There is no doubt that Jeeves is in a class
of his own In the matter of brain and resource I don’t think I
have ever met a chappie so supremely like mother made He
trickled into my room one mofning with the good old cup of tea,
and intimated that there was something doing
“Might I speak to you with regard to that matter of His Grace,
sir?”

“It’s all off We’ve decided to chuck it ”

“Sir’”

“It won’t work We can’t get anybody to come ”

"I fancy I can arrange that aspect of the matter, sir ”

“Do you mean to say you’ve managed to get anybody’”
“Yes, sir Eighty-seven gentlemen from Birdsburg, sir ”

I sat up m bed and spilt the tea
“Birdsburg?”

“Birdsburg, Missouri, sir ”

“How did you get them?”

“I happened last rught, sir, as you had intimated that you
would be absent from home, to attend a theatrical performance,
and entered into conversation between the acts with the occupant
of the adjoining seat I had observed that he was wearing a
somewhat ornate decoration in his buttonhole, sir— a large blue
button with the words ‘Boost for Birdsburg’ upon it in red letters,
scarcely a judicious addition^to a gentl eman ’s ev ening costume
To my surprise I noticed that the auditorium was full of persons
similarly decorated. I ventured to inquire the explanation, and
was informed that these 'gentlemen, forming a party of eighty-
seven, are a convention from a town of the name of Birdsburg in

JEEVES AND THE HARD-BOILED EGG 73

die State of Missouri Their visit, I gathered, was purely of a
social and pleasurable nature, and my informant spoke at some
length of the entertainments arranged for their stay in the city
It was when he related with a considerable amount of satisfaction
and pnde that a deputation of their number had been introduced
to and had shaken hands with a well-known prize-fighter that it ,
occursed to me to broach the subject of His Grace To make a
long story 'Short, sir, I have arranged, subject to your approval,
that the entire convention ‘shall be presented to His Grace to-
morrow afternoon”

I was amazed

“Eighty-seven, Jeeves 1 At how much a head 5 ”

“I was obliged to agree to a reduction for quantity, sir The
terms finally arrived at were one hundred and fifty dollars for the
party”

I thought a bit
“Payable m advance ?”

“No, sir I endeavoured to obtain payment in advance, but
was not successful ”

“Well, anyway, when we get it I’ll make it up to five hundred
Bicky’ll never know Do you suppose Mr Bickersteth would
suspect anything, Jeeves, if I made it up to five hunched ?”

“I fancy not, sir Mr Bickersteth is an agreeable gen tle man,
but not bright ”

“All right, then After breakfast run down to the bank and get
me some money ”

“Yes, sir ”

“You know, you’re a bit of a marvel, Jeeves ”

“Thank you, sir ”

“Right ho'”

“Very good, sir ”

When I took dear old Bicky aside in the course of the mommg
and told him what had happened he nearly broke down He
tottered into the sitting-room and buttonholed old Chiswick, who
was reading the comic section of the mommg paper with a kmd of
grim resolution

“Unde,” he said, “are you doing anything special to-morrow
afternoon ? I mean to say, I’ve asked a few of my pals in to meet
you, don’t you know ”

The old boy cocked a speculative eyl at him
“There will be no reporters among them 5 ”

74 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“Repeaters ? Rather not Why

“I refuse to be badgered by reporters There were a number of
adhesive young men who endeavoured to elicit from me my views
on America while the boat was approaching the dock I will not
be subjected to this persecution again ”

“That’ll be absolutely all right, uncle There won’t be a news-
papa man in the place ”

“In that case I shall be glad to make the acquaintance of your
friends ”

“You’ll shake hands with them, and so forth >”

“I shall naturally order my behaviour according to the accepted
rules of civilised intercourse ”

Bicky thanked him heartily and came off to lunch with me at
the dub, where he babbled freely of hens, incubators, and other
rotten things

After mature consideration 1- we had decided to unleash the
Birdsburg contingent on the old boy ten at a time Jeeves brought
his theatre pal round to see us, and we arranged the whole thing
with him A very decent chappie, but rather inclined to collar
the conversation and turn it in the direction of his home-town’s
new water-supply system We settled that, as an hour was about
all he would be likely to stand, each gang should consider itself
entttled to seven minutes of the duke’s society by Jeeves’s stop-
watch, and that when their time was up Jeeves should slide into
the room and cough meaningly Then we parted with what I
believe are called mutual expressions of good-will, the Birdsburg
chappie extending a cordial invitation to us all to pop out some
day and take a look at the new water-supply system, for which we
thanked turn

Next day the deputation rolled in The first shift consisted of
the cove we had met and rune others almost exactly like him in
every respect They all looked deuced keen and businesslike, as
if from youth up they had been working in the office and catching
the boss’s eye and what not They shook hands with the old boy
with a good deal of apparent satisfaction — all except one chappie,
who seemed to be brooding about something — and then they
stood off and became chatty

“What message have you for Birdsburg, duke ?” asked our pal

The old boy seemed a bit rattled

“I have never been to Birdsburg ”

75

JEEVES AND THE HARD-BOILED EGG

The chappie seemed pained
“You should pay it a visit,” he said “The most rapidly-
growing aty in die country Boost for Birdsburg'”

“Boost for Birdsburg’” said the other chappies reverently
The chappie who had been brooding suddenly gave tongue
“Say'”

H^was a stout sort of well-fed cove with one of those deter-
mined dsns and a cold eye
Hie assemblage looked-at him

“As a matter of business,” said the chappie — “mind you, I*m
not questioning anybody’s good faith, but, as a matter of strict
business — I think this gentleman here ought to put himself on
record before witnesses as stating that he really is a duke”
“What do you mean, sir >” cried the old boy, getting purple
“No offence, simply business Pm not saying anything, mind
you, but there’s one thing that seems kind of funny to me This
gentleman here says his name’s Mr Bickersteth, as I understand
it Well, if you’re the Duke of Chiswick, why isn’t he Lord
Percy Something ? Pve read English novels, and I know all about
it”

"This is monstrous!”

“Now don’t get hot under the collar Pm only asking Pve
a right to know You’re going to take our money, so it’s only fair
that we should see that we get out money’s worth.”

The water-supply cove chipped in

“You’re quite right, Simms I overlooked that when making
the agreement You see, gentlemen, as business men we’ve a right
to reasonable guarantees of good faith We are paying Mr
Bickersteth here a hundred and fifty dollars for this reception,

and we naturally want to know ”

Old Chiswick gave Bicky a searching look, then he turned to
the water-supply chappie He was frightfully calm
“I Gan assure you that I know nothing of this,” he said quite
politely “I should be grateful if you would explain ”

“Well, we arranged with Mr Bickersteth that eighty-seven
citizens of Birdsburg should have the privilege of meeting and
shaking hands with you for a financial consideration mutually
arranged, and what my friend Sinhns here means— and Pm with
him— is that we have only Mr Bickersteth’s word for it — and he
is a stranger to us — that you are the ■Duke of Chiswick at all ”
Old Chiswick gulped

76 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“Allow me to assure you, sir,” he said in a rummy kind of
voice, “that I am the Duke of Chiswick ”

“Then that’s all right,” said the chappie heartily “That was
all we wanted to know Let the thing go on ”

“I am sorry to say,” said old Chiswick, “that it cannot go on
I am feeling a little tired I fear I must ask to be excused ”

“But there are seventy-seven of the boys waiting roun£ the
comer at this moment, duke, to be introduced to yoa ”

“I fear I must disappoint them ”

“But in that case the deal would have to be off”

“That is a matter for you and my nephew to discuss ”

The chappie seemed troubled

“You really won’t meet the rest of them v>

“No'”

“Well, then, I guess we’ll be going ”

They went out, and there was a pretty solid silence Then old
Chiswick turned to Bicky
“Well?”

Bicky didn’t seem to have anything to say
“Wes it true what that man said ?”

“Yes, unde ”

“What do you mean by playing this trick ?”

Bicky seemed pretty well knocked out, so I put in a word
“I think you’d better explain the whole thing, Bicky, old
top ”

Bicky’s adam’s-apple jumped about a bit, then he started
“You see, you had cut off my allowance, unde, and I wanted a
bit of money to start a chicken farm I mean to say it’s an absolute
cert if you once get a bit of capital You buy a hen, and it lays an
egg every day of the week, and you sell the eggs, say, seven for
twenty-five cents Keep of hen costs nothing Profit practically

“What is all this nonsense about hens 5 You led me to suppose
you were a substantial business man ”

“Old Bicky rather exaggerated, sir,” I said, helping the chappie
out “The fact is, the poor old lad is absolutely dependent on that
remittance of yours, and when you cut it off, don’t you know, he
was pretty solidly in the soupf and had to think of some way of
dosing m on a bit of the ready pretty quick.That’s why we thought
of this hand-shaking schema ”

Old Chiswick foamed at the mouth

JEEVES AND THE HARD-BOILED EGG 77

“So you have lied to me 1 You have deliberately deceived me as
to your financial status 1 ”

“Poor old Bicky didn’t want to go to that ranch,” I explained
“He doesn’t like cows and horses, but he rather thinks he would
be hot stuff among the hens All he wants is a bit of capital Don’t

you think it would be rather a wheeze if you were to ”

“After what has happened ? After this — tins decat and foolery ?
Not a peaty'”

“But ”

“Not a penny'”

There was a respectful cough in the background
“If I might make a suggestion, sir ?”

Jeeves was st a nding on the horizon, looking devilish brainy
“Go ahead, Jeeves'” I said

“I would merely suggest, sir, thatifMr Bickerstethisinneedof
a little ready money, and is at a loss to obtain it elsewhere, he
might secure the sum he requires by describing tie occurrences
of this afternoon for the Sunday issue of one of themore spirited
and enterprising newspapers ”

“By Jove'” I said
“By George'” said Bicky
“Great heavens'” said old Chiswick
“Very good, sir,” said Jeeves
Bicky turned to old Chiswick with a gle aming eye
“Jeeves is right' I’ll do it' The Chronicle would jump at it
They eat that sort of stuff”

Old Chiswick gave a kind of mo anin g howl
“I absolutely forbid you, Francis, to do this thin g '”

“That’s all very well,” said Bicky, wonderfully braced, “but if

I can’t get the money any other way ”

“Wait' Er— wait, my boy' You are so impetuous' We might
arrange something”

“I won’t go to that bally ranch ”

“No, no' No, no, my boy' I would not suggest it I would not

for a moment suggest it I— I think ” He seemed to have a

bit of a struggle with himself “I — I think that, on the whole, it
would be best if you returned with me to England I— I might—
in fact I think I see my way to doing— to — I might be able to
utilise your services in some secretarial position.”

“I shouldn’t mind that ”

“I should not be able to offer you a salary, but as you know.

78 CARRY ON) JEEVES

in English political life the unpaid secretary is a recognised
figure •”

“The only figure I’ll recognise,” said Bicky firmly, “is five
hundred quid a year, paid quarterly ”

“My dear boy!”

“Absolutely!”

“But your recompense, my dear Francis, would consist in the
unrivalled opportunities you would have, as my sasretafy, to
gain experience, to accustom yourself to the intricacies of political
life, to — in fact, you would be in an exceedingly advantageous
position”

“Five hundred a year 1 ” said Bicky, rolling it round his tongue
“Why, that would be nothing to what I could make if I started a
chicken farm It stands to reason Suppose you have a dozen
hens Each of the hens has a dozen chickens After a bit the
chickens grow up and have a dozen chickens each themselves,
and then they all start laying eggs' There’s a fortune in it You
can get anything you like for eggs in America Fellows keep
them on ice for years and years, and don’t sell them till they
fetch about a dollar a whirl You don’t think I’m going to chuck
a future like this for anything under five hundred o’ goblins a
year — what ?”

A look of anguish passed over old Chiswick’s face, then he
seemed to be resigned to it “Very well, my boy,” he said
“What ho'” said Bicky “All right, then ”

“Jeeves,” I said Bicky had taken the old boy off to dinner to
celebrate, and we were alone “Jeeves, this has been one of your
best efforts”

“Thank you, sir”

“It beats me how you do it.”

“Yes, sir?”

“The only trouble is you haven’t got much out of it yourself”
"I fancy Mr Bickersteth intends — I judge from his remarks —
to signify his appreciation of anything I have been fortunate
enough to do to assist him, at some later date when he is in a
more favourable position to do so ”

“It isn’t enough, Jeeves'”

“Sir?”

It was a wrench, but I felk it was the only possible thing to be
done

JEEVES AND THE HARD-BOILED EGG 7y

“Bring my shaving things ”

A gleam of hope shone in the man’s eye, mixed with doubt*
“You mean, sit?”

“And shave off my moustache ”

There was a moment’s silence I could see the fellow was
deeply moved

“Thank you very much indeed, sir,” he said, in a low voice.

* 5 *

The Amt and the Sluggard

N ow that it’s all over, I may as well admit that there was a
time during the affair of Rockmetteller Todd when I
thought that Jeeves was going to let me down Silly of me, of
course, knowing him as I do, but that is what I thought It
seemed to me that the man had the appearance of being
baffled

The Rocky Todd business broke loose early one morning in
spring I was in bed, restoring the physique with my usual nine
hours of the dreamless, when tfie door ffew open and somebody
prodded me in the lower ribs and began to shake the bedclothes
m an unpleasant manner And after blinking a bit and generally
pulling myself together, I located Rocky, and my first impression
was that it must be some horrid dream
Rocky, you see, lived down on Long Island somewhere, miles
away from New York, and not only that, but he had told me
himself more than once that he never got up before twelve, and
seldom earlier than one Constitutionally the laziest young devil
in America, he had hit on a walk in life which enabled him to go.,
the limit in that direction He was a poet At least, he wrote
poems when he did anything, but most of his time, as far as I
could make out, he spent m a sort of trance He told me once
that he could sit on a fence, watching a worm and wondering what
on earth it was up to, for hours at a stretch
He had his scheme of life worked out to a fine point About
once a month he would take three days writing a few poems, the
other three hundred and twenty-rune days of the year he rested
I didn’t know there was enough money in poetry to support a
chappie, even in the way in which Rocky lived, but it seems that,
if you stick to exhortations to young men to lead the strenuous
life and don’t shove in any rhymes, American editors fight
for the stuff Rocky showed me one of his things once It
began

80

THE AUNT AND THE SLUGGARD

8l

Be'

Be'

The past is dead.

To-morrow is not bom
Be to-day'

To-day I

Be with every nerve,

With every fibre.

With every drop of your red blood'

Be'

Be'

There were three more verses, and the thing was printed op-
posite the frontispiece of a magazine with a sort of scroll round it,
and a picture in die middle of a fairly nude chappie with bulging
muscles giving the rising sun the glad eye Rocky said they gave
him a hundred dollars for it, and he stayed in bed till four in
the afternoon for over a month

As regarded the future he was pretty solid, owing to the fact that
he had a moneyed aunt tucked away somewhere m Illinois It’s a
curious thing how many of my pals seem to have aunts and uncles
who are then mam source of supply There is Bicky, for one,
with his uncle the Duke of Chiswick, Corky, who, until things
went wrong, looked to Alexander Worple, the bird specialist, for
sustenance And I shall be telling you a story shortly of a dear old
friend of mine, Oliver Sipperley, who had an aunt in Yorkshire
These things cannot be mere coincidence They must be meant
What I’m driving at is that Providence seems to look after the
chumps of this world, and, personally. I’m all for it I suppose
the fact is that, having been snootered from infancy upwards by
my own aunts, I like to see that it is possible for these relatives to
have a better and a softer side

However, this is more or less of a side-track Coming back to
Rocky, what I was saying was that he had this aunt in Illinois,
and, as he had been named Rockmetteller after her (which m
itself, you might say, entitled him to substantial compensation)
and was her only nephew, his position looked pretty sound He
told me that when he did come into the money he meant to do no
work at all, except an occasional poem recommending the young
man with life opening out before him vJSth all its splendid possibil-
ities to light a pipe and shove his feet up on the mantelpiece

82 CARRY ON, JEEVES

And this was the man who was prodding me in the ribs in the
grey dawn'

“Read this, Bertie 1 ” babbled old Rocky
I could just see that he was waving a letter or something
equally foul in my face “Wake up and read this
I can’t read before I’ve had my morning tea and a wgarptf
'I groped for the bell

Jeeves came in, looking as fresh as a dewy violet It^ a mastery
to me how he does it
“Tea, Jeeves ”

“Very good, sir ”

I found that Rocky was surging round with his beastly l etter
again

“What is it ?” I said “What on earth’s the matter ?”

“Read it'”

“I can’t, I haven’t had my tea ”

“Well, listen then ”

“Who’s it from?”

"My aunt”

At this point I fell asleep again I woke to hear him saying
"So what on earth am I to do ?”

Jeeves flowed in with the tray, like some silent stream meander-
ing over its mossy bed, and I saw daylight
“Read it again. Rocky, old top,” I said “I want Jeeves to hear
it Mr Todd’s aunt has written him a rather rummy letter, Jeeves,
and we want your advice ”

“Very good, sir ”

He stood in the middle of the room, registering devotion to the
cause, and Rocky started again

“My dear Rockmetteller,

“ I have been thinking things over for a long while, and I heme
come to the conclusion that I have been very thoughtless to
wait so long before doing what I have made up my rmnd to do
now”

“What do you make of that, Jeeves ?”

“It seems a little obscure at present, sir, but no doubt it
becomes clearer at a later point in the communication ”
“Proceed, old scout,” ^ I saidj champing my bread and
butter

THE AUNT AND THE SLUGGARD 83

“You know how dll my life I have longed to visit New York
and see for myself the wonderful gay life of which I have read so
much I fear that now it mil be impossible for me to fulfill my
dream I am old and worn out I seem to have no strength left m

me”

“Sad, Jeeves, what?”

“Extremely, sir ”

“Sad notmng 1 ” said Rocky “It’s 'sheer laziness I went to see
her last Christmas and she was bursting with health Her doctor
told me himself that there was nothing wrong with her whatever
But she will insist that she’s a hopeless invalid, so he has to agree
with her She’s got a fixed idea that the top to New York would
kill her, so, though it’s been her ambition all her life to come here,
she stays where she is ”

“Rather like the chappie whose heart was ‘in the Highlands a-
chasing of the deer’, Jeeves „

“The cases are in some respects parallel, sir ”

“Carry on. Rocky, dear boy ”

“So I have decided that, if I cannot enjoy all the marvels of the
ctty myself, I can at least enjoy them through you I suddenly
thought of this yesterday after reading a beautiful poem in the
Sunday paper about a young man who had longed all his life for a
certain thing and won it in the end only when he was too old to
enjoy it It was very sad, and it touched me

“A thing,” interpolated Rocky bitterly, “that I’ve not been able
to do m ten years ”

“As you know , you mil have my money when / am gone; but
until now I have never been able to see my way to giving you an
allowance I have now decided to do so — on one condition I have
written to a firm of lawyers m NewYork, giving them instructions
to pay you quite a substantial sum each month My one con-
dition is that you live m New York and enjoy yourself as I have
always wished to do I want you to be my representative, to spend
thus money for me as I should do myself I want you to plunge into
the gey, prismatic life of NewYork I want you to be the life and
soul of brilliant supper parties ,

“Above all, I want you— indeed, 1 insist on this— to write me
letters at least once a week, giving me a full description of all you

84 CARRY ON, JEEVES

•are doing and all that is going on m the city, so that I may enjoy
at second-hand what my wretched health prevents my enjoying
for myself Remember that I shall expect full details , and that no
detail is too trivial to interest ”

“Your affectionate Aunt,

Isabel RockmetteUer ”

“What about it?” said Rocky

“What about it?” I said

“Yes What on earth am I going to do ?”

It was only then that I really got on to the extremely rummy
attitude of the chappie, in view of the fact that a quite unexpected
mess of good cash had suddenly descended on him from a blue
sky To my mind it was an occasion for the beaming smile and the
joyous whoop, yet here the man was, looking and talking as rf
Fate had swung on his solar plexus It amazed me
“Aren’t you bucked?” I said
“Bucked 1 ”

“If I were in your place I should be frightfully braced I
consider this pretty soft for you ”

He gave a land of yelp, stared at me for a moment, and then
began to talk of New York in a way that reminded me of J immy
Mundy, the reformer bloke Jimmy had just come to New York
on a hit-the-trail campaign, and I had popped in at Madison
Square Garden a couple of days before, for half an hour or so, to
hear him He had certainly told New York some pretty straight
things about itself, having apparently taken a dislike to the place,
but, by Jove, you know, dear old Rocky made him look like a
publicity agent for the old metrop 1
“Pretty soft*” he cried “To have to come and live in New
York' To have to leave my little cottage and take a stuffy, smelly,
over-heated hole of an apartment in this Heaven-forsaken,
festering Gehenna To have to mix night after night with a mob
who think that life is a sort of St Vitus’s dance, and imagine
that they’re having a good time because they’re making enough
noise for six and drinking too much for ten' I loathe New York,
Bertie I wouldn’t come near the place if I hadn’t got to see
editors occasionally. There’s h blight on it It’s got moral delirium
tremens. It’s the limit T^e very thought of staying more than
a day m it makes me sick And you call this thing pretty soft for
mel”

THE AUNT AND THE SLUGGARD 85

I felt rather like Lot’s friends must have done when they
dropped in for a quiet chat and their genial host began to criticise
the Goes of the Flam I had no idea old Rocky could be so
eloquent

“It would kill me to have to live in New York/’ he went on
“To have to share the air with sis million people! To have to

weai^stiff collars and decent clothes all the tune 1 To ” He

started “Good Lord 1 I suppose I, should have to dress for
dinner in the evenings What a ghastly notion*”

I was shocked, absolutely shocked

“My dear chap*” I said, reproachfully

“Do you dress for dinner every night, Bertie ?”

“Jeeves,” I said coldly “How many suits of evening clothes
have we?”

“We have three full suits of evening dress, sir, two dinner

jackets ”

“Three”

“Far practical purposes two only, sir If you remember, we
cannot wear the third We have also seven white waistcoats ”
“And shirts
“Four dozen, sir ”

“And white ties ?”

“The first two shallow shelves in the chest of drawers are
completely filled with our white ties, sir ”

I turned to Rocky
“You see?”

The chappie writhed like an electric fen
“I won’t do it* I can’t do it* I’ll be hanged if I’ll do it! How
on earth can I dress up like that ? Do you realise that most days
I don’t get out of my pyjamas till five in the afternoon, and then I
just put on an old sweater ?”

I saw Jeeves wince, poor chap This sort of revelation shocked
his finest feelings

“Then, what are you going to do about it?” I said.

“That’s what I want to know ”

“You might write and explain to your aunt ”

“I might — if I wanted her to get round to her lawyer’s m two
rapid leaps and cut me out of her Will ”

I saw his point

"What do you suggest, Jeeves I said
Jeeves cleared his throat respectfully

86 CARRY ON, JEEVES

• “The crux of the matter would appear to be, sir, that Mr
Todd is obliged by the conditions under which the money is
delivered into his possession to write Miss Rockmetteller long
and detailed letters relating to his movements, and the only
method by which this can be accomplished, if Mr Todd adheres
to his expressed intention of rem ainin g in the country, is for
Mr Todd to induce some second party to gather the jyctual
experiences which Miss Rockmetteller wishes reported to her,
and to convey these to him in the shape of a careful report, on
which it would be possible for him, with the aid of his imagina-
tion, to base the suggested correspondence ”

Having got which off the old diaphragm, Jeeves was silent
Rocky looked at me m a helpless sort of way He hasn’t been
brought up on Jeeves as I have, and he isn’t on to his curves
“Could he put it a little dearer, Bertie?” he said “I thought
at the start it was going to make sense, but it kind of flickered
What's the idea 5 ”

“My dear old man, perfecdy simple I knew we could stand
on Jeeves All you’ve got to do is to get somebody to go round the
town for you and take a few notes, and then you work the notes
up into letters That’s it, isn’t it, Jeeves
“Precisely, sir ”

The light of hope gleamed in Rocky’s eyes He looked at Jeeves
in a startled way, dazed by the man’s vast intellect
“But who would do it he said “It would have to be a pretty
smart sort of man, a man who would notice things ”

"Jeeves 1 ” I said “Let Jeeves do it ”

“But would he?”

“You would do it, wouldn’t you, Jeeves ?”

For the first time in our long connection I observed Jeeves
almost smile The comer of his mouth curved quite a quarter of
an inch, and for a moment his eye ceased to look like a meditative
fish’s.

“I should be delighted to oblige, sir As a matter of fact, I have
already visited some of New York’s places of interest on my
evening out, and it would be most enjoyable to make a practice of
the pursuit ”

“Fine 1 1 know exactly what your aunt wants to hear about.
Rocky She wants an earful, of cabaret stuff. The place you ought
to go to first, Jeeves, is Reigelheimer’s It’s on Forty-second
Street Anybody will show you the way”

THE AUNT AND THE SLUGGARD 87

Jeeves shook his head

“Pardon me, sir People are no longer going to Reigelheimer’s
The place at the moment is Frolics on the Roof”

“You see ?” I said to Rocky “Leave it to Jeeves He knows ”

It isn’t often that you find an entire group of your fellow-
huiaans happy in this world, but our little circle was certainly an
example ofthe fact that it can be done We were all full of beans
Everything went absolutely right from the start
Jeeves was happy, partly because he loves to exerase his
giant brain, and partly because he was having a corking time
among the bright lights I saw him one night at the Midnight
Revels He was sitting at a table on the edge of the dancing floor,
doing himself remarkably well with a fat agar His face wore an
expression of austere benevolence, and he was making notes in a
small book

As for the rest of us, I was feeling pretty good, because I was
fond of old Rocky and glad to be able to do him a good turn
Rocky was perfectly contented, because he was still able to sit
on fences in his pyjamas and watch worms And, as for the aunt,
she seemed tickled to death She was getting Broadway at
pretty long range, but it seemed to be hitting her just right I
read one of her letters to Rocky, and it was full of life
But then Rocky’s letters, based on Jeeves’s notes, were enough
to buck anybody up It was rummy when you came to think of it
There was I, loving the life, while the mere mention of it gave
Rocky a tired feeling, yet here is a letter I wrote home to a pal of
mine in London

Dear Freddie , —

Well, here I am in New York It’s not a bad place Fm not
having a bad time Everything* snot bad The cabarets aren’t bad
Don’t know when I shall be back Holds everybody > Cheerio 1 —

Yours,

Bertie

P S — Seen old Ted lately ?

Not that I cared about old Ted,4)ut if I hadn’t dragged him m
I couldn’t have got the confounded thing on to the second
page

Now here’s old Rocky on exactly the same subject

88 CARRY ON, JEEVES

Dearest Amt Isabel , —

How can I ever thank you enough for giving me the opportunity
to live m this astounding city' New York seems more wonderful
every day

Fifth Avenue is at its best, of course, just now The dresses are
magnificent'

Wads of stuff about the dsesses I didn’t know Jeevts was such
an authority

I was out with some of the crowd at the Midnight Revels the
other night We took m a show first, after a little dinner at a new
place on Forty-third Street We were quite a gay party Georgie
Cohan looked in about midnight and got off a good story about
Willie Collier Fred Stone could only stay a minute, but Doug
Fairbanks did all sorts of stunts and made us roar Ed Wynn was
there, and Laurette Taylor showed up with a party The show
at the Revels is quite good I am enclosing a programme

Last night a few of us went round to Frolics on the Roof

And so on and so forth, yards of it I suppose it’s the artistic
temperament or something What I mean is, it’s easier for a chap-
pie who’s used to writing poems and that sort of tosh to put a bit
of a punch into a letter than it is for a fellow like me Anyway,
there’s no doubt that Rocky’s correspondence was hot stuff I
called Jeeves in and congratulated him
“Jeeves, you’re a wonder'”

“Thank you, sir ”

“How you notice everything at these places beats me I
couldn’t tell you a thing about them, except that I’ve had a good
tune”

“It’s just a knack, sir ”

“Well, Air Todd’s letters ought to brace Miss Rockmetteller
all nght, what?”

“Undoubtedly, sir,” agreed Jeeves

And, by Jove, they did' They certainly did, by George' What
I mean to say is, I was sitting m the apartment one afternoon,
about a month after the thing lead started, smoking a cigarette and
resting the old bean, when <the door opened and die voice of
Jeeves burst the silence like a bomb
It wasn’t that he spoke loud. He has one of those soft, soothing

THE AUNT AND THE SLUGGARD 89

voices that slide through the atmosphere like the note of a far-off
sheep It was what he said that made me leap like a young gazelle
“Miss Rockmettefier 1 ”

And in came a large, solid female

The situation floored me I’m not denying it Hamlet must have
felt much as I did when his father’s ghost bobbed up in the
fanway I’d come to look on Rocky’s aunt as such a permanency
at her own Home that it didn’t seem possible that she could really
be here in New York I stared at her Then I looked at Jeeves
He was standing there in an attitude of dignified detachment, the
chump, when, if ever he should have been rallying round the
young master, it was now

Rocky’s aunt looked less like an invalid than anyone I’ve ever
seen, except my Aunt Agatha She had a good deal of Aunt
Agatha about her, as a matter of fact She looked as if she might
be deucedly dangerous if put upon, and something seemed to
tell me that she would certainly regard herself as put upon if she
ever found out the game which poor old Rocky had been p ulling
on her

“Good afternoon,” I managed to say
“How do you do >” she said “Mr Cohan?”

“Er— no ”

“Mr Fred Stone?”

"Not absolutely As a matter of fact, my name’s Wooster —
Bertie Wooster ”

She seemed disappointed The fine old name of Wooster
appeared to mean nothing in her life
“Isn’t Rockmetteller home?” she said “Where is he?”

She had me with the first shot I couldn’t think of any thing to
say I couldn’t tell her that Rocky was down in the country,
watching worms

There was the faintest flutter of sound m the background It was
the respectful cough with which Jeeves announces that he is about
to speak without having been spoken too
“If you remember, sir, Mr Todd went out in the automobile
with a party earlier in the afternoon ”

“So he did, Jeeves, so he did,” I said, looking at my watch
“Did he say when he would be back?”

“He gave me to understand, sir, \hat he would be somewhat
late in returning ”

He vanished, and the aunt took the chair which I’d forgotten to

90 CARRY ON, JEEVES

offer her She looked at me in rather a rummy way It was a
nasty look It made me feel as if I were something the dog had
brought in and intended to bury later on, when he had time My
own Aunt Agatha, back in England, has looked at me in exactly
die same way many a time, and it never fails to make my spine
curl

“You seem very much at home here, young man Are you a
great friend of Rockmetteller’s ?”

“Oh, yes, rather'”

She frowned as if she had expected better things of old
Rocky

“Well, you need to be,” she said, “the way you treat his flat as
your own'”

I give you my word, this quite unforeseen slam simply robbed
me of the power of speech I’d been looking on myself in the light
of the dashing host, and suddenly to be treated as an intruder
jarred me It wasn’t, mark you, as if she had spoken in a way to
suggest that she considered my presence in the place as an ordin-
ary social call She obviously looked on me as a cross between a
burglar and the plumber’s man come to fix the leak m the bath-
room It hurt her— my being there
At this juncture, with the conversation showing every sign of
being about to die in awful agonies, an idea came to me Tea —
the good old stand-by
“Would you care for a cup of tea ?” I said
“Tea?”

She spoke as if she had never heard of the stuff
“Nothing like a cup after a journey,” I said “Bucks you up'
Puts a bit of zip into you What I mean is, restores you, and so on,
don’t you know Fll go and tell Jeeves ”

I tottered down the passage to Jeeves’s lair The man was
reading the evening paper as if he hadn’t a care in the world
“Jeeves,” I said, “we want some tea ”

“Very good, sir ”

“I say, Jeeves, this is a bit thick, what?”

I wanted sympathy, don’t you know — sympathy and kindness
The old nerve centres had had the deuce of a shock
“She’s got die idea this place belongs to Mr. Todd What on
earth put that into her head ?”

Jeeves filled the kettle with a restrained dignity

“No doubt because of Mr Todd’s letters, sir,” he said “It was

THE AUNT AND THE SLUGGARD 91

my suggestion, sir, if you remember, that they should be addressed
from this apartment m order that Air Todd should appear to
possess a good central residence in the city ”

I remembered We had thought it a brainy scheme at the time
“Well, it’s dashed awkward, you know, Jeeves She looks on
me as an intruder By Jove' I suppose she thinks I’m someone
who*fcangs about here, touching Mr Todd for free meals and
borrowing 13s shirts ”

“Extremely probable, sir”

“It’s pretty rotten, you know ”

"Most disturbing, sir ”

“And there’s another thing What are we to do about Mr
Todd ? We’ve got to get him up here as soon as ever we can
Wien you have brought the tea you had better go out and send
him a telegram, telling him to come up by the next tram ”

“I have already done so, sir I took the liberty of writing the
message and dispatching it by the lift attendant ”

“By Jove, you think of everything, Jeeves'”

"Thank you, sir A little buttered toast with the tea? Just so,
sir Thank you ”

I went back to the sitting-room She hadn’t moved an inch She
was still bolt upright on the edge of her chair, gripping her um-
brella like a hammer-thrower She gave me another of those
looks as I came in There was no doubt about it, for some reason
she had taken a dislike to me I suppose because I wasn’t George
M Cohan It was a bit hard on a chap
“This is a surprise, what?” I said, after about five minutes’
restful silence, trying to crank the conversation up again
“What is a surprise ?”

“Your coming here, don’t you know, and so on ”

She raised her eyebrows and drank me in a bit more through
her glasses

“Why is it surprising that I should visit my only nephew?”
she said

“Oh, rather,” I said “Of course' Certainly What I mean is — ”
Jeeves projected himself into the room with the tea I was
jolly glad to see him. There’s nothing like having a bit of business
arranged for one when one isn’t certain of one’s lines With the
teapot to fool about with I felt happier
“Tea, tea, tea — what? What?” I said
It wasn’t what I had meant to say My idea had been to be a

92 CARRY ON, JEEVES

good deal more formal, and so on Still, it covered the situation
I poured her out a cup She sipped it and put the cup down with a
shudder

"Do you mean to say, young man,” she said, frostily, "that
you expect me to drink this stuff?”

“Rather' Bucks you up, you know ”

“What do you mean by the expression ‘Bucks you upi?”
“Well, makes you full, of beans, you know •Makes you
fizz”

“I don’t understand a word you say You’re English, aren’t
you?”

I admitted it She didn’t say a word And she did it in a way
that made it worse than if she had spoken for hours Somehow
it was brought home to me that she didn’t like Englishme n, and
that if she had had to meet an Englishman I was the one she’d
have chosen last

Conversation languished oifce more after that
Then I tried again I was becoming more convinced every
moment that you can’t make a real lively salon with a couple of
people, especially if one of them lets it go a word at a time
“Are you comfortable at your hotel’” I said
“At which hotel’”

“The hotel you’re staying at ”

“I am not staying at an hotel ”

“Stopping with mends— what ?”

“I am naturally stopping with my nephew ”

I didn’t get it for the moment, then it hit me
“What 1 Here?” I gurgled
“Certainly 1 Where else should I go?”

The full horror of the situation rolled over me like a wave I
couldn’t see what on earth I was to do I couldn’t explain that
this wasn’t Rocky’s flat without giving the poor old chap away
hopelessly, because she would then ask me where he did live,
and then he would be right in ihe soup I was trying to recover
from the shock when she spoke again
“Will you kindly tell my nephew’s manservant to prepare
my room’ I wish to he down ”

“Your nephew’s manservant?”

“The man you call Jeevfts If Rockmetteller has gone for an
automobile ride there is no need for you to wait for him He will
naturally wish to be alone with me when he returns.”

THE AUNT AND THE SLUGGARD 93

I found myself tottering out of the room The thing was too
much for me I crept into Jeeves’s den
“Jeeves'” I whispered
“Sir ?”

“Mix me a b -and-s , Jeeves I feel weak ”

“Very good, sir ”

‘Shis is getting thicker every minute, Jeeves ”

“Sir?”

“She thinks you’re Mr. Todd’s man She thinks the whole
place is his, and everything in it I don’t see what you’re to do,
except stay on and keep it up We can’t say anything or she’ll
get on to the whole thing , and I don’t want to let Mr Todd
down By the way, Jeeves, she wants you to prepare her
bed”

He looked wounded

“It is hardly my place, sir ”

“I know — I know But do it as h personal favour to me If you
come to that, it’s hardly my place to be flung out of the flat like
this and have to go to an hotel, what v ’

“Is it your intention to go to an hotel, sir? What will you do
for clothes

“Good Lord ' I hadn’t thought of that Can you put a few things
in a bag when she isn’t looking, and sneak them down to me at the
St Aurea?”

“I will endeavour to do so, sir ”

“Well, I don’t think there’s anything more, is there ? Tell Mr
Todd where I am when he gets here ”

“Very good, six ”

I looked round the place The moment of parting had come I
felt sad The whole thing reminded me of one of those melo-
dramas where they drive chappies out of the old homestead into
the snow

“Good-bye, Jeeves,” I said
"Good-bye, sir ”

And I staggered out

You know, I rather think I agree with those poet-and-philoso-
pher Johnnies who insist that a^fellow ought to be devilish
pleased if he has a bit of trouble Alnthat stuff about being refined
by suffering, you know Suffering does give a chap a sort of broad-
er and more sympathetic outlook It helps you to understand

94 CARRY ON, JEEVES

other people’s misfortunes if you’ve been through the same thing
yourself

As I stood m my lonely bedroom at the hotel, trying to tie
my white tie myself, it struck me for the first time that there must
be whole squads of chappies in the world who had to get along
without a man to look after them I’d always thought of Jeeves as a
kind of natural phenomenon, but, by Jove' of course, when*you
come to think of it, there myst be quite a lot of fellows who have
to press them own dothes themselves, and haven’t got anybody
to bring them tea in the morning, and so on It was rather a
solemn thought, don’t you know I mean to say, ever since
then I’ve been able to appreciate the frightful privations the poor
have to stick

I got dressed somehow Jeeves hadn’t forgotten a thing in his
packing Everything was there, down to the final stud I’m not
sure this didn’t make me feel worse It kind of deepened the
pathos It was like what somebdtly or other wrote about the touch
of a vanished hand

I had a bit of dinner somewhere and went to a show of some
kind, but nothing seemed to make any difference I simplyhadn’t
the heart to go cm to supper anywhere I just went straight up to
bed I don’t know when I’ve felt so rotten Somehow I found
myself moving about the room softly, as if there had been a death
in the family If I had had anybody to talk to I should have talked
in a whisper, in fact, when the telephone-bell rang I answered in
such a sad, hushed voice that the fellow at the other end
of the wire said “Hallo 1 ” five times, thinking he hadn’t got
me

It was Rocky The poor old scout was deeply agitated

“Bertie 1 Is that you, Berne ? Oh, gosh! I’m having a tune 1 ”

“Where are you speaking from ?”

“The Midnight Revels We’ve been here an hour, and I think
we’re a fixture for the night I’ve told Aunt Isabel I’ve gone out
to call up a friend to join us She’s glued to a chair, withthis-is-the-
hfe written all over her, taking it in through the pores She loves
it, and I’m nearly crazy ”

“Tell me all, old top,” I said

“A little more of tins,” he^said, "and I shall sneak quietly off
to the river and end it all wo you mean to say you go thro ug h
this sort of thing every night, Berne, and enjoy it? It’s simply
infernal' I was just snatching a wink of sleep behind the bill of

THE AUNT AND THE SLUGGARD 95

fere just now when about a million yelling girls swooped down,
with toy balloons There are two orchestras here, each trying to
see if it can’t play louder than the other I’m a mental and physical
wreck When your telegram arrived I was just lying down for a
quiet pipe, with a sense of absolute peace stealing over me I had
to get dressed and sprint two miles to catch the train It nearly
gamine heart-failure, and on top of that I almost got brain fever
inventing li& to tell Aunt Isabel And then I had to cram myself
into these confounded evening clothes of yours ”

I gave a sharp wail of agony It hadn’t struck me till then that
Rocky was depending on my wardrobe to see him through
“You’ll rum them'”

“I hope so,” said Rocky m the most unpleasant way His
troubles seemed to have had the worst effect on his character “I
should like to get back at them somehow, they’ve given me a bad
enough time They’re about three sizes too small, and some-
thing’s apt to give at any moment I wish to goodness it would,
and give me a chance to breathe I haven’t breathed since half-
past seven Thank heaven, Jeeves managed to get out and buy me
a collar that fitted, or I should be a strangled corpse by now' It
was touch and go till the stud broke Berne, this is pure Hades'
Aunt Isabel keeps on urging me to dance How on earth can I
dance when I don’t know a soul to dance with? And how die
deuce could I, even if I knew every girl in the place ? It’s taking
big chances even to move in these trousers I had to tell her I’ve
hurt my ankle She keeps asking me when Cohan and Stone are
going to turn up, and it’s simply a question of time before she
discovers that Stone is sitting two tables away Something’s got to
be done, Bertie' You’ve got to think up some way of getting me
out of this mess It was you who got me into it ”

“Me' What do you mean 5 ”

“Well, Jeeves, then. It’s all the same It was you who suggested
leaving it to Jeeves It was those letters I wrote from his notes
that did the mischief I made than too good My aunt’s just been
telling me about it She says she had resigned herself to ending
her life where she was, and then my letters began to amve,
describing the joys of New York, and they stimulated her to such
an extent that she pulled herself together and made the tnp She
seems to think she’s had some miraculous kind of faith cure I
tell you I can’t stand it, Bertie' It’s got to end'”

“Can’t Jeeves think of anything?”

96 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“No He just hangs round, saying ‘Most disturbing, sir'*
A fat lot of help that is '”

“Well, old lad,” I said, “after all, it’s fer worse for me than it «
for you You’ve got a comfortable home and Jeeves And you’re
saving a lot of money ”

“Saving money? What do you mean — saving money?”
“Why, the allowance your aunt was giving you I suppose SEe’s
paying all the expenses now, isn’t she ?”

“Certainly she is, but she’s stopped the allowance She wrote
the lawyers to-mght She says that, now she’s m New York,
there is no necessity for it to go on, as we shall always be together,
and if s simpler for her to look after that end of it I tell you,
Bertie, I’ve examined the darned doud with a miser oscope, and
if it’s got a silver lining lfs some little dissembler'”

“But, Rocky, old top, it’s too bally awful' You’ve no notion
of what I’m going through m^his beastly hotel, without Jeeves
I must get back to the flat ”

“Don’t come near the flat 1 ”

“But lfs my own flat ”

“I can’t help that Aunt Isabel doesn’t like you She asked me
what you did for a living And when I told her you didn’t do
anything she said she thought as much, and that you were a
typical specimen of a useless and decaying aristocracy So if you
think you have made a hit, forget it Now I must be going back,
or she’ll be coming out here after me Good-bye ”

Next morning Jeeves came round It was all so home-like when
he floated noiselessly into the room that I nearly broke down
“Good morning, sir,” he said “I have brought a few more of
your personal belongings ”

He began t6 unstrap the suit-case he was carrying
“Did you have any trouble sneaking them away?”

"It was not easy, sir I had to watch my chance Miss Rock-
metteller is a remarkably alert lady ”

“You know, Jeeves, say what you like— this is a bit thick,
isn’t it?”

“The situation is certainly one that has never before come
under my nonce, sir. I have brought the heather-mixture suit,
as the climatic conditions /ire congenial To-morrow, if not
prevented, I will endeavour’ to add the brown lounge with the
faint green twill ”

“It can’t go on— this sort of thing— Jeeves ”

97

THE AUNT AND THE SLUGGARD
“We must hope for the best, sir ”

“Can’t you think of anything to do ?”

“I have been giving the matter considerable thought, sir, but
so far without success I am placing three silk shirts — the dove-
coloured, the light blue, and die mauve— in the first long drawer,
sir”

“Ypu don’t mean to say you can’t think of anything, Jeeves ?’*
“For the msment, sir, no You will find a dozen handkerchiefs
and the tan socks in the upper drawer’on the left ” He strapped
the suit-case and put it on a chair “A curious lady, Miss Rock-
metteller, sir”

“You understate it, Jeeves ”

He gazed meditatively out of the window
“In many ways, sir. Miss Rockmetteller reminds me of an
aunt of mine who resides in the south-east poruon of London
Then temperaments are much alike My aunt has the same taste
for the pleasures of the great aty It is a passion with her to nde
in taxi-cabs, sir Whenever the family take then eyes off her she
escapes from the house and spends the day riding about in cabs
On several occasions she has broken mto the children’s savings
bank to secure the means to enable her to gratify this desire ”

“I love to have these little chats with you about your female
relatives, Jeeves,” I said coldly, for I felt that the man had let me
down, and I was fed up with him “But I don’t see what all this
has got to do with my trouble ”

“I beg your pardon, sn I am leaving a small assortment of our
nedkues on the mantelpiece, sn, for you to select according to
your preference I should recommend the blue with the red
domino pattern, sir ”

Then he streamed lmpercepubfy toward the door and flowed
silently out

Fve often heard that fellows, after some great shock or loss,
have a habit, after they’ve been on the floor for a while wondering
what hit them, of picking themselves up and piecing themselves
together, and sort of taking a whirl at beginning a new life Time,
the great healer, and Nature adjusting itself and so on and so
forth There’s a lot in it I know, because in my own case, after
a day or two of what you might caUSrostration, I began to re-
cover The frightful loss of Jeeves matte any thought of pleasure
more or less a mockery, but at least I found that I was able to

98 CARRY ON, JEEVES

have a dash at enjoying life again What I mean is, I braced up
to the extent of going round the cabarets once more, so as to
try to forget, if only for the moment
New York’s a small place when it comes to the part of it that
wakes up just as the rest is going to bed, and it wasn’t long before
my tracks began to cross old Rocky’s I saw him once at Peale’s,
and again at Frolics on the Roof There wasn’t anybody witj^ium
either time except the aunt, and, though he was trjung to look as
if he had struck the ideallife, it wasn’t difficult for me, knowing
the circumstances, to see that beneath the mask the poor chap was
suffering My heart bled for the fellow At least, what there was
of it that wasn’t bleeding for myself bled for him He had the air
of one who was about to crack under the strain
It seemed to me that the aunt was looking slightly upset also
I took it that she was beginning to wonder when the celebrities
were going to surge round, and what had suddenly become of
all those wild, careless spirits Rocky used to mix with in his
letters I didn’t blame her I had only read a couple of his letters,
but they certainly gave the impression that poor old Rocky was
by way of being the hub of New York night life, and that, if by
any chance he failed to show up at a cabaret, the management
said, “What’s the use?” and put up the shutters
The next two nights I didn’t come across them, but the night
after that I was sitting by myself at the Maison Pierre when
somebody tapped me on the shoulder-blade, and I found Rocky
standing beside me, with a sort of mixed expression of wistfulness
and apoplexy on his face How the man had contrived to wear
my evening clothes so many times without disaster was a mystery
to me He confided later that early in the proceedings he had
slit the waistcoat up the back and that that had helped a lot
For a moment I had the idea that he had managed to get away
from his aunt for the evening, but, looking past him, I saw that
she was in again She was at a table over by the wall, looking at
meas if I were something the management ought to be complained
to about.

“Bertie, old scout,” said Rocky, in a quiet, sort of crushed voice,
"we’ve always been pals, haven't we ? I mean, you know I’d do
you a good turn if you asked me ”

"My dear old lad,” I saJ& The man had moved me
“Then, for Heaven’s sake, come over and sit at our table for
the rest of the evening ”

THE AUNT AND THE SLUGGARD 99

Well, you know, there are limits to the sacred claims of friend-
ship

“My dear chap,” I said, “you know I’d do anything m reason,
but ”

“You must come, Bertie You’ve got to Something’s got to be
done to divert her mind She’s brooding about something She’s
beSt like that for the last two days I think she’s beginning to
suspect She*can’t understand why we never seem to meet any-
one I know at these joints A few nights ago I happened to run
into two newspaper men I used to know fairly well That kept me
going for a while I introduced them to Aunt Isabel as David
Belasco and Jim Corbett, and it went well But the effect has
worn off now, and she’s beginning to wonder again Something’s
got to be done, or she will find out everything, and if she does
I’d take a nickel for my chance of getting a cent from her later
on So, for the love of Mike, come- across to our table and help
things along”

I went along One has to rally round a pal in distress Aunt
Isabel was sitting bolt upright, as usual It certainly did seem as
if she had lost a bit of the zest with which she had started out to
explore Broadway She looked as if she had been thinking a
good deal about rather unpleasant things

“You’ve met Bertie Wooster, Aunt Isabel?” said Rocky

“I have”

“Take a seat, Bertie,” said Rocky

And so the party merry began It was one of those jolly, happy,
bread-crumbling parties where you cough twice before youspeak,
then decide not to say it after all After we had had an hour of this
wild dissipation. Aunt Isabel said she wanted to go home In the
light of what Rocky had been telling me, this struck me as sinister.
I had gathered that at the beginning of her visit she had had to be
dragged home with ropes

It must have hit Rocky the same way, for he gave me a pleading
look

“You’ll come along, won’t you, Bertie, and have a drink at the
flat?”

I had a feeling that this wasn’t in the contract, but there wasn't
anything to be done It seemed brutakto leave the poor chap alone
with the woman, so I went along.

Right from the start, from the moment we stepped into the
taxi, the feeling began to grow that something was about to break

100 CARRY ONj JEEVES

loose A massive silence prevailed in the comer where the aunt
sat, and, though Rocky, balancing himself on the little seat in
front, did his best to supply dialogue, we weren’t a chatty party
I had a glimpse of Jeeves as we went into the fiat, sitting in
his lair, and I wished I could have called to him to rally round
Some thing told me that I was about to need him
The stuff was on the table in the sitting-room Rocky toofetip
the decanter
“Say when, Bertie ”

“Stop*” barked the aunt, and he dropped it
I caught Rocky’s eye as he stooped to pick up the ruins It
was the eye of one who sees it coming
“Leave it there, Rockmetteller'” said Aunt Isabel, and Rocky
left it there

“The time has come to speak,” she said “I cannot stand idly
by and see a young man going to perdition
Poor old Rocky gave a sort of gurgle, a kind of sound rather
like the whisky had made r unning out of the decanter on to my
carpet

“Eh?” he said, blinking
The aunt proceeded

“The fault,” she said, “was mine I had not then seen the light
But now my eyes are open I see the hideous mistake I have made
I shudder at die thought of the wrong I did you, Rockmetteller,
by urging you into contact with this wicked city ”

I saw Rocky grope feebly for the table His fingers touched it,
and a look of relief came into the poor chappie’s face I understood
his feelings

“But when I wrote you that letter, Rockmetteller, instructing
you to go to the aty and live its life, I had not had the privilege
of hearing Mr Mundy speak on the subject of New York ”
“Jimmy Mundy!” I cned

You know how it is sometimes when everything seems all
mixed up and you suddenly get a clue When she mentioned
Jimmy Mundy I began to understand more or less what had
happened. I’d seen it happen before I remember, back in Eng-
land, the man I had before Jeeves sneaked off to a meeting on
his evening out and came back and denounced me in front of a
crowd of chappies I was giving a bit of supper to as a useless blot
on the fabric of Society
The aunt gave me a withering up and down

THE AUNT AND THE SLUGGARD IOI

“Yes, Jimmy Mundy 1 ” she said “I am surprised at a man of
your stamp having heard of him There is no music, there are
no drunken, dancing men, no shameless, flaunting women at his
meetings, so for you they would have no attraction But for
others, less dead in sm, he has his message He has come to save
New York from itself, to force it — in his picturesque phrase — to
hifthe trail It was three days ago, Rockmetteller, that I first
heard him It*was an accident that took me to his meeting How
often m this life a mere accident may shape our whole future 1

“You had been called away by that telephone message from
Mr Belasco, so you could not take me to the Hippodrome, as we
had arranged I asked your man-servant, Jeeves, to take me there
The man has very little intelligence He seems to have misunder-
stood me I am thankful that he did He took me to what I
subsequently learned was Madison Square Garden, where Mr
Mundy is holding his meetings He escorted me to a seat and
then left me And it was not till the meeting had begun that I
discovered the mistake which had been made My seat was in
the middle of a row I could not leave without inconveniencing a
great many people, so I remained ”

She gulped

“Rockmetteller, I have never been so thankful for anything
else Mr Mundy was wonderful 1 He was like some prophet of
old, scourging the sms of the people He leaped about in a frenzy
of inspiration till I feared he would do himself an injury Some-
times he expressed himself m a somewhat odd manner, but every
word earned conviction He showed me New York in its true
colours He showed me the vanity and wickedness of sitting in
gdded haunts of vice, eating lobster when decent people should be
in bed

“He said that the tango and the fox-trot were devices of the
devil to drag people down mto the Bottomless Pit He said that
there was more sm in ten minutes with a negro banjo orchestra
than in all the ancient revels of Nineveh and Babylon And
when he stood on one leg and pointed right at where I was sitting
and shouted ‘This means you'* I could have sunk through the
floor I came away a changed woman Surely you must have no-
ticed the change in me, Rockmetteller ? You must have seen that
I was no longer the careless, thoughtless person who had urged
you to dance in those places of wickedness ?”

Rocky was holding on to the table as if it was his only friend

102 CAREY ON, JEEVES

“Y-yes,” he stammered, “I — I thought something was wrong ”

“Wrong? Something was right' Everything was right' Rock-
metteUer, it is not too late for you to be saved You have only
sipped of the evil cup You have not drained it It will be hard at
first, but you will find that you can do it if you fight with a stout
heart against the glamour and fascination of this dreadful city
Won’t you, for my sake, try, Rockmetteller ? Won’t you go t!fthe
the country to-morrow aid. begin the struggle? Cittle by little,
if you use your will ”

I can’t help thinking it must have been that word “will” that
roused dear old Rocky like a trumpet call It must have brought
home to him the realisation that a miracle had come off and
saved him from being cut out of Aunt Isabel’s At any rate, as
she said it he perked up, let go of the table, and faced her with
gleaming eyes

“Do you want me to go to- the country. Aunt Isabel?”

“Yes ”

“To live in the country ?”

“Yes, Rockmetteller ”

“Stay m the country all the time ? Never come to New York ?”

“Yes, Rockmetteller, I mean just that It is the only way
Only there can you be safe from temptation Will you do it,
Rockmetteller ? Will you — for my sake ?”

Rocky grabbed the table again He seemed to draw a lot of
encouragement from that table

“I will'” he said

“Jeeves,” I said It was next day, and I was back in the old
flat, lying in the old arm-chair, with my feet upon the good old
table I had just come from seeing dear old Rocky off to his country
cottage, and an hour before he had seen his aunt off to whatever
hamlet it was that she was the curse of, so we were alone at last
“Jeeves, there’s no place like home— what?”

“Very true, six ”

“The jolly old roof-tree, and all that sort of thing — what ?”

“Precisely, sir ”

I lit another cigarette

“Jeeves "

“Sir?”

“Do you know, at one point in the business I really thought
you were baffled.”

THE AUNT AND THE SLUGGARD 103

“Indeed, sir’”

“When did you get the idea of taking Miss Rockmetteller to
the meeting? It was pure genius 1 ”

“Thank you, sir It came to me a little suddenly, one mor ning
when I was thinking of my aunt, sir ”

“Your aunt’ The hansom cab one?”

'■"‘Yes, sir I recollected that, whenever we observed one of
her attacks cdhung on, we used to send for the clergyman of the
parish We always found that if he talked to her a while of higher
dungs it diverted her mind from hansom cabs It occurred to me
that the same treatment might prove efficacious in the case of Miss
Rockmetteller ”

I was stunned by the man’s resource
“It’s brain,” I said, “pure brain 1 What do you do to get like
that, Jeeves ? I believe you must eat a lot of fish, or some thing
Do you eat a lot of fish, Jeeves ?” ,

“No, sir”

“Oh, well, then, it’s just a gift, I take it, and if you aren’t
bom that way there’s no use worrying ”

“Precisely, sir,” said Jeeves “If I might make the suggestion,
sir, I should not continue to wear your present tie The green
shade gives you a shghdy bihous air I should strongly advocate
the blue with the red domino pattern instead, sir ”

“All right, Jeeves,” I said humbly “You know 1 ”

The Rummy Affair of Old Biffy

“ teeves,” I said, emerguftg from the old tub, “rdfly round ”

J “Yes, sir”

I beamed on the man with no little geniality I was putting in a
week or two in Paris at the moment, and there’s something about
Paris that always makes me feel fairly full of espihglene aadjote de
more

“Lay out our gent’s medium-smart raiment, suitable for
Bohemian revels,” I said “I am lunching with an artist bloke
on the other side of the rivers”

“Very good, sir.”

“And if anybody caHSTor me, Jeeves, say that I shall be back
towards the quiet evenfall ”

“Yes, sir Mr Biffen rang up on the telephone while you were
m your bath ”

“Mr Biffen? Good heavens 1 ”

Amazing how one’s always running across fellows m foreign
cities — coves, I mean, whom you haven’t seen for ages and would
have betted weren’t anywhere in the neighbourhood Pans was
the last place where I should have expected to find old Biffy
popping up There was a tune when he and I had been lads about
town together, lunching and dining together practically every
day, but some eighteen months back his old godmother had
died and left him that place in Herefordshire, and he had retired
there to wear gaiters and prod cows in the nbs and generally
be the country gentleman and landed proprietor Since then I
had hardly seen him

“Old Biffy in Paris ? What’s he doing here >”

“He did not confide in me, sir,” said Jeeves — a trifle frostily, I
thought It sounded somehow as if he didn’t like Biffy. £nd yet
they had always been matey enough in the old days
“Where’s he staying ?”

“At thfe Hotel Avemda, Rue du Cohsde, sir He informed me
that he was about to take a walk and would call this afternoon ”
“Well, if he comes when I’m out, tell him to wait And now,

104

THE RUMMY AFFAIR OF OLD BIFFY 105

Jeeves, mes gants , mem chapeau , er fe whangee de monsieur I must
be poppmg ”

It was such a corking day and I had so much tune in hand
that near the Sorbonne I stopped my cab, deciding to walk
tbe rest of the way And I had hardly gone three steps and a
half when there on the pavement before me stood old Biffy in
pSPSon If I had completed the last step I should have r amme d

him

“Biffy'” I cried “Well, well, well'”

He peered at me in a blinking kind of way, rather like one of
his Herefordshire cows prodded unexpectedly while lun ching
“Bertie'” he gurgled, in a devout sort of tone “Thank God'”
He clutched my arm “Don’t leave me, Bertie I’m lost ”

“What do you mean, lost 5 ”

“I came out for a walk and suddenly discovered after a mile
or two that I didn’t know where on earth I was I’ve been wandering
round in circles for hours ”

“Why didn’t you ask the way ?”

“I can’t speak a word of French ”

“Well, why didn’t you call a taxi ?”

“I suddenly discovered I’d left all my money at my hotel ”
“You could have taken a cab and paid it when you got to the
hotel”

“Yes, but I suddenly discovered, dash it, that I’d forgotten
its name”

And there m a nutshell you have Charles Edward Biffen
As vague and woollen-headed a blighter as ever bit a sandwich
Goodness knows — and my Aunt Agatha will bear me out in this
— Fm no master-mind myself, but compared with Biffy I’m
one of the great thinkers of all time
“I’d give a shilling,” said Biffy wistfully, “to know the name
of that hotd ”

“You can owe it me Hotel Avemda, Rue du Colis6e ”
“Bertie' This is uncanny. How the deuce did you know 5 ”
“That was the address you left with Jeeves this morning ”
“SojUwas I had forgotten ”

“Well, come along and have a drink, and then I’ll put you in
a cab and send you home I’m engaged for lunch, but I’ve plenty
of time”

We drifted to one of the eleven cafls which jostled each other
along the street and I ordered restoratives

_I06 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“What on earth are you doing in Paris 5 ” I asked
“Bertie, old man, ” said Bifiy solemnly, “I came here to try
and forget ”

“Well, you’ve certainly succeeded”

“You don’t understand The fact is, Bertie, old lad, my heart
is broken I’ll tell you the whole story ”

“No, I say'” I protested But he was off
“Last year,” said Biffy,«f‘I buzzed over to Canada to do a bit
of salmon fishing ”

I ordered another If this was gomg to be a fish-story, I needed
stimulants

“On the liner gomg to New York I met a girl ” Bifly made a
sort of curious gulping noise not unlike a bulldog trying to swallow
half a cutlet in a hurry so as to be ready for the other half “Bertie,
old man, I can’t describe her I simply can’t describe her ”
This was all to the good

“She was wonderful 1 We used to walk on the boat-deck after
dinn er She was on the stage At least, sort of”

“How do you mean, sort of?”

“Well, she had posed for artists and been a mannequin in a
big dressmaker’s and all that sort of thing, don’t you Imow
Anyway, she had saved up a few pounds and was on her way to
see if she could get a job m New York She told me all about
herself Her father ran a milk-walk m Clapham Or it may have
been Cncklewood At least, it was either a milk-walk or a boot-
shop ”

“Easily confused ”

“What I’m trying to make you understand,” said Bifiy, “is
that she came of good, sturdy, respectable middle-class stock
Nothing flashy about her The sort of wife any man might have
been proud of”

“Well, whose wife was $he>”

“Nobody’s That’s the whole pomt of the story I wanted her
to be name, and I lost her ”

“Had a quarrel, you mean?”

“No, I don’t mean we had a quarrel I mean I literally lost
her The last I ever saw of her was m the Customs sheds at New
York We were behind a pile of trunks, and I had just asked her
to be my wife, and she had just said she would and everything
was perfectly splendid, when a most offensive blighter m a
peaked cap came up to talk about some cigarettes which he had

THE RUMMY AFFAIR OF OLD BIFFY IO7

found at the bottom of my trunk and which I had forgotten to
declare It was getting pretty late by then, for we hadn’t docked
till about ten-thirty, so I told Mabel to go on to her hotel and I
would come round next day and take her to lunch And since
then I haven’t set eyes on her ”

“You mean she wasn’t at the hotel ?”

•^Probably she was But ”

“You don’* mean you never tumec^up?”

“Berne, old man,” said Biffy, in an overwrought kind of way,
“for Heaven’s sake don’t keep trying to tell me what I mean
and what I don’t mean' Let me tell this my own way, or I shall
get all mixed up and have to go back to the beginning ”

“Tell it your own way,” I said hastily
“Well, then, to put it m a word, Berne, I forgot the name of
the hotel By the time I’d done half an hour’s heavy explaining
about those cigarettes my mind was a blank I had an idea I had
wntten the name down somewhere, but I couldn’t have done,
for it wasn’t on any of the papers in my pocket No, it was no
good She was gone ”

“Why didn’t you make inquiries 5 ”

“Weil, the feet is, Berne, I had forgotten her name ”

“Oh, no, dash it 1 ” I said This seemed a bit too thick even for
Bifiy “How could you forget her name 5 Besides, you told it
me a moment ago Muriel or something ”

“Mabel,” corrected Bifiy coldly “It was her surname I’d
forgotten So I gave it up and went to Canada ”

“But half a second,” I said “You must have told her your
name I mean, if you couldn’t trace her, she could trace you ”
“Exactly That’s what makes it all seem so infernally hopeless.
She knows my name and where I live and everything, but I
haven’t heard a word from her I suppose, when I didn’t turn up
at tfre hotel, she took it that that was my way of hinting delicately
that I had changed my mind and wanted to call the thing off”
“I suppose so,” I said There didn’t seem anything else to
suppose “Well, the only thing to do is to whizz around and try
to heal the wound, what? How about dinner to-night, winding
up at fEe Abbaye car one of those places ?”

Bifiy shook Ins head

“It wouldn’t be any good I’ve toed it Besides, I’m leaving
on the four o’clock tram I have a dinner engagement to-morrow
with aman who’s nibbling at that house of mine in Herefordshire ”

108 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“Oh, are you trying to sell that place ? I thought you liked it ”
“I did But the idea of going on living in that great, lonely
bam of a house after what has happened appals me, Bertie So

when Sir Roderick Glossop came dong ”

“Sir Roderick Glossop' You don’t mean the loony-doctor?”
“The great nerve specialist, yes Why, do you know him?’
It was a warm day, but I shivered

“I was engaged to his (laughter for a week or^wo,” I said,
in a hushed voice The memory of that narrow squeak always
made me feel faint

“Has he a daughter said Biffy absently

“He has Let me tell you all about ”

“Not just now, old man,” said Biffy, getting up “I ought
to be going bad; to my hotel to see about my packing ”

Which, after I had listened to his story, struck me as pretty
low-down However, the longer you live, the more you realise
that the good old sporting spirit of give-and-take has practically
died out in our midst So I boosted him into a cab and went oft to
lunch

It can’t have been more than ten days after this that I received
a nasty shock while getting outside my morning tea and toast
The English papers had arrived, and Jeeves was just drifting
out of the room after depositing The Times by my bed-side,
when, as I idly turned the pages in search of the sporting section,
a paragraph leaped out and hit me squarely in the eyeball
As follows —

FORTHCOMING MARRIAGES
Mr C E Biffen and Miss Glossop

The engagement is announced between Charles Edward ,
only son of the late Mr E C Biffen, and Mrs Biffen, of 11,
Pensions Square, Mayfair, and Honorta Jane Louise, only
daughter of Sir Roderick and Lady Glossop, of 6fa m JJarley
Street, W

“Great Scottl” I exclaimed.

“Sir ?” said Jeeves, turning at the door
“Jeeves, you remember Mbs Glossop ?”

THE RUMMY AFFAIR OF OLD BIFFY 109

“Very vividly, sir ”

“She’s engaged to Mr Bifien 1 ”

“Indeed, sir’” said Jeeves And, with not another word, he
slid out The blighter’s calm amazed and shocked me It seemed
to indicate that there must be a horrible streak of callousness in
him I mean to say, it wasn’t as if he didn’t know Honona
•Slossop

I read the paragraph again A peculiar feeling it gave me
I don’t know if you have ever experienced the sensauon of seeing
the announcement of the engagement of a pal of yours to a girl
whom you were only saved from marrying yourself by the skm
of your teeth It induces a sort of— well, it’s difficult to describe
it exactly, but I should imagine a fellow would feel much the
same if he happened to be strolling through the jungle with a
boyhood chum and met a tigress or a jaguar, or what not, and
managed to shin up a tree and looked down and saw the friend
of his youth vanishing into the undergrowth in the animal’s
slavering jaws A sort of profound, prayerful relief, if you know
what I mean, blended at the same time with a pang of pity
What I’m driving at is that, thankful as I was that I hadn’t had
to marry Honona myself, I was sorry to see a real good chap
like old Bifiy copping it I sucked down a spot of tea and began
to brood over the business

Of course, there are probably fellows in the world — tough,
hardy blokes with strong chins and glittering eyes— who could
get engaged to this Glossop menace and like it But I knew
perfectly well that Bifiy was not one of them Honona, you see,
is one of those robust^ dynamic girls with the muscles of a
welter-weight and a laugh like a squadron of cavalry charging
over a tin bndge A beastly thing to have to face over the breakfast
table Brainy, moreover The sort of girl who reduces you to
pulp with sixteen sets of tennis and a few rounds of golf and then
comes down to dinner as fresh as a daisy, expecting you to take
an intelligent interest in Freud If I had been engaged to her
another week, her old father would have had one more patient
on his books, and Bifiy is much the same quiet sort of peaceful,
inofiiSEJve bird as me I was shocked, I tell you, shocked
And, as I was saying, the thing that shocked me most was
Jeeves’s frightful lack of proper emotion The man happening
to float in at this juncture, I gave him one more chance to show
some human sympathy

no CARRY ON, JEEVES

“You got the name correctly, didn’t you, Jeeves?” I said
“Mr Biffen is going to marry Honoria Glossop, the daughter
of the old boy with the egg-like head and the eyebrows ”
“Yes, sir Which suit would you wish me to lay out this
morning?”

And this, mark you, from the man who, when I was engaged
to the Glossop, strained every fibre in his brain to extricate mp"
It beat me I couldn’t understand it
“The blue with the red fwill,” I said coldly My manne r was
marked, and I meant him to see that he had disappointed me
sorely

About a week later I went back to London, and scarcely had
I got settled in the old flat when Bifiy blew m One glance was
enough to tell me that the poisoned wound had begun to fester
The man did not look bright No, there was no getting away from
it, not bnght He had that kind of stunned, glassy expression
which I used to see on my owrf face in the shaving-mirror d uring
my brief engagement to the Glossop pestilence However, if you
don’t want to be one of the What is Wrong With This Picture
bngade, you must observe the conventions, so I shook his band
as warmly as I could

“Well, well, old man,” I said “Congratulations ”

“Thanks,” said Bifiy wanly, and there was rather a weighty
silence

“Bertie,” said Bifiy, after the silence had lasted about three
minutes
“Hallo?”

“Is it really true ?”

“What?”

“Oh, nothing,” said Bifiy, and conversation languished again
After about a minute and a half he came to the surface once
more
“Bertie ”

"Still here, old thing What is it?”

“I say, Bertie, is it really true that you were once engaged to
TSonam?”

“It is”

Bifify coughed

“How did you get out— I mean, what was the nature of the
tragedy that prevented the marriage?”

“Jeeves worked it He thought out the entire s cVm p ”

THE RUMMY AFFAIR OF OLD BIFFY III

“I think, before I go,” said Biffy thoughtfully, “I’ll just step
into the kitchen and have a word with Jeeves ”

I felt that the situation called for complete candour
“Biffy, old egg,” I said, “as man to man, do you want to oil
out of this thing’”

“Bertie, old cork,” said Biffy earnestly, “as one friend to an-
swer, Ido”

“Then why the dickens did you evpr get into it ?”

“I don't know Why did you?”

“I— well, it sort of happened ”

“And it sort of happened with me You know how it is when
your heart’s broken A kind of lethargy comes over you You
get absent-minded and cease to exerase proper precautions,
and the first thing you know you’re for it I don’t know how it
happened, old man, but there it is And what I want you to tell
me is, what’s the procedure?” ,

“You mean, how does a fellow edge out ?”

“Exactly I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, Berne,
but I can’t go through with this thing The shot is not on the
board For about a day and a half I thought it might be all right,

but now You remember that laugh of hers

“I do”

“Well, there’s that, and then all this business of never letting

a fellow alone — improving his mind and so forth ”

“I know I know ”

“Very well, then What do you recommend? What did you
mean when you said that Jeeves worked a scheme’”

“Well, you see, old Sir Roderick, who’s a loony-doctor and
nothing but a loony-doctor, however much you may call him a
nerve specialist, discovered that there was a modicum of insanity
in my family No thing serious Just one of my uncles Used to
keep rabbits in his bedroom And the old boy came to lunch here
to give me the once-over, and Jeeves arranged matters so that he
went away firmly convinced that I was off my onion ”

“I see,” said Biffy thoughtfully “The trouble is there isn’t
any insanity in my family ”

“None>”

It seemed to me almost incredible that a fellow could be such
a perfect chump as dear old Biffy without a bit of assistance
“Not a loony on the list,” he said gloomily “It’s just like
my luck The old boy’s coming to lunch with me to-morrow,

112 CARRY ON, JEEVES

no doubt to test me as he did you And I never felt saner in my

life”

I thought for a moment The idea of meeting Sir Roderick
a gain gave me a cold shivery feeling, but when there is a chant*
of helping a pal we Woosters have no thought of self
“Look here, Biffy,” I said, “I’ll tell you what I’ll roll up for
that lunch It may easily happen that when he finds you ar e*i
pal of mine he will forbicj. file banns right away Qnd no more
questions asked”

“Something in that,” said Biffy, brightening “Awfully
sporting of you, Berne ”

“Oh, not at all,” I said "And meanwhile 1*11 consult Jeeves
Put the whole thing up to him and ask his advice He’s never
failed me yet ”

Biffy pushed off, a good deal braced, and I went into the kitchen
“Jeeves,” I said, *T want ypur help once more I’ve just been
having a painful interview with Mr Biffen ”

“Indeed, sir?”

“It’s like this,” I said, and told him the whole thing
It was rummy, but I could feel him freezing from the start
As a rule, when I call Jeeves into conference on one of these
little problems, he’s all sympathy and bright ideas, but not
to-day

“I fear, sir,” he said, when I had finished, "it is hardly my

place to intervene in a private matter affecting ”

“Oh, come!”

“No, sir It would be taking a liberty ”

“Jeeves,” I said, tackling file blighter squarely, “what have
you got against old Biffy *”

“I, sir*”

“Yes, you ”

“I assure you, sir 1 ”

“Oh, well, if you don’t want to chip m and save a fellow-
creature, I suppose I can’t make you But let me tell you this
I am now going back to the sitting-room, and I am going to

F it in some very tense thinking You’ll look pretty silly when
come and tell you that I’ve got Mr Biffen out of the soup
without your assistance Extremely silly you’ll look ”

“Yes, sir Shall I bring you a whisky-and-soda, sir ?”

“No Coffee' Strong and black And if anybody wants to see
me, tell ’em that I’m busy and can’t be disturbed ”

THE RUMMY AFFAIR OF OLD BIFFY 113

An hour later I rang the bell

“Jeeves,” I said with hauteur

“Yes, sir?”

“Kindly ring Mr BifFen up on the phone and say that Mr
Wooster presents his compliments and that he has got it ”

I was feeling more than a little pleased with myself next
morning as»I strolled round to Bjpy’s As a rule the bright
ideas you get overnight have a trick of not seeming quite so
frightfully fruity when you examine them by the light of day,
but this one looked as good at breakfast as it had done before
dinner I examined it narrowly from every angle, and I didn’t
see how it could fail

A few days before, my Aunt Emily’s son Harold had celebrated
his sixth birthday, and, being up against the necessity of weighing
in with a present of some kmd, I had happened to see in a shop
in the Strand a rather sprightly little gadget, well calculated in
my opinion to amuse the child and endear him to one and
all It was a bunch of flowers m a sort of holder ending m an
ingenious bulb attachment which, when pressed, shot about
a pint and a half of pure spring water mto the face of anyone
who was ass enough to sniff at it It seemed to me just the dung
to please the growing mind of a kid of six, and I had rolled
round with it

But when I got to the house I found Harold sitting in the midst
of a mass of gifts so luxurious and costly that I simply hadn’t
the crust to contribute a thing that had set me back a mere
elevenpence-ha’penny, so with rare presence of mind — for we
Woosters can think quick on occasion — I wrenched my Unde
James’s card off a toy aeroplane, substituted my own, and
trousered the squirt, which I took away with me It had been
lying around in my flat ever since, and it seemed to me that the
tune had come to send it mto action

“Well?” said Biffy anxiously, as I curveted into his sitting-
room

Thejaoor old bird was looking pretty green about the gills
I recognised the symptoms I had felt much the same myself
when waiting for Sir Roderick to turn up and lunch with me
How the deuce people who have anything wrong with their
nerves can bring themselves to chat with that man, I can’t
imagine, and yet he has the largest practice m London Scarcely

1X4 CARRY ON, JEEVES

a day passes without his having to sit on somebody’s head and
ring for the attendant to bring the strait-waistcoat* and his out-
look on life has become so jaundiced through constant association
with coves who are picking straws out of their hair that I was
convinced that Bifly had merely got to press the bulb and nature
would do the rest

So I patted him on the shoulder and said “If s all right, old*
man'”

“What does Jeeves suggest’” asked Bifly eagerly

“Jeeves doesn’t suggest anything ”

“But you said it was all right ”

“Jeeves isn’t the only thinker in the Wooster home, my
lad I have taken over your little problem, and I can tell you
at once that I have the situation well in hand ”

“You?” said Bifly

His tone was far from flattering It suggested a lack of faith
in my abilities, and my view was that an ounce of demonstration
would be worth a ton of explanation I shoved the bouquet at

him

“Are you fond of flowers, Biffy ?” I said

“Eh?”

“Smell these”

Bifly extended the old beak m a careworn sort of way, and I
pressed the bulb as per printed instructions on the label

I do like getting my money’s-worth Elevenpence-ha’penny
the thing had cost me, and it would have been cheap at double
The advertisement on the outside of the box had said that its
effects were “indescribably ludicrous”, and I can testify that it
was no over-statement Poor old Bifly leaped three feet in the
air and smashed a small table

“There'” I said

The old egg was a trifle incoherent at first, but he found
words fairly soon and began to express himself with a good deal
of warmth

"Calm yourself, laddie,” I said, as he paused for breath
“It was no mere jest to pass an idle hour It was a dem onst ration.
Take this, Biffy, with an old fhend’s blessing, refill the bulb,
shove it into Sir Roderick’s face, press firmly, and leave the rest
to him I’ll guarantee that m something under three seconds
the idea will have dawned on him that you are not required in
his family ”

THE RUMMY AFFAIR OF OLD BIFFY 115

Bifiy stated at me

“Are_you suggesting that I squirt Sir Roderick
“Absolutely Squirt him good Squirt as you have never
squirted before ”

“But ”

He was still yammering at me in a feverish sort of way when
there was a ring at the front-door bell
“Good Lord'” cried Bifiy, quivering like a jelly “There he is
Talk to him while I go and change my shirt ”

I had just time to refill the bulb and shove it beside Biffy’s
plate, when the door opened and Sir Roderick came in I was
picking up the fallen table at the moment, and he started talking
brightly to my back

“Good afternoon I trust I am not Mr Wooster 1 ”

I’m bound to say I was not feeling entirely at my ease There
is something about the man that ^calculated to stoke terror into
the stoutest heart If ever there was a bloke at the very mention
of whose name it would be excusable for people to tremble like
aspens, that bloke is Sir Roderick Glossop He has an enormous
bald head, all the hair which ought to be on it seeming to have
run into his eyebrows, and his eyes go through you like a couple
of Death Rays

“How are you, how are you, how are you ?” I said, overcoming
a slight desire to leap backwards out of the window “Long
time since we met, what?”

“Nevertheless, I remember you most distinctly, Mr Wooster ”
“That’s fine,” I said “Old Bifiy asked me to come and join
you in mangling a bit of lunch ”

He waggled the eyebrows at me
“Are you a friend of Charles Biflen ?”

“Oh, rather Been friends for years and years ”

He drew in his breath sharply, and I could see that Bifiy*s
stock had dropped several points His eye fell on the floor, which
was strewn with things that had tumbled off the upset
table

“Have you had an accident he said
“NdSShg serious,” I explained “Old Bifiy had some sort
of fit or seizure just now and knocked over the table ”

“A fit’”

“Or seizure.”

“Is he subject to fits ?”

Il6 CARRY ON, JEEVES

I was about to answer, when Biffy hurried in He had forgotten
to brush his hair, which gave him a wild look, and I saw the old
boy direct a keen glance at him It seemed to me that what you
might call the preliminary spade-work had been most sati s factorily
attended to and that the success of the good old bulb could be
in no doubt whatever

Bifly’s man came in with the nose-bags and we sat down to
lunch

It looked at first as though the meal was going to be one of
those complete frosts which occur from time to tune in the
career of a constant luncher-out Biffy, a very C-3 host, contribut-
ed nothing to the feast of reason and flow of soul beyond an
occasional hiccup, and every time I started to pull a nifty, Sir
Roderick swung round on me with such a piercing stare that
it stopped me in my tracks e Fortunately, however, the second
course consisted of a chicken fricassee of such outstanding
excellence that the old boy, after wolfing a plateful, handed up
his dinner-pail for a second instalment and became almost
genial

“I am here fins afternoon, Charles,” he said, with what
practically amounted to bonhomie, “on what I might describe
as a mission Yes, a mission This is most excellent chicken ”

"Glad you like it,” mumbled old Biffy

“Singularly toothsome,” said Sir Roderick, pronging another
half ounce “Yes, as I was saying, a mission You young fellows
nowadays are, I know, content to live in the centre of the most
wonderful metropolis die world has seen, blind and indifferent
to its many marvels I should be prepared — were I a betting man,
which I am not— to wager a considerable sum that you have
never m your life visited even so histone a spot as Westminster
Abbey Am I nght?”

Biffy gurgled something about always having meant to

“Nor the Tower of London

No, nor the Tower of London

“And there exists at this very moment, not twenty minutes
by cab from Hyde Park Comer, the most supremely aBSorbing
and educational collection of objects, both animate and in-
animate, gathered from the four comers of the Empire, that has
ever been assembled in England’s history I allude to the British
Empire Exhibition now situated at Wembley ”

THE RUMMY AFFAIR OF OLD BIFFY 117

“A fellow told me one about Wembley yesterday,” I said,
to help on the cheery flow of conversation “Stop me if you’ve
heard it before Chap goes up to deaf chap outside the exhibition
and says, ‘Is this Wembley?’ ‘Hey?’ says deaf chap ‘Is this
Wembley?* says chap ‘Hey?’ says deaf chap ‘Is this Wembley?*
saw chap ‘No, Thursday,’ says deaf chap Ha, ha, I mead,
what?”

The merry laughter froze on my^lips Sir Roderick sort of
just waggled an eyebrow m my direction and I saw that it was
bach to the basket for Bertram I never met a man who had
such a knack of making a fellow feel like a waste-product
“Have you yet paid a visit to Wembley, Charles ?” he asked
“No ? Precisely as I suspected Well, that is the mission on which
I am here this afternoon Honoria wishes me to take you to
Wembley She says it will broaden your mind, in which view
I am at one with her We will star? immediately after luncheon ”
Bifiy cast an imploring look at me
“You’ll come too, Bertie

There was such agony in his eyes that I only hesitated for a
second A pal is a pal Besides, I felt that, if only the bulb ful-
filled the high expectations I had formed of it, the merry ex-
pedition would be cancelled in no uncertain manner
“Oh, rather,” I said

“We must not trespass on Mr Wooster’s good nature,” said -
Sir Roderick, looking pretty puff-faced
“Oh, that’s all right,” I said “I’ve been meaning to go to the
good old exhibish for a long time I’U slip home and change my
clothes and pick you up here in my car ”

There was a silence Biffy seemed too relieved at the thought
of not having to spend the afternoon alone with Sir Roderick
to be capable of speech, and Sir Roderick was registering silent
disapproval And then he caught sight of the bouquet by Bifly’s
plate

“Ah, flowers,” he said “Sweet peas, if I am not in error A
charming plant, pleasing alike to die eye and die nose ”

I cgyght Biffy’s eye across the table It was bulging, and a
strangefight shone m it

“Are you fond of flowers. Six Roderick ?” he croaked
“Extremely ”

“Smell these”

Sir Roderick dipped his head and sniffed Biffy’s fingers

Il8 CARRY ON, JEEVES

dosed slowly over the bulb I shut my eyes and dutched the

table

“Very pleasant,” I heard Sir Roderick say “Very pleas ant
indeed”

I opened my eyes, and there was Bifiy leaning back in his
chair with a ghastly look, and the bouquet on the doth beside
him I realised what had happened In that supreme crisis of his
life, with his whole happiness depending on a mere pressure of
the fingers, Bifiy, the poorspineless fish, had lost his nerve My
dosely-reasoned scheme had gone phut
Jeeves was fooling about with the geraniums in the sitting-
room window-box when I got home
“They make a very mce display, sir,” he said, cocking a paternal
eye at the things

“Don’t talk to me about flowers,” I said “Jeeves, I know
now how a general feds when, he plans out some great scientific
movement and his troops let him down at the eleventh hour ”
“Indeed, sir?”

‘Tes,” I said, and told him what had happened
He listened thoughtfully

“A somewhat vacillating and changeable young gentleman,
Mr Biffen,” was his comment when I had finished “Would
you be requiring me for the remainder of the afternoon, sir?”

“No I’m going to Wembley I just came back to change and
get the car Produce some fairly durable garments which can
stand getting squashed by the many-headed, Jeeves, and then
phone to the garage ”

“Very good, sir The grey cheviot will, I fancy, be suitable
Would it be too much if I asked you to give me a seat in the car,
sir M had thought of going to Wembley myself this afternoon ”
“Hi > Oh, all right ”

“Thank you very much, sir ”

I got dressed, and we drove round to Bifly’s flat Bifly and
Sir Roderick got in at the back and Jeeves climbed into the
front seat next to me Bifiy looked so ill-attuned to an afternoon’s
pleasure that my heart bled for the blighter and I made one
last attempt to appeal to Jeeves’s better feelings '***'

“I must say, Jeeves,” I said, “I’m dashed disappointed m you ”
“I am sorry to hear that, sir ”

“Well, I am Dashed disappointed I do flunk you might
rally round Did you see Mr Bifien’s face?”

THE RUMMY AFFAIR OF OLD BIFFY 119

“Yes, sir ”

“Well, then ”

“If you will pardon my saying so, sir, Mr Biffen has surely
only hims elf to thank if he has entered upon matrimonial ob-
ligations which do not please him ”

“You’re talking absolute rot, Jeeves You know as well as
I do that Honona Glossop is an Act of God You might lust
as well blame*a fellow for getting run,over by a truck ”

“Yes, sir”

“Absolutely yes Besides, the poor ass wasn’t in a condition
to resist He told me all about it He had lost the only girl
he had ever loved, and you know what a man’s like when that
happens to him ”

“How was that, sir 5 ”

“Apparently he fell m love with some girl on the boat going
to Hew York, and they parted at (the Customs sheds, arranging
to meet next day at her hotel Well, you know what Bifiy’s like
He forgets his own name half the tune He never made a note
of the address, and it passed dean out of his mind He went
about in a sort of trance, and suddenly woke up to find that he
was engaged to Honona Glossop ”

“I did not know of this, sir ”

“I don’t suppose anybody knows of it except me He told me
when I was in Pans ”

“I should have supposed it would have been feasible to
make inquines, sir”

“That’s what I said But he had forgotten her name ”

“That sounds remarkable, sir ”

“I said that, too But if s a fact All he remembered was that
her Christian name was Mabel Well, you can’t go scouring New
York for a girl named Mabel, what ?”

“I appreciate the difficulty, sir ”

“Well, there it is, then ”

“I see, sir”

We had got into a mob of vehicles outside the Exhibition by
this twos, and, some tncky dnvmg being indicated, I had to
suspend the conversation We parked ourselves eventually and
went in Jeeves drifted away, and Sir Roderick took charge of the
expedition He headed for the Palace of Industry, with Biffy
and myself trading behind.

Well, you know, I have never been much of a lad for exhibitions

120 CARRY ON, JEEVES

The citizenry in the mass always rather puts me off, and after
I We been shuffling along with the multitude for a quarter of
an hour or so I feel as if I were walking on hot bricks About
this particular binge, too, there seemed to me a lack of what
you might call human interest I mean to say, millions of people,
no doubt, are so constituted that they scream with joy and excite-
ment at die spectacle of a stuffed porcupine-fish or a glass jar of
seeds from Western Australia— but not Bertranf No, if you
will take the word of one who would not deceive you, not Bertram
By the time we had tottered out of the Gold Coast village and
were working towards the Palace of Machinery, everything
pointed to my shortly executing a quiet sneak in die direction
of that rather jolly Planters’ Bar in the West Indian section
Sir Roderick had whizzed us past this at a high rate of speed, it
touching no chord m him, but I had been able to observe that
there was a spnghdy sportsman behind the counter mining
things out of bottles and stirring them up with a stick in long
glasses that seemed to have ice in them, and the urge came
upon me to see more of this man I was about to drop away from
the mam body and become a straggler, when something pawed
at my coat-sleeve It was Biffy, and he had the air of one who has
had about sufficient

There are certain moments m life when words are not needed
I looked at Biffy, Biffy looked at me A perfect understanding
linked our two souls

U J 99

U | 99

Three minutes later we had joined the Planters

I have never been m the West Indies, but I am in a position
to state that m certain of the fundamentals of life they are streets
ahead of our European civilisation The man behind the counter,
as kindly a bloke as I ever wish to meet, seemed to guess our
requirements the moment we hove in view Scarcely had our
elbows touched the wood before he was leaping to and fro,
bringing down a new bottle with each leap A planter, apparently,
does not consider he has had a drink unless it contains at least
seven ingredients, and I’m not saying, mind you, that he isn’t
right The man behind the bar told us the things were called
Green Swizzles, and, if ever I marry and have a son. Green
Swizzle Wooster is the name that will go down on the register.

THE RUMMY AFFAIR OF OLD BIFFY 121

in memory of the day his father’s hfe -was saved at Wembley
After the third, Biffy breathed a contented sigh
“Where do you think Sir Roderick is ?” he said
“Biffy, old thing,” I replied frankly, “I’m not worrying ”
“Bertie, old bird,” said Biffy, “nor ami”

He sighed again, and broke a long silence by asking the man
for a straw

“Berne,” Hfe said, “I’ve just remembered something rather
rummy You know Jeeves 5 ”

I said I knew Jeeves

“Well, a rather rummy incident occurred as we were going
into this place Old Jeeves sidled up to me and said something
rather rummy You’ll never guess what it was ”

“No I don’t believe I ever shall ”

“Jeeves said,” proceeded Biffy earnestly, “and I am quoting
his very words— Jeeves said, ‘Mr Biffen’ — addressing me,

you understand ”

“I understand”

“ ‘Mr Biffen,’ he said, ‘I strongly advise you to visit the ’ ”

“The what ?” I asked as he paused

“Berne, old man,” said Biffy, deeply concerned, “I’ve abso-
lutely forgotten 1 ”

I stared at the man

“What I can’t understand,” I said, “is how you manage to
run that Herefordshire place of yours for a day How on earth
do you remember to milk the cows and give the pigs their
dinner?”

“Oh, that’s all right There are divers blokes about the places
— hirelings and menials, you know — who look after all
that”

“Ahi” I said “Well, that being so, let us have one more
Green Swizzle, and then hey for the Amusement Park ”

When I indulged in those few rather bitter words about
exhibitions, it must be distinctly understood that I was not
alluding^® what you might call the more earthly portion of
these curious places I yield to no man in my approval of those
institutions where cm payment of a shilling you are permitted
to slide down a slippery run-way sitting on a mat I love the
Jiggle-Joggle, and I am prepared to take on all and sundry at
Skee Ball for money, stamps, or Brazil nuts

122 CARRY ON, JEEVES

But, joyous reveller as I am on these occasions, I was simply
not in it with old Bifiy Whether it was the Green Swizzles or
merely the relief of being parted from Sir Roderick, I don’t
know, but Bifiy flung himself into the pastimes of the proletariat
with a zest that was almost frightening I could hardly drag him
away from the Whip, and as for the Switchback, he looked like
spending the rest of his life on it I managed to remove him at
last, and he was wandering through the crowd atfmy side with
gle aming eyes, hesitating between having his fortune told and
taking a whirl at the Wheel of Joy, when he suddenly grabbed
my arm and uttered a sharp animal cry

“Bertie

“Now what?”

He was pointing at a large sign over a building.

“Look i Palace of Beauty'”

I tried to choke him off I was getting a bit weary by this time
Not so young as I was

“You don’t want to go in there,” I said “A fellow at the dub
was telling me about that It’s only a lot of girls You don’t
want to see a lot of girls ”

“I do want to see a lot of girls,” said Bifly firmly “Dozens
of girls, and the more unlik e Honoria they are, the better
Besides, I’ve suddenly remembered that that’s the place Jeeves
told me to be sure and visit It all comes back to me ‘Mr Biffen,’
he said, ‘I strongly advise you to visit the Palace of Beauty ’
Now, what the man was driving at or what his motive was, I
don’t know, but I ask you, Bertie, is it wise, is it safe, is it judicious
ever to ignore Jeeves’s lightest word’ We alter by the door on
the left”

I don’t know if you know this Palace of Beauty place? It’s a
sort of aquarium full of the dehcately-nurtured instead of
fishes You go in, and there is a kind of cage with a female gog-
gling out at you through a sheet of plate glass She’s dressed in
some ward kind of costume, and over the cage is written “Helen
of Troy ” You pass on to the next, and there’s another one
doing ju-jitsu with a snake Sub-tide, Cleopatra Yog, get the
idea— Famous Women Through the Ages and all that I can’t
say it fascinated me to any great extent I maintain that lovely
woman loses a lot of her charm if you have to stare at her in a
tank Moreover, it gave me a rummy sort of feeling of having
wandered into the wrong bedroom at a country house, and I

THE RUMMY AfFAIR OF OLD BIFFY 123

was flying past at a fair rate of speed, anxious to get it over,
when Biffy suddenly went off his rocker
At least, it looked like that He let out a piercing yell, grabbed
my arm with a sudden clutch that felt like the bite of a crocodile,
and stood there gibbering

“Wuk 1 ” ejaculated Biffy, or words to that general import
A large and interested crowd had gathered round I think
they thought "'the girls were going to»be fed or something But
Bifly paid no attention to them He was pointing in a loony
manner at one of the cages I forget which it was, but the female
maiHe wore a ruff, so it may have been Queen Elizabeth or
Boadicea or someone of that period She was rather a nice-
looking girl, and she was staring at Biffy in much the same
pop-eyed way as he was staring at her
“Mabel 1 ” yelled Biffy, going off in my ear like a bomb
I can’t say I was feeling my chirpiest Drama is all very well,
but I hate getting mixed up in it in a public spot, and I had not
realised before how dashed public tins spot was The crowd
seemed to have doubled itself In the last five seconds, and, while
most of them had their eye on Biffy, quite a goodish few were
looking at me as if they thought I was an important principal
in the scene and might be expected at any moment to give of
my best in the way of wholesome entertainment for the
masses

Biffy was jumping about like a lamb in the springtime— -and,
what is more, a feeble-minded lamb
“Bertie 1 It’s her 1 It’s she 1 ” He looked about him wildly
“Where the deuce is the stage-door?” he cried “Where’s the
manager 5 I want to see the house-manager immediately”

And then he suddenly bounded forward and began hamm ering
on the glass with his stick
“I say, old lad 1 ” I began, but he shook me off
These fellows who hve m the country are apt to go m for
fair ly sizeable clubs instead of the light canes which your well-
dressed man about town considers suitable for metropolitan
use; andjdown m Herefordshire, apparently, something m the
nature of a knobkerrie is de nguewr Bifify’s first slosh smashed
the gla»» all to a hash Three more cleared the way for him to
go into the cage without cutting himself And, before the crowd
had time to realise what a wonderful bob’s-worth it was getting
in exchange for its entrance-fee, he was inside, engaging foe girl

134 CARRY ON, JEEVES

in earnest conversation And at the same moment two large

policemen rolled up

You can’t make policemen take the romantic view Not a
tear did these two blighters stop to brush away They were
inside the cage and out of it and marching Biffy through die
crowd before you had time to blink I hurried after them, to do
what I could in the way of soothing Biffy’s last moments, and
the poor old lad turned allowing face in my direction
“Chiswick, 60873,” he bellowed m a voice charged with
emotion “Write it down, Bertie, or I shall forget it Chiswick,
60873 Her telephone number ”

And then he disappeared, accompanied by about eleven
thousand sightseers, and a voice spoke at my elbow
“Mr Wooster' What— what— what is the meaning of this’”
Sir Roderick, with bigger eyebrows than ever, was standing
at my side *

“It’s all right,” I said “Poor old Biffy’s only gone off his
crumpet ”

He tottered
“What’”

“Had a sort of fit or seizure, you know ”

“Another 1 ” Sir Roderick drew a deep breath “And this is
the man I was about to allow my daughter to marry'” I heard
him mutter

I tapped him in a kindly spirit on the shoulder It took some
doing, mark you, but I did it

“If I were you,” I said, “I should call that off Scratch the
fixture. Wash it out absolutely, is my advice ”

He gave me a nasty look

“I do not require your advice, Mr Wooster' I had already
arrived independently at the decision of which you speak Mr
Wooster, you are a friend of this man— a fact which should in
itself have been sufficient warning to me You will— unlike
myself— be seeing him again Kindly inform him, when you
do see him, that he may consider his engagement at an end ”
“Right-ho,” I said, and hurried off after the crowd Jj seemed
to me that a little bailing-out might be in order

It was about an hour later that I shoved my way out to where
I had parked the car Jeeves was sitting m the front seat, brooding
over the cosmos He rose courteously as I approached

THE RUMMY AFFAIR OF OLD BIFFY 125

“You are leaving, sir*”

“I am ”

“And Sir Roderick, sir*”

“Not coming I am revealing no secrets, Jeeves, when I
inform you that he and I have parted brass-rags Not on speaking
terms now”

“Indeed, sir? And Mr Biffen? Will you wait for him*”
“No He’s nT prison ”

“Really, sir?”

“Yes I toed to bail him out, but they decided on second
thoughts to coop him up for the night ”

“What was his offence, sir ?”

“You remember that girl of his I was telling you about*
He found her in a tank at the Palace of Beauty and went after
her by the quickest route, which was via a plate-glass window
He was then scooped up and borne* off in irons by the constab-
ulary” I gazed sideways at him It is difficult to bring off a
penetrating glance out of the corner of your eye, but I managed
it “Jeeves,” I said, “there is more in this than the casual observer
would suppose You told Mr Biffen to go to the Palace of
Beauty Did you know the girl would be there *”

“Yes, sir”

This was most remarkable and rummy to a degree
“Dash Hi do you know everything*”

“Oh, no, sir,” said Jeeves with an indulgent smile Humouring
the young master
“Well, how did you know that ?”

“I happen to be acquainted with the future Mrs Biffen,
sir”

“I see Then you knew all about that business in New York *”
“Yes, sir And it was for that reason that I was not altogether
favourably disposed towards Mr Biffen when you were first
kind enough to suggest that I might be able to offer some slight
assistance I mistakenly supposed that he had been trifling with
the girl’s affections, sir But when you told me the true facts of
the case ^appreciated the injustice I had done to Mr Biffen
and endeavoured to make amends ”

“Well, he certainly owes you a lot He’s crazy about her ”
“That is very gratifying, sir ”

“And she ought to be pretty grateful to you, too Old Biffy’s
got fifteen thousand a year, not to mention more cows, pigs.

126 CARRY ON, JEEVES

hens, and ducks than he knows what to do with A dashed useful
bird to have in any family ”

“Yes, sir ”

“Tell me, Jeeves,” I said, “how did you happen to know the
girl m the first place?”

Jeeves looked dreamily out into the traffic
“She is my niece, sir If I might make the suggestion, sir,
I should not jerk the steeijng-wheel with quite stfch suddenness
We very nearly collided with that omnibus ”

★ *] ★

Without the Option

T he evidense was all in The machinery of the law had
worked without a hitch And th£ beak, having adjusted a
pair of pince-nez which looked as though they were going to
do a nose-dive any moment, coughed like a pained sheep and
slipped us die bad news “The prisoner, Wooster,” he said —
and who can paint the shame and agony of Bertram at hearing
himself so described ? — “will pay a fine of five pounds ”

“Oh, rather 1 ” I said “Absolutely 1 Like a shot'”

I was dashed glad to get the thing settled at such a reasonable
figure I gazed across what they call the sea of faces till I picked
up Jeeves, sitting at the back Stout fellow, he had come to see
the young master through his hour of trial
“I say, Jeeves,” I sang out, “have you got a fiver? I’m a bit
short ”

“Silence 1 ” bellowed some officious blighter
“It’s all right,” I said, “just arranging the financial details
Got the stuff, Jeeves ?”

“Yes, sir”

“Good egg'”

“Are you a friend of the prisoner y ’ asked the beak
“I am in Mr Wooster’s employment, Your Worship, in the
capacity of gentleman’s personal gentleman ”

“Then pay the fine to the clerk ”

“Very good. Your Worship ”

The beak gave a coldish nod in my direction, as much as to
say that they might now strike the fetters from my wrists, and
having hitched up the pince-nez once more, proceeded to hand
poor old Sippy one of the nastiest looks ever seen in # Bosher
Street Police Court

“The csSe of die prisoner Leon Trotzky— which,” he said,
giving Sippy the eye again, “I am strongly inclined to think an
assumed and fictitious name— is more serious He has been
convicted of a wanton and violent assault upon the police. The
evidence of the officer has proved that the prisoner struck him

127

128 CARRY ON, JEEVES

in the abdomen, causing severe internal pain, and in other
ways interfered with him in the execution of his duties I am
aware that on the night following the annual aquatic contest
between the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge a certain
licence is traditionally granted by the authorities, but aggravated
acts of ruffianly hooliganism like that of the prisoner Trotzky
cannot be overlooked or palliated He will serve a sentence of
thirty days in the Second Division without the option of a fine ”
“No, I say— here— hi— <iash it all'” protested poor old Sippy
“Silence'” bellowed the officious blighter
“Next case,” said the beak And that was that

The whole affair was mostTunfortunate Memory is a trifle
blurred, but as far as I can piece together the facts, what happened
was more or less this

Abstemious cove though ham as a general thing, there is one
night m the year when, putting all other engagements aside,
I am rather apt to let myself go a bit and renew my lost youth,
as it were The night to which I allude is the one following the
annual aquatic contest between the Universities of Oxford and
Cambridge, or, putting it another way, Boat-Race Night Then,
if ever, you will see Bertram under the influence And on this
occasion, I freely admit, I had been doing myself rather juicily,
with the result that when I ran into old Sippy opposite the
Empire I was m quite fairly bonhomous mood This being so, it
cut me to the quick to perceive that Sippy, generally the brightest
of revellers, was far from bemg his usual sunny self He had the
air of a man with a secret sorrow
“Bertie,” he said as we strolled along toward Piccadilly
Circus, "the heart bowed down by weight of woe to weakest
hope will ding ” Sippy is by way of bemg an author, though
mainly dependent for the necessaries of life on subsidies fiom an
old aunt who lives in the country, and his conversation often
takes a literary turn "But the trouble is that I have no hope
to ding, to, weak or otherwise I am up against it, Bertie ”

“In what way, laddie ’”

“I’ve got to go to-morrow and spend three weeks "faith some
absolutely dud— I will go further— some positively scaly friends
of my Aunt Vera She has fixed the thing up, and may a nephew’s
curse blister every bulb m her garden ”

“Who are these hounds of hell’” I asked

WITHOUT THE OPTION 129

“Some people named Pringle I haven’t seen them since I
was ten, but I remember them at that tune striking me as
England’s premier warts ”

“Tough luck No wonder you’ve lost your morale ”

“The world,” said Sippy, “is very grey How can I shake
off this awful depression?”

It was then that I got one of those bright ideas one does get
round about 11 30 on Boat-Race night,

“What you want, old man,” I said, “is a policeman's helmet ”
“Do I, Bertie?”

“If I were you, I’d just step straight across die street and
get that one over there ”

“But there’s a policeman inside it You can see him distinctly ”
“What does that matter ?” I said I simply couldn’t follow his
reasoning

Sippy stood for a moment in thought
“I believe you’re absolutely right,” he said at last “Funny
I never thought of it before You really recommend me to get
that helmet?”

“I do, indeed”

“Then I will,” said Sippy, brightening up in the most re-
markable manner

So there you have the posish, and you can see why, as I
left the dock a free man, remorse gnawed at my vitals In his
twenty-fifth year, with life opening out before him and all that
sort of thing, Oliver Randolph Sipperley had become a jailbird,
and it was all my fault It was I who had dragged that fine spirit
down into the mire, so to speak, and the question now arose.
What could I do to atone?

Obviously the first move must be to get in touch with Sippy
and see if he had any last messages and what not I pushed
about a bit, making inquiries, and presently found myself in a
little dark room with whitewashed walls and a wooden bench
Sippy was sitting on the bench with his head in Ins hands
“How arg you, old lad?” I asked in a hushed, bedside voice
“I’m a ruined man,” said Sippy, looking like a poached
egg

Oh, come,” I said, “it’s not so bad as all that I mean to say,
you had the swift intelligence to give a false name There won’t
be anything about you in the papers ”

130 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“I’m not worrying about the papers What’s bothering me is,
how can I go and spend three weeks with the Pringles, starting
to-day, when I’ve got to sit in a prison cell with a ball and eham
on my ankle?”

“But you sad you didn’t want to go ”

“It isn’t a question of wanting, fathead I’ve got to go If I
don’t, my aunt will find out where I am And^jf she finds out
that I am doing thirty days, without the option, m the lowest
dungeon beneath the castle moat — well, where shall I get
off?”

I saw his point

“This is not a thing we can settle for ourselves,” I sad gravely
“We must put our trust in a higher power Jeeves is the man
we must consult ”

And having collected a few of the necessary data, I shook
his hand, patted him on th£ back and tooled off home to Jeeves
“Jeeves,” I sad, when I had climbed outside the pick-me-up
which he had thoughtfully prepared against my coming, “I’ve
got something to tell you, something important, something that
vitally affects one whom you have always regarded with—
one whom you have always looked upon — one whom you have
—well, to cut a long story short, as I’m not feeling quite myself
—Mr Sipperley”

“Yes, sir 5 ”

“Jeeves, Mr Souperley is in the sip ”

“Sir?”

“I mean, Mr Sipperley is in the soup ”

“Indeed, sir?”

“And all owing to me It was I who, in a moment of mistaken
kindness, wishing only to cheer him up and give him something
to occupy his mind, recommended him to pinch that policeman's
helmet”

“Is that so, sir?”

“Do you mind not intoning the responses, Jeeves 5 ” I said.
“Thisds a most complicated story for a man with a headache to
have to tell, and if you interrupt you’ll make me los$ the thread.
As a fevour to me, therefore, don’t do it Just nod every now
and then to show that you’re following me ”

I dosed my eyes and marshalled the facts
“To start with then, Jeeves, you may or may not know that
Mr Sipperley is practically dependent on his Aunt Vera ”

WITHOUT THE OPTION 131

“Would that be Miss Sipperley of the Paddock, Beckley-
on-the-Moor, in Yorkshire, sir ?”

‘Yes Don’t tell me you know her'”

“Not personally, sir But I have a cousin residing in the village
who has some slight acquaintance with Miss Sipperley He has
described her to me as an imperious and quick-tempered old lady
But I beg^our pardon, sir, I should have nodded ”

“Quite right, you should have n»dded Yes, Jeeves, you
should have nodded But it’s too late now ”

I nodded myself I hadn’t had my eight hours the night before,
and what you might call a lethargy was showing a tendency to
steal over me from time to time
‘Yes, sir?” said Jeeves

“Oh — ah— yes,” I said, giving myself a bit of a hitch up
“Where had I got to?”

“You were saying that Mr Sipperley is practically dependent
upon Miss Sipperley, sir ”

“Was 1 5 ”

“You were, sir ”

“You’re perfecdy right, so I was Well, then, you can readily
understand, Jeeves, that he has got to take jolly good care to
keep in with her You get that ?”

Jeeves nodded

“Now mark this closely The other day she wrote to old
Sippy, telling him to come down and sing at her village concert
It was equivalent to a royal command, if you see what I mean,
so Sippy couldn’t refuse in so many words But he had sung
at her village concert once before and had got the bird in no
uncertain manner, so he wasn’t playing any return dates You
follow so far, Jeeves
Jeeves nodded

"So what did he do, Jeeves? He did what seemed to him
at the moment a rather brainy thing He told her that, though
he would have been delighted to smgat her village concert by a
most unfortunate chance an editor had commissioned -him to
write a senes of amdes on the colleges of Cambridge and he was
obliged to pop down there at once and would be away for quite
three weeks All dear up to now?”

Jeeves inclined the coco-nut

“Whereupon, Jeeves, Miss Sipperley wrote back, saying that
she quite realised that work must come before pleasure —

132 CARRY ON, JEEVES

pleasure being her loose way of describing the act of singing
songs at the Beckley-on-the-Moor concert and getting the laugh
from the local toughs, but that, if he was going to Cambridge,
he must certainly stay with her friends, the Pringles, at their
house just outside the town And she dropped them a line t elling
them to expect him on the twenty-eighth, and they dropped
another line saying right-ho, and the thing was settled And now
Mr Sipperley is in the jug and what will be the ultimate outcome
or upshot ? Jeeves, it is a problem worthy of your great intellect
I rely on you ”

“I will do my best to justify your confidence, sir ”

“Carry on, then And meanwhile pull down the blinds and bring
a couple more cushions and heave that small chair this way so
t ha t I can put my feet up, and then go away and brood and let
me hear from you in — say 3j a couple of hours, or maybe three
And if anybody calls and wants to see me, inform them that I am
dead”

“Dead, sir?”

“Dead You won’t be so far wrong ”

It must have been well toward evening when I woke up with
a cnck in my neck but otherwise somewhat refreshed I pressed
the bell

“I looked in twice, sir,” said Jeeves, “but on each occasion
you were asleep and I did not like to disturb you ”

“The right spirit, Jeeves Well ?**

“I have been giving close thought to the little problem which
you indicated, sir, and I can see only one solution ”

“One is enough What do you suggest ?”

“That you go to Cambridge in Mr Sipperley’s place, sir ”

I stared at die man Certainly I was feeling a good deal better
than I had been a few hours before, but I was far from being
in a fit condition to have rot like this talked to me

“Jeeves," I said sternly, “pull yourself together This is mere
babbler-from the sickbed ”

“I feat I can suggest no other plan of action, sir,, which will
extricate Mr Sipperley from his dilemma”

“But dunk' Reflect 1 Why, even I, in spite of having had a
disturbed night and a most painful mo rning with the minions
of the law, can see that the scheme is a loony one To put the
finger on only one leak in the thing, it isn’t me these people

WITHOUT THE OPTION 133

want to see it’s Mr Sipperley They don’t know me from
Adam”

“So much the better, sir For what I am suggesting is that
you go to Cambridge, affecting actually to be Mr Sipperley ”

This was too much

“Jeeves,” I said, and I’m not half sure there weren’t tears
m my eyes, “sjirely you can see for yourself that this is pure
banana-oil It is not like you to come tnto the presence of a sick
man and gibber ”

“I think the plan I have suggested would be practicable, sir
While you were sleepmg, I was able to have a few words with
Mr Sipperley, and he informed me that Professor and Mrs
Pnngle have not set eyes upon him smce he was a lad of
ten”

“No, that’s true He told me that But even so, they would
be sure to ask him questions about my aunt — 01 rather his
aunt Where would I be then

“Mr Sipperley was kind enough to give me a few facts
respecting Miss Sipperley, sir, which I jotted down With these,
added to what my cousin has told me of the lady’s habits, I
think you would be m a position to answer any ordinary question ”

There is something dashed insidious about Jeeves Time
and again smce we first came together he has stunned me with
some apparently drivelling suggestion or scheme or ruse or plan
of campaign, and after about five minutes has convinced me that
it is not only sound but fruity It took nearly a quarter of an hour
to reason me into this particular one, it being considerably the
weirdest to date, but he did it I was holding out pretty firmly,
when he suddenly clinched the thing

“I would certainly suggest, sir,” he said, “that you left London
as soon as possible and remained hid for some little time in
some retreat where you would not be likely to be found ”

“Eh > Why?”

“During the last hour Mrs Spencer has been on the telephone
three times, sir, endeavouring to get into communication with
you” *

“Aunt Agatha 1 ” I cried, paling beneath my tan

“Yes, sir I gathered from her remarks that she had been
reading in the evening paper a report of this morning’s pro-
ceedings m the police court ”

I hopped from the chair like a jack rabbit of the prairie

134 CARRY ON, JEEVES

If Aunt Agatha was out with her hatchet, a move was most

certainly indicated

“Jeeves,” I said, “this is a time for deeds, not words Pack
— and that right speedily ”

“I have packed, sir ”

“Find out when there is a tram for Cambridge ”

“There is one in forty minutes, sir ”

“Call a taxi”

“A taxi is at the door, sir ”

“Good'” I said “Then lead me to it ”

The Maison Pringle was quite a bit of a way out of Cambridge,
a mile or two down the Trumpington Road, and when I arrived
everybody was dressing for dinner So it wasn’t till I had shoved
on the evening raiment and got down to the drawing-room that
I met the gang

“Hullo-ullo 1 ” I said, taking a deep breath and floating m
I tried to speak in a dear and ringing voice, but I wasn’t
feeling my chnpiest It is always a nervous job for a diffident
and unassuming bloke to visit a strange house for the first tune,
and it doesn’t make the thing any better when he goes there
pretending to be another fellow I was conscious of a rather pro-
nounced sinking feeling, which the appearance of the Pringles
did nothing to allay

Sippy had described them as England’s premier warts, and
it looked to me as if he might be about right Professor Pnngle
was a thimush, baldish, dyspeptic-lookmgish cove with an eye
like a haddock, while Mrs Pnngle’s aspect was that of one who
had had bad news round about the year 1900 and never really
got over it And I was just staggering under the impact of these
two when I was introduced to a couple of ancient females with
shawls all over them

“No doubt you remember my mother ?” said Professor Pnngle
mournfully, indicating Exhibit A
“Ohn-ahl” I said, achieving a bit of a beam
“And my aunt,” sighed the prof, as if things vjpre getting
worse and worse

“Well, well, well 1 ” I said shooting another beam m the direc-
tum of Exhibit B

“They were saying only this morning that they remembered
you,” groaned the prof, abandoning all hope

WITHOUT THE OPTION 135

There was a pause The whole strength of the company gazed
at me like a family group out of one of Edgar Allan Poe’s less
cheery yams, and I felt my ioie de vivre dying at the roots
“I remember Oliver,” said Exhibit A She heaved a sigh
“He was such a pretty child What a pity 1 What a pity 1 ”

Tactful, of course, and calculated to put the guest completely
at his ease ^

“I remember Oliver,” said Exhibit 3, looking at me m much
the same way as the Bosher Street beak had looked at Sippy
before putting on the black cap “Nasty htde boy! He teased
my cat”

“Aunt Jane’s memory is wonderful, considering that she will
be eighty-seven next birthday,” whispered Mrs Pringle with
mournful pride

“What did you say asked the^ Exhibit suspiciously
“I said your memory was wonderful ”

“Ah 1 ” The dear old creature gave me another glare I could
see that no beautiful friendship was to be looked for by Bertram
in this quarter “He chased my Tibby all over the garden, shooting
arrows at her from a bow ”

At this moment a cat strolled out from under the sofa and
made for me with its tail up Cats always do take to me, which
made it all the sadder that I should be saddled wife Sippy’s
criminal record I stooped to tickle it under fee ear, such being
my invariable policy, and fee Exhibit uttered a piercing cry
“Stop him' Stop him'”

She leaped forward, moving uncommonly well for one of her
years, and having scooped up fee cat, stood eyemg me with bitter
defiance, as if daring me to start anything Most unpleasant
“I like cats,” I said feebly

It didn’t go The sympathy of the audience was not with me

And conversation was at what you might call a low ebb, when

the door opened and a girl came in

“My daughter Heloise,” said the prof moodily, as if Ik hated

to admit it
»

I turned to mitt the female, and stood there with my hand out,
gaping I can’t remember when I’ve had such a nasty shock.

I suppose everybody has had the experience of suddenly
meeting somebody who reminded them frightfully of some
fearful person I mean to say, by way of an example, once what

136 CARRY ON, JEEVES

I was golfing in Scotland I saw a woman come into the hotel
who was the living image of my Aunt Agatha Probably a very
decent sort, if I had only waited to see, but I didn’t wait I
legged it that evening, utterly unable to stand the spectacle
And on another occasion I was driven out of a thoroughly festive
night club because the head waiter reminded me of my Unde
Percy r

Well, Heloise Pringle,- in the most ghastly way, resembled
Honona Glossop

I think I may have told you before about this Glossop scourge
She was the daughter of Sir Roderick Glossop, the loony doctor,
and I had been engaged to her for about three weeks, much against
my wishes, when the old boy most fortunately got the idea that
I was off my rocker and put the bee on the proceedings Since
than the mere thought of her had been enough to make me
start out of my sleep with a" loud cry And this girl was exactly
like her

“Er— how are you?” I said
"How do you do ?”

Her voice put the lid on it It might have been Honona herself
talking Honona Glossop has a voice like a lion-tamer making
some authoritative announcement to one of the troupe, and so
had this girl I bached away convulsively and sprang into the
air as my foot stubbed itself against something squashy A
sharp yowl rent the air, followed by an indignant cry, and I
turned to see Aunt Jane, on all fours, trying to put things nght
with the cat, which had gone to earth under the sofa She gave
me a look, and I could see that her worst fears had been realised
At this juncture dinner was announced — not before I was
ready for it

“Jeeves,” I said, when I got him alone that night “I am-no
faint-heart, but I am inclined to think that this binge is going
to prove a shade above the odds ”

"Yotfr' are not enjoying your visit, sir 7 *

* “I am not, Jeeves Have you seen Miss Pringle?”.

“Yes, sir, from a distance ”

“The best way to see her. Did you observe her
keenly?"

“Yes, sir."

“Did she remind you of anybody 7 *

WITHOUT THE OPTION 137

“She appeared to me to bear a remarkable likeness to her
cousin. Miss Glossop, sir ”

“Her cousin 1 You don’t mean to say she’s Honoria Glossop’s
cousin 1 ”

“Yes, sir Mrs Prmgle was a Miss Blatherwick — the younger
of two sisters, the elder of whom married Sir Roderick Glossop ”
“Great Scott* That accounts for the resemblance ”

“Yes, sir ” * *

“And what a resemblance, Jeeves* She even talks like Miss
Glossop ”

“Indeed, sir ? I have not yet heard Miss Prmgle speak ”
“You have missed little And what it amounts to, Jeeves, is
that, though nothing will induce me to let old Sippy down, I
can see that this visit is going to try me high At a pinch, I
could stand the prof and wife I could even make die effort of
a lifetime and bear up against Aunt Jane But to expect a man to
mix daily with the girl Heloise — and to do it, what is more, on
lemonade, which is all there was to drink at dinner— is to ask
too much of him What shall I do, Jeeves
“I think that you should avoid Miss Pringle’s society as much
as possible”

“The same great thought had occurred to me,” I said
It is all very well, though, to talk airily about avoiding a
female’s society, but when you are living m the same house
with her, and she doesn’t want to avoid you, it takes a bit of
domg It is a peculiar thing in life that the people you most
particularly want to edge away from always seem to cluster
round like a poultice I hadn’t been twenty-four hours m the
place before I perceived that I was going to see a lot of this
pestilence

She was one of those girls you’re always meeting on the stairs
and m passages I couldn’t go mto a room without seemg her
drift in a minute later And if I walked in the garden she was sure
to leap out at me from a laurel bush or the omon bed or something
By about the tenth day I had begun to feel absolutely haunted
“Jeeves,” I said, “I have begun to feel absolutely haunted ”
“Sir?”

“This woman dogs me I never seem to get a moment to
myself Old Sippy was supposed to come here to make a study of
the Cambridge colleges, and she took me round about fifty-
seven this morning This afternoon I went to sit in the garden,

138 CARRY ON, JEEVES

and she popped up through a trap and was in my midst This
evening she cornered me m the morning-room It’s getting so
that, when I have a bath, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to find her
nestling in the soap dish ”

“Extremely trying, sir ”

“Dashed so Have you any remedy to suggest

“Not at the moment, sir Miss Pringle does appear to be
distinctly interested in you, sir She was asking me questions
this morning respecting your mode of life in London ”

“What?”

“Yes, sir”

I stared at the man in horror A ghastly thought had struck
me I quivered like an aspen

At lunch that day a curious thing had happened We had just
finished mangling the cutlets and I was sitting bach in my
chair, taking a bit of an easy before being allotted my slab of
boiled pudding, when, happening to look up, I caught the girl
Heloise’s eye feed on me in what seemed to me a rather rummy
manner I didn’t think much about it at the time, because boiled
pudding is a thing you have to give your undivided attention to
if you want to do yourself justice, but now, rec alling the episode
in the light of Jeeves’s words, the full sinister meaning of the
thing seemed to come home to me

Even at the moment, something about that look had strode
me as oddly familiar, and now I suddenly saw why It had been
the identical look which I had observed in the eye of Honona
Glossop in the days immediately preceding our engagement—
the look of a tigress that has marked down its prey

“Jeeves, do you know what I think ?”

“Sir?”

I gulped slightly

“Jeeves,” I said, “listen attentively I don’t want to give the
impression that I consider myself one of those deadly coves
who exercise an irresistible fascination over one and all and
can’t meet a girl without wrecking her peace of min d in the first
half-minute As a matter of fact, it’s rather the oth$r way with
me, for girls on entering my presence are mostly inclined to
gwe me the raised eyebrow and die twitching upper lip Nobody,
therefore, can say that I am a man who’s likely to take alarm
unnecessarily You admit that, don’t you?”

“Yes, sir”

WITHOUT THE OPTION 139

“Nevertheless, Jeeves, it is a known scientific fact that there
is a particular style of female that does seem strangely attracted
to the sort of fellow lam”

“Very true, sir ”

“I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I’ve got, roughly
speaking, half the amount of brain, a normal bloke ought to
possess And when a girl comes along who has about twice the
regular allowafice, she too often makjs a bee line for me with
the love light in her eyes I don’t know how to account for it,
but it is so ”

“It may be Nature’s provision for maintaining the balance of
the species, sir ”

“Very possibly Anyway, it has happened to me over and
over again It was what happened m the case of Honona Glossop
She was notoriously one of the brainiest women of her year at
Girton, and she just gathered me In like a bull pup swallowing
a piece of steak ”

“Miss Pringle, I am informed, sir, was an even more brilliant
scholar than Miss Glossop ”

“Well, there you are' Jeeves, she looks at me ”

“Yes, sir?”

“I keep meeting her on the stairs and in passages ”

“Indeed, sir >”

“She recommends me books to read, to improve my mind ”
“Highly suggestive, sir ”

“And at breakfast this morning, when I was eating a sausage,
she told me I shouldn’t, as modem medical science held that
a four-inch sausage contained as many germs as a dead rat
The maternal touch, you understand, fussing over my health ”
“I think we may regard that, sir, as practically conclusive ”

I sank into a chair, thoroughly pipped
“What’s to be done, Jeeves ?”

“We must think, sir ”

“You think I haven’t the machinery ”

“I will most certainly devote my very best attention to the
matter, sir, and will endeavour to give satisfaction ”

Well, tfiat was something But I was ill at ease Yes, there is no
getting away from it, Bertram was fil at ease

Nest morning we visited sixty-three more Cambridge colleges,
and after lunch I said I was going to my room to he down

140 CARRY ONj JEEVES

After staying there for half an hour to give die coast time to
dear, I shoved a book and smoking materials in my pocket, and
climbing out of a window, shinned down a convenient water-
pipe into the garden My objective was the summer-house,
where it seemed to me that a man might put in a quiet hour or
so without interruption

It was extremely jolly in the garden The sun was shining,
the crocuses were all to the mustard and there hasn’t a sign of
Heloise Pringle anywhere The cat was fooling about on the
lawn, so I chirruped to it and it gave a low gargle and came
trotting up I had just got it in my arms and was scratching it
under the ear when there was a loud shriek from above, and there
was Aunt Jane half out of the window Dashed disturbing
“Oh, nght-ho,” I said

I dropped the cat, which galloped off mto die bushes, and
dismissing the idea of bungnlg a brick at the aged relative, went
on my way, heading for the shrubbery Once safely hidden
there, I worked round till I got to the summer-house And,
believe me, I had hardly got my first cigarette nicely undo: way
when a shadow fell on my book and there was young Sucketh-
Closer-Than-a-Brother in person
“So there you are,” she said

She seated herself by my side, and with a sort of gruesome
playfulness jerked the gasper out of the holder and heaved it
through the door

"You’re always smoking,” she said, a lot too much like a
lovingly chidingyoung bride for my comfort “I wish you wouldn’t
It’s so bad for you And you ought not to be sitting out here
without your light overcoat You want someone to look after
you”

“I’ve got Jeeves”

She frowned a bit
“I don’t like him,” she said
“Eh? Why not?”

“I doi£t know I wish you would get nd of him ”

My flesh absolutely crept And I’ll tell you why £tae of the
first things Honona Glossop had done after we had become
engaged was to tell me she didn’t like Jeeves and wanted him
shot out The realisation that this girl resembled Honona not
only in body but in blackness of soul made me go all fiunt
“What are you reading?”

WITHOUT THE OPTION I4I

She picked up my book and frowned again The thing was
one I had brought down from the old flat in London, to glance
at in the tram— a fairly zippy effort m the detective line called
“The Trail of Blood” She turned the pages with a nasty sneer

“I can’t understand you liking nonsense of this ” She

stopped suddenly “Good gracious 1 ”

“What’s the matter >”

“Do you knew Bertie Wooster?”

And then I saw that my name waft scrawled right across the
tide page, and my heart did three back-somersaults
“Oh— er — well — that is to say — well, slightly ”

“He must be a perfect horror I’m surprised that you can
make a friend of him Apart from any thing else, the man is
practically an imbecile He was engaged to my Cousin Honona
at one time, and it was broken off because he was next door to
insane You should hear my Unde Roderick talk about him 1 ”
I wasn’t keen

“Do you see much of him ?”

“A goodish bit ”

“I saw in the paper the other day that he was fined for making
a disgraceful disturbance in the street ”

“Yes, I saw that ”

She gazed at me in a foul, motherly way
“He can’t be a good influence for you,” she said “I do wish
you would drop him Will you

“Well ” I began And at this pomt old Cuthbert, the cat,

having presumably found it a bit slow by hims elf in the bushes,
wandered m with a matey expression on his face and jumped
on my lap I welcomed him with a good deal of cordiality Though
but a cat, he did make a sort of third at this party, and he affor ded
a good excuse for changing the conversation
“Jolly buds, cats,” I said
She wasn’t having any

“Will you drop Bertie Wooster ?” she said, absolutely ignoring
the cat motif
“It would be so difficult ”

“Nonsense' It only needs a little will-power The man surely
can’t be so interesting a companion as all that Unde Roderick
says he is an invertebrate waster ”

I could have mentioned a few things that I thought Unde
Roderick was, but my lips were sealed, so to speak

142 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“You have changed a great deal since we last met,” said the
Pringle disease reproachfully She bent forward and began to
scratch the cat under the other ear “Do you remember, when
we were children together, you used to say that you would do
anything for me?”

“Did I>”

“I remember once you cried because I was cross and wouldn’t
let you kiss me ”

I didn’t believe it at tile time, and I don’t believe it now
Sippy is in many ways a good deal of a chump, but surely even
at die age of ten he cannot have been such a priceless ass as
that I think the girl was lying, but that didn’t make the position
of affairs any better I edged away a couple of inches and sat
staring before me, the old brow beginning to get slightly bedewed
And then suddenly — well, you know how it is, I mean I
suppose everyone has had that ghastly feeling at one time or
another of being urged by some overwhelming force to do some
absolutely blithering act You get it every now and then when
you’re in a crowded theatre, and something seems to be e gging
you on to shout “Fire 1 ” and see what happens Or you’re talking
to someone and all at once you feel, “Now, suppose I suddenly
biffed this bird m the eye'”

Well, what I’m driving at is this, at this juncture, with her
shoulder squashing against min e and her black hair tickling my
nose, a perfectly loony impulse came sweeping over me to kiss
her

“No, really?” I croaked
“Have you forgotten ?”

She lifted the old onion and her eyes looked straight into
mine I could feel myself skidding I shut my eyes And then
from the doorway there spoke the most beautiful voice I had
ever heard in my life
“Give me that cat'”

I opened my eyes There was good old Aunt Jane, that queen
of her sex, standing before me, glaring at me as if I were a
vivisecdoEist and she had surprised me m the middle of an
experiment How this pearl among women had tracked me
down I don’t know, but there she stood, bless her dear, intelligent
old soul, like the rescue party in the last reel of a motion picture
I didn’t wait. The spell was broken and I legged it As I went,
I heard that lovely voice a gain

WITHOUT THE OPTION 143

“He shot arrows at my Tibby from a bow,” said this most
deserving and excellent octogenarian

For the next few days all was peace I saw comparatively little
of Heloise I found the strategic value of that water-pipe outside
my window beyond praise I seldom left the house now by any
other route It seemed to me that, if only the luck held like this,
I might after eM be able to stick this visit out for the full term of
the sentence a

But meanwhile, as they say in the movies

The whole family appeared to be present and correct is I
came down to the drawing-room a couple of nights later The
Prof, Mrs Prof, the two Exhibits and the girl Heloise were
scattered about at intervals The cat slept on the rug, the canary
m its cage There was nothing, m short, to indicate that this was
not just one of our ordinary evenings
“Well, weU, wen'” I said cheerily “HuUo-ullo-uno!”

I always like to make something in the nature of an entrance
speech, it seeming to me to lend a chummy tone to the pro-
ceedings

The girl Heloise looked at me reproachfuUy
“Where have you been aU day ?” she asked
“I went to my room after lunch ”

“You weren’t there at five ”

“No After putting in a speU of work on the good old colleges
I went for a stroU FeUow must have exercise if he means to
keep fit ”

“Mens sana in corpore saw observed the prof
“I shouldn’t wonder,” I said cordially
At this point, when everything was going as sweet as a nut
and I was feeling on top of my form, Mrs Pringle suddenly
socked me on the base of the skull with a sandbag Not actually,
I don’t mean No, no I speak figuratively, as it were
“Roderick is very ate,” she said

You may think it strange that the sound of that name should
have sloshed into my nerve centres like a half-brick^But, take
it from me, to a man who has had any dealings with Sir Roderick
Glossop there is only one Roderick in the world— and that is
one too many
“Roderick?” I gurgled

“My brother-in-law, Sir Roderick Glossop, comes to

144 CARRY ONj JEEVES

Cambridge to-night,” said the prof “He lectures at St Luke’s
to-morrow He is co ming here to dinn er ”

And while I stood there, feeling like the hero when he discovers
that he is trapped in the den of the Secret Nine, the door opened
“Sir Roderick Glossop,” announced the maid or some such
person, and m he came

One of the things that get this old crumb so generally disliln-4
among the better element of the community is the feet that he
has a head like the dome r of St Paul’s and eyebrows that want
bobbing or shingling to reduce them to anything like reasonable
size It is a nasty experience to see this bald and bushy hlrfrr
advancing on you when you haven’t prepared the strategic
railways m your rear

As he came mto the room I backed behind a sofa and com-
mended my soul to God I didn’t need to have my hand read
to know that trouble was coasting to me through a dark man
He didn’t spot me at first He shook hands with the prof
and wife, kissed Heloise and waggled his head at the Exhibits
“I fear I am somewhat late,” he said “A slight accident on

the road, affecting what my chauffeur termed the ”

And then he saw me lurking on the outskirts and gave a
startled grunt, as if I hurt him a good deal internally

“This ” began the prof waving in my direction

“I am already acquainted with Mr Wooster ”

“This,” went on the prof, “is Miss Sipperley’s nephew,
Oliver You remember Miss Sipperley?”

“What do you mean?” barked Sir Roderick Having had so
much to do with loonies has given him a rather sharp and
authoritative manne r on occasion “This is that wretched young
man, Bertram Wooster What is all this nonsense about Olivers
and Sipperleys ?”

The prof was eyeing me with some natural surprise So were
the others I beamed a bit weakly

“Well, as a matter of fact ” I said

The prof was wrestling with the situation You could hear his
brain buzzing

“He said he was Oliver Sipperley,” he moaned 1
“Come here 1 ” bellowed Sir Roderick “Am I to understand
that you have inflicted yourself on the household under the
pretence of being the nephew of an old friend ?”

It seemed a pretty accurate description of the facts

WITHOUT THE OPTION 145

“Well— er— yes,” I said

Sir Roderick shot an eye at me It entered the body somewhere
about the top stud, roamed around mside for a bit and went
out at the back

“Insane 1 Quite insane, as I knew from the first moment I
saw him”

“What did he say asked Aunt Jane
“Roderick says this young man is insane,” roared the prof
“Ah'” said Aunt Jane, nodding rt I thought so He climb s
down water-pipes ”

“Does what?”

“I’ve seal him — ah, many a time ! ”

Sir Roderick snorted violently

“He ought to be under proper restraint It is abominable that
a person in his mental condition should be permitted to roam
die world at large The next stage may quite easily be homicidal ”
It seemed to me that, even at the expense of giving old Sippy
away, I must be cleared of this frightful charge After all, Sippy’s
number was up anyway

“Let me explain,” I said “Sippy asked me to come here ”
“What do you mean 5 ”

“He couldn’t come himself, because he was jugged for biffing
a cop on Boat-Race Night ”

Well, it wasn’t easy to make them get the hang of the story,
and even when I’d done it it didn’t seem to make them any
chummier towards me A certain coldness about expresses it,
and when dinner was announced I counted myself out and pushed
off rapidly to my room I could have done with a bit of dinner,
but the atmosphere didn’t seem just right
“Jeeves,” I said, having shot in and pressed the bell, “we’re
sunk”

“Sir?”

“Hell’s foundations are quivering and the game is up ”

He listened attentively

■“The contingency was one always to have been anticipated as
a possibility, sir It only remains to take the obvious sffep ”
“What’S* that?”

“Go and see Miss Sipperley, sir ”

“What on earth for ?”

“I think it would be judicious to apprise her of the facts
yourself, sir, instead of allowing her to hear of them through

146 CARRY ON, JEEVES

the medium of a letter from Professor Pringle That is to say,
if you are still anxious to do all in your power to assist Mr
Sipperley ”

“I can’t let Sippy down If you think it’s any good ”

“We can but try it, sir I have an idea, sir, that we may find
Miss Sipperley disposed to look leniently upon Mr Sipperley’s
misdemeanour ”

“What makes you dunk that?”

“It is just a feeling thaf I have, sir ”

“Well, if you think it would be worth trying How do we

get there >”

“The distance is about a hundred and fifty miles, sir Our best
plan would be to hue a car ”

“Get it at once,” I said

The idea of being a hundred and fifty miles away from Heloise
Pringle, not to menuon AuSat Jane and Sir Roderick Glossop,
sounded about as good to me as anything I had ever heard

The Paddock, Beckley-on-the-Moor, was about a couple of
parasangs from the village, and I set out for it next morning,
after partaking of a hearty breakfast at the local inn, practically
without a tremor I suppose when a fellow has been through
it as I had in the last two weeks his system becomes hardened
After all, I felt, whatever this aunt of Sippy’s might be like, she
wasn’t Sir Roderick Glossop, so I was that much on velvet from
the start

The Paddock was one of those medium-sized houses with a
goodish bit of very tidy garden and a carefully rolled gravel
drive curving past a shrubbery that looked as if it had just come
back from the dry cleaner— the sort of house you take one look
at and say to yourself, “Somebody’s aunt lives there ” I pushed
up on the drive, and as I turned the bend I observed in the middle
distance a woman messmg about by a flower-bed with a trowel
in her hand If this wasn’t the female I was after, I was very much
mistaken, so I halted, cleared the throat and gave tongue

“Miss"Sipperley ?”

She had had her back to me, and at the sound of my voice
she executed a sort of leap or bound, not unlike a barefoot
(fencer who steps on a tm-tack halfway through the Vision of
Salome She came to earth and goggled at me in a rather goofy
manner. A large, stout female with a reddish free

147

WITHOUT THE OPTION
“Hope I didn’t startle you,” I said
“Who are you

“My name’s Wooster I’m a pal of your nephew, Oliver ”
Her breathing had become more regular
“Oh?” she said “When I heard your voice I thought you
were someone else ”

“No, that’s who I am I came up here to tell you about Oliver ”
“What aboutium?”

I hesitated Now that we were app?oadhmg what you might
call the hub, or crus, of the situation, a good deal of my breezy
confidence seemed to have slipped from me
“Well, it’s rather a painful tale, I must warn you ”

“Oliver isn’t ill? He hasn’t had an accident?”

She spoke anxiously, and I was pleased at this evidence of
human feeling I decided to shoot the works with no more delay
“Oh, no, he isn’t ill,” I said, “and'as regards having accidents,
it depends on what you call an accident He’s in chokey ”

“In what?”

“In prison ”

“In prison 1 ”

“It was entirely my fault We were strolling along on Boat-
Race Night and I advised him to pinch a policeman's helmet ”

“I don’t understand ”

“Well, he seemed depressed, don’t you know, and rightly or
wrongly, I thought it might cheer him up if he stepped across
the street and collared a policeman’s helmet He thought it a
good idea, too, so he started domg it, and the man made a fuss
and Oliver sloshed him ”

“Sloshed him?”

“Biffed him — smote him a blow — in the stomach ”

“My nephew Oliver hit a policeman in the stomach?”
“Absolutely m the stomach And next m orning the beak sent
him to the bastille for thirty days without the option ”

I was looking at her a bit anxiously all this while to see how
she was taking the thing, and at this moment her face seemed
suddenly to split m half. For an instant she appeared^® be all
mouth, and then she was staggering about the grass, shouting
with laughter and waving the trowel madly
It seemed to me a bit of luck for her that Sir Roderick Glossop
wasn’t on the spot He would have been sitting on her head and
calling for the strait-waistcoat in the first half-minute

148 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“You aren’t annoyed ?” I said

“Annoyed?” She chuckled happily “I’ve never heard such a
splendid thing in my life ”

I was pleased and relieved I had hoped the news wouldn’t
upset her too much, but I had never expected it to go with such a
roar as this

“I’m proud of him,” she said
“That’s fine”

“If every young man in England went about hitting police-
men in the stomach, it would be a better country to live in ”

I couldn’t follow her reasoning, but everything seemed to be
all right, so after a few more cheery words I said good-bye and
■ legged it

“Jeeves,” I said when I got back to the inn, “everything’s fine
But I am far from understanding why ”

“What actually occurreS when you met Miss Sipperley,
sir?”

“I told her Sippy was in the jug for assaulting the police
Upon which she burst into hearty laughter, waved her trowel
m a pleased manner and said she was proud of him ”

“I think I can explain her apparently eccentric behaviour, sir
I am informed that Miss Sipperley has had a good deal of
annoyance at the hands of the local constable during the past
two weeks This has doubtless resulted in a prejudice on her part
against the force as a whole ”

“Really > How was that ?”

“The constable has been somewhat over-zealous in the
performance of his duties, sir On no fewer than three occasions
in thelast ten days he has served summonses upon Miss Sipperley
—for exceeding the speed limit in her car, for allowing her dog
to appear in public without a collar, and for failing to abate a
smoky chimney Being in the nature of an autocrat, if I may
use the term, in the village, Miss Sipperley has been accustomed
to do these things in the past with impunity, and the constable’s
unexpected zeal has made her somewhat ill-disposed to police-
men as It class and consequently disposed to look upon such
assaults as Mr Sipperley’s in a kindly and broadmnfded spirit ”
I saw his point

“What an amazing bit of luck, Jeeves’”

“Yes, sir”

“Where did you hear all this ?”

WITHOUT THE OPTION 149

“My informant was the constable himself, sir He is my cousin ”
I gaped at the man I saw, so to speak, all
“Good Lord, Jeeves 1 You didn’t bribe him ?”

“Oh, no, sir But it was his birthday last week, and I give him
a little present I have always been fond of Egbert, sir ”

“How much?”

“A matter of five pounds, sir ”

I felt in my 'pbcket

“Hare you are,” I said “And another fiver for luck ”
“Thank you very much, sir ”

“Jeeves,” I said, “you move in a mysterious way your wonders
to perform You don’t mind if I sing a bit, do you ?”

“Not at all, sir,” said Jeeves

★ 8 *

Fixing it for Freddie

“ teeves,” I said, looking in on him one afternoon on my return
J from the dub, “I don’t want to interrupt you ”

“No, sir?”

“But I would like a word with you ”

“Yes, sir?”

He had been packmg a few of the Wooster necessaries in the
old kit-bag against our approaching visit to the seaside, and he
now rose and stood bursting with courteous zeal
“Jeeves,” I said, “a somewhat disturbing situatton has arisen
with regard to a pal of mine ”

“Indeed, sir?”

“You know Mr Bullivant?”

“Yes, sir ”

“Well, I slid into the Drones this morning for a bite of lunch,
and found him in a dark comer of the smoking-room looking
like the last rose of summer Naturally I was surprised You
know what a bright lad he is as a rule The life and soul of every
gathering he attends ”

“Yes, sir”

“Quite the little lump of fun, in fact ”

“lYecisely, sir ”

“Well, I made inquiries, and he told me that he had had a
quarrel with the girl he’s engaged to You knew he was engaged
to Miss Elizabeth Vickers ?”

“Yes, sir I recall reading the announcement in the Morning
Post”

“Well, he isn’t any longer What the row was about he didn’t
say, but the broad frets, Jeeves, are that she has scratched the
fixture She won’t let him come near her, refuses to |alk on the
phone, and sends back his letters unopened ”

“Extremely trying, sir ”

“We ought to do something, Jeeves But what?”

“It is somewhat difficult to make a suggestion, sir ”

“Well, what I’m going to do for a start is to take him down

150

FIXING IT FOR FREDDIE 151

to Mams Bay with me I know these birds who have been handed
their hat by the girl of their dreams, Jeeves What they want is
complete change of scene ”

“There is much in what you say, sir ”

“Yes Change of scene is the thing I heard of a man Girl
refused him Man went abroad Two months later girl wired him
‘Come back, Muriel ’ Man started to write out a reply, suddenly
found that he*' couldn’t remember purl’s surname, so never
answered at all, and lived happily ever after It may well be,
Jeeves, that after Freddie Bullivant has had a few weeks of
Alarm Bay he will get completely over it ”

“Very possibly, sir ”

“And, if not, it is quite likely that, refreshed by sea air and
good simple food, you will get a brainwave and think up some
scheme for bringing these two misguided blighters together
again”

“I will do my best, sir ”

“I knew it, Jeeves, I knew it Don’t forget to put in plenty of
socks ”

“No, sir”

“Also of tennis shuts not a few ”

“Very good, sir ”

I left him to his packing, and a couple of days later we started
off for Mams Bay, where I had taken a cottage for July and
August

I don’t know if you know Mams Bay? It’s in Dorsetshire,
and, while not what you would call a fiercely exciting spot,
has many good points You spend the day there bathing and
sitting on die sands, and in the evening you stroll out on the
shore with the mosquitoes At nine p m you rub ointment on
the wounds and go to bed It was a simple, healthy life, and
it seemed to suit poor old Freddie absolutely Once the moon
was up and the breeze sighing in the trees, you couldn’t drag
him from that beach with ropes He became quite a popular
pet with the mosquitoes They would hang round waiting for
him to coipe out, and would give a miss to perfectly goftd strollers
just so as to be in good condition for him
It was during the day that I found Freddie, poor old chap, a
trifle heavy as a guest I suppose you can’t blame a bloke whose
heart is broken, but it required a good deal of fortitude to bear
up against this gloom-crushed exhibit during the early days of

152 CARRY ON, JEEVES

our little holiday When he wasn’t chewing a pipe and scowling
at the carpet, he was sitting at the piano, playing “The Rosary”
with one finger He couldn’t play anything except “The Rosary”,
and he couldn’t play much of that However firmly and con-
fidently he started off, somewhere around the third bar a fuse
would blow out and he would have to start all over again
He was playing it as usual one morning when I came m
from bathing and it seemed to me that he was Extracting more
hideous melancholy from it even than usual Nor had my senses
deceived me

“Berne,” he said in a hollow voice, skidding on the fourth
crotchet from the left as you enter the second bar and producing
a distressing sound like the death-rattle of a sand-eel, “I’ve
seen her'”

“Seen her?” I said “Wtat, Elizabeth Vickers? How do you
mean, you’ve seen her 5 She isn’t down here ”

“Yes, she is I suppose she’s staying with relattons or some-
thing I was down at the post office, seeing if there were any
letters, and we met in the doorway ”

“What happened
“She cut me dead ”

He started “The Rosary” again, and stubbed his finger on a
semi-quaver

“Bertie,” he said, “you ought never to have brought me here
I must go away ”

“Go away ? Don’t talk such rot This is the best thing that
could have happened It’s a most amazing bit of luck, her being
down here. This is where you come out strong ”

“She cut me ”

“Never mind Be a sportsman Have another dash at her ”
“She looked clean through me ”

“Well, don’t mind that Stick at it Now, having got her down
here, what you want,” I said, “is to place her under some ob-
ligation to you What you want is to get her timidly thanking

you What you want ■”

“What*? she going to thank me timidly for?”

I thought fin a while Undoubtedly he had putlus finger
on the hub of the problem. For some moments I was at a loss,
not to say nonplussed Then I saw the way
“What you want,” I said, “is to look out for a chance and save
her from drowning ”

FIXING IT FOR FREDDIE 153

“I can’t swim ”

That was Freddie Bulhvant all over A dear old chap in a
thousand ways, but no help to a fellow, if you know what I mean

He cranked up the piano once more, and I legged it for the
open

I strolled out on the beach and began to think this thing over
I would have liked to consult Jeeves, of course, but Jeeves had
disappeared for* the morning There lyas no doubt that it was
hopeless expecting Freddie to do anything for himself in this
crisis I’m not saying that dear old Freddie hasn’t got his strong
qualities He is good at polo, and I have heard him spoken of
as a coming man at snooker-pool But apart from this you
couldn’t call him a man of enterprise

Well, I was rounding some rocks, thinking pretty tensely,
when I caught sight of a blue dress, and there was die girl in
person I had never met her, but Freddie had sixteen photographs
of her sprinkled round his bedroom, and I knew I couldn’t be
mistaken She was sitting on the sand, helping a small, fat child
to build a castle On a chair dose by was an elderly female reading
a novel I heard the girl call her “aunt” So, getting the reasoning
faculues to work, I deduced that the fat child must be her cousin
It struck me that if Freddie had been there he would probably
have tried to work up some sentiment about the kid on the
strength of it I couldn’t manage this I don’t think I ever saw a
kid who made me feel less sentimental He was one of those
round, bulging kids

After he had finished his castle he seemed to get bored with
life and began to cry The girl, who seemed to read him like a
book, took him oft to where a fellow was selling sweets at a
stall And I walked on

Now, those who know me, if you ask them, will tell you that
I’m a chump My Aunt Agatha would testify to this effect So
would my Unde Percy and many more of my nearest and— if
you like to use the expression — dearest Well, I don’t mind I
admit it I am a chump But what I do say— and I should like to lay
the greatest possible stress on this — is that every now*and then,
just when the populace has given up hope that I will ever show
any real human intelligence — I get what it is idle to pretend is
not an inspiration And that’s what happened now I doubt if
the idea that came to me at this juncture would have occurred
to a single one of any dozen of the largest-brained blokes in

154 CARRY ON, JEEVES

history Napoleon might have got it, but I’ll bet Darwin and
Shakespeare and Thomas Hardy wouldn’t have thought of it in a
thousand years

It came to me on my return journey I was walking back
along the shore, exercising the old bean fiercely, when I saw
the fat child meditatively smacking a jelly-fish with a spade
The girl wasn’t with him The aunt wasn’t with him In fact,
there wasn’t anybody ejge in sight And fhe*solunon of the
whole trouble between Freddie and his Elizabeth suddenly came
to me m a flash

From what I had seen of the two, the girl was evidently fond
of this kid and, anyhow, he was her cousin, so what I said to
myself was this If I kidnap this young heavyweight for a brief
space of time and if, when the girl has got frightfully anxious
about where he can have got to, dear old Freddie suddenly
appears leading the infant by the hand and telling a story to
the effect that he found him wandering at large about the country
and practically saved his life, the girl’s gratitude is bound to
make her chuck hostilities and be friends again
So I gathered up the kid and made off with him
Freddie, dear old chap, was rather slow at first in getting on
to the fine points of the idea When I appeared at the cottage,
carrying the child, and dumped him down in the sitting-room,
he showed no joy whatever The child had started to bellow by
this time, not thinking much of the thing, and Freddie seemed
to find it rather trying

“What the devil’s all this?” he asked, regarding the little
visitor with a good deal of loathing
The kid loosed off a yell that made the windows rattle, and
I saw that this was a time for strategy I raced to the kitchen and
fetched a pot of honey It was the nght idea The kid stopped
bellowing and began to smear his face with the stuff
“Well?” said Freddie, when silence had set in
I explained the scheme After a while it began to stake him
The careworn look faded from his face, and for the first time
since his arrival at Marvis Bay he smiled almost happgy
“There’s something in this, Bertie ”

“It’s the goods ”

“I think it will work,” said Freddie

And, disentangling the child from the honey, he led him out
“I expect Elizabeth will be on the beach somewhere,” he said

FIXING IT FOR FREDDIE 155

What you might call a quiet happiness suffused me, if that’s
the word I want I was very fond of old Freddie, and it was jolly
to think that he was shortly about to click once more I was
leaning back in a chair on the veranda, smoking a peaceful
cigarette, when down the road I saw the old boy returning, and,
by George, the kid was still with him
“Hallo*” I said “Couldn’t you find her?”

I then perceived that Freddie was looking as if he had been
kicked in the stomach

“Yes, I found her,” he rephed, with one of those bitter,
mirthless laughs you read about

“Well, then ?”

He sank into a chair and groaned

“This isn’t her cousin, you idiot,” he said “He’s no relation
at all — just a kid she met on the beaqh She had never seen him
before in her life ”

“But she was helping him build a sand-castle ”

“I don’t care He’s a perfect stranger ”

It seemed to me that, if the modem girl goes about building
sand-castles with kids she has only known for five minutes
and probably without a proper introduction at that, then all
that has been written about her is perfectly true Brazen is the
word that seems to meet the case
I said as much to Freddie, but he wasn’t listening
“Well, who is this ghastly child, then ?” I said
“I don’t know O Lord, I’ve had a tune* Thank goodness you
will probably spend the next few years of your life m Dartmoor
for kidnapping That’s my only consolation 1*11 come and jeer
at you through the bars on visiting days ”

“Tell me all, old man,” I said

He told me all It took him a good long tune to do it, for he
broke off in the middle of nearly every sentence to call me names,
but I gradually gathered what had happened The girl Elizabeth
had listened lie an iceberg while he worked off the story he had
prepared, and then — well, she didn’t actually call him a liar m so
many words, but she gave him to understand in a gdheral sort
of way that he was a worm and an outcast And then he crawled
off with the kid, licked to a splinter
“And mind,” he concluded, “this is your affair I’m not mixed
up in it at all If you want to escape your sentence — or anyway
get a portion of it remitted —you’d better go and find the child’s

156 CARRY ON, JEEVES

parents and return him before the police come for you”
“Who are his parents ?”

“I don’t know”

“Where do they live?”

“I don’t know”

The kid didn’t seem to know, either A thoroughly vapid
and uninf ormed infant I got out of him the fact that he had a
father, but that was as fa£ as he went It didn’t Seem ever to have
occurred to him, chatting of an evening with the old man, to
ask him his name and address So, after a wasted ten minutes,
out we went mto the great world, more or less what you might
call at random

I give you my word that, until I started to tramp the place
with this child, I never had a notion that it was such a difficult
job restoring a son to hi^ parents How kidnappers ever get
caught is a mystery to me I searched Mams Bay like a blood-
hound, but nobody came forward to claim the infant You would
have thought, from the lack of interest in him, that he was
stopping there all by himself in a cottage of his own It wasn’t
till, by another inspiration, I thought to ask the sweet-stall man
that I got on the track The sweet-stall man, who seemed to have
seen a lot of him, said that the child’s name was Kegworthy, and
that his parents lived at a place called Ocean Rest
It then remained to find Ocean Rest And eventually, after
visiting Ocean View, Ocean Prospect, Ocean Breeze, Ocean
Cottage, Ocean Bungalow, Ocean Nook and Ocean Homestead,
I trailed it down

I knocked at the door Nobody answered I knocked again I
could hear movements inside, but nobody appeared I was just
going to get to work with that knocker in such a way that it would
filter through these people’s heads that I wasn’t standing there
just for the fun of the thing, when a voice from somewhere above
shouted “Hi'”

I looked up and saw a round, pink face, with grey whiskers
east and west of it, staring down at me from an upper window
“Hi 1 ” ft shouted again "You can’t come in ”

“I don’t want to come in ”

“Because Oh, is that Tootles?”

“My name is not Tootles Are you Mr Kegworthy? I’ve
brought back your son ”

“I see him Peep-bo, Tootles, Dadda can see ’oo ”

FIXING IT FOR FREDDIE 157

The face disappeared with a jerk I could hear voices The face
reappeared
“Hi'”

I churned the gravel madly This blighter was giving me the

pip

“Do you live here?” asked the face

“I have taken a cottage here for a few weeks ”

“What’s your name 5 ”

“Wooster ”

“Fancy 1 Do you spell it W-o-r-c-e-s-t-e-r or W-o-o-s-t-e-r ?”
“W oo ”

“I ask because I once knew a Miss Wooster, spelled W-o-o ”

I had had about enough of this spelling-bee
“Will you open the door and take this child in ?”

'“I mustn’t open the door This Miss Wooster that I knew
married a man named Spenser Was she any relation ?”

“She is my Aunt Agatha,” I replied, and I spoke with a good
deal of bitterness, trying to suggest by my manner that he was
exactly the sort of man, in my opinion, who would know my
Aunt Agatha
He beamed down at me

“This is most fortunate We were wondering what to do with
Tootles You see, we have mumps here My daughter Booties
has just developed mumps Tootles must not be exposed to the
risk of infection We could not think what to do with him It was
most fortunate, your finding the dear child He strayed from his
nurse I would hesitate to trust him to a stranger, but you are
different Any nephew of Mrs Spenser’s has my complete con-
fidence You must take Tootles into your house It will be an
ideal arrangement I have written to my brother in London to
come and fetch him He may be here m a few days ”

“May 1 ”

“He is a busy man, of course, but he should certainly be here
within a week Till then Tootles can stop with you It is an ex-
cellent plan Very much obliged to you Your wife will like
Tootles”

“I havetft got a wife’” I yelled, but the window had closed
with a bang, as if the man with the whiskers had found a germ
trying to escape and had headed it off just in time
I breathed a deep breath and wiped the old forehead
The window flew up again

CARRY ON, JEEVES

I 5 8

“Hi

A package weighing about a ton hit me on the head and burst
like a bomb

“Did you catch it ?” said the face, reappearing “Dear me, you
missed it Never mind You can get it at the grocer’s Ask for
Bailey’s Granulated Breakfast Chips Tootles takes them for
breakfast with a little milk Not cream Milk Be sure to get
Bailey’s”

“Yes, but ”

The face disappeared, and the window was banged down a gain
I lingered a while, but nothing else happened, so, taking Tootles
by the hand, I walked slowly away

And as we turned up the road we met Freddie’s Elizabeth

“Well, baby?” she said, sighting the kid “So daddy found
you again, did he 5 Your liftle son and I made great friends on
the beach this morning,” she said to me

This was the limit Coming on top of that interview with the
whiskered lunatic, it so utterly unnerved me that she had nodded
good-bye and was half-way down the road before I caught up
with my breath enough to deny the charge of being the infant’s
father

I hadn’t expected Freddie to sing with joy when he saw me
looming up with child complete, but I did think he might have
showed a little more manly fortitude, a little more of the old
British bull-dog spirit He leaped up when we came in, glared
at the kid and clutched his head He didn’t speak for a long time,
but, to make up for it, when he began he did not leave off for
a long time

"Well,” he said, when he had finished the body of his remarks,
“say something 1 Heavens, man, why don’t you say something 5 ”

“If you’ll give me a chance, I will,” I said, and shot the bad
news

“What are you gomg to do about it ?” he asked And it would
be idle to deny that his manner was peevish

“What lan we do about it?”

“We? What do you mean, we? I’m not going to spend my
tune taking turns as a nursemaid to this excrescence I’m gomg
back to London”

“Freddie!” I cried “Freddie, old man!” My voice shook
“Would you desert a pal at a time like this ?’

159

. FIXING IT FOR FREDDIE

“Yes, I would ”

“Freddie” I said, “you’ve got to stand by me You must
Do you realise that this child has to be undressed, and bathed,
and dressed again? You wouldn’t leave me to do all that single-
handed?”

“Jeeves can help you ”

“No, sir,” said Jeeves, who had just rolled in with lunch,
“I must, I fear, ^dissociate myself completely from the matter ”
He spoke respectfully but firmly “I have had little or no experi-
ence with children ”

“Now’s the time to start,” I urged

“No, sir, I am sorry to say that I cannot involve myself in
any way ”

“Then you must stand by me, Freddie ”

“I won’t”

“You must Reflect, old man 1 We have been pals for years
Your mother likes me ”

“No, she doesn’t ”

“Well, anyway, we were at school together and you owe me a
tenner ”

“Oh, well,” he said m a resigned sort of voice

“Besides, old thing,” I said, “I did it all for your sake, you
know ”

He looked at me in a curious way, and breathed rather hard
for some moments

“Bertie,” he said, “one moment I will stand a good deal, but
I will not stand being expected to be grateful ”

Looking back at it, I can see that what saved me from Colney
Hatch in tins crisis was my bright idea in buying up most of the
contents of the local sweet-shop By serving out sweets to the kid
practically incessantly we managed to get thro ugh the rest of
that day pretty satisfactorily At eight o’clock he fell asleep in a
chan, and, having undressed him by unbuttoning every button
in sight and, where there were no buttons, pulling till something
give, we earned him up to bed

Freddie stood looking at tiie pile of clothes on the noor with a
sort of careworn wrinkle between his eyes, and I knew what he
was thinking To get the kid undressed had been simple — a
mere matter of muscle But how were we to get him into his
clothes again? I stirred the heap with my foot. There was a

160 CARRY ON, JEEVES

long linen arrangement which might have been anything Also
a strip of pink flannel which was like nothing on earth Alt most
unpleasant

But in the morning I remembered that there were children in
the next bungalow but one, and I went there before breakfast
and borrowed their nurse Women are wonderful, by Jove they
are' This nurse had all the spare parts assembled and in die right
places in about eight nynutes, and there was* the kid dressed
and looking fit to go to a garden party at Buckingham Palace I
showered wealth upon her, and she promised to come in morning
and evening I sat down to breakfast almost cheerful again It
was the first bit of silver lining that had presented itself to date

“And, after all,” I said, “there’s lots to be argued in favour of
having a child about the place, if you know what I mean Kind
of cosy and domestic, what 5 ”

Just then the kid upset the milk over Freddie’s trousers,
and when he had come back after changing he lacked
sparkle

It was shortly after breakfast that Jeeves asked if he could have
a word in my ear

Now, though m the anguish of recent events I had rather
tended to forget what had been the original idea in bringing
Freddie down to this place, I hadn’t forgotten it altogether, and
I’m bound to say that, as the days went by, I had found myself a
little disappointed in Jeeves The scheme had been, if you recall,
that he should refresh himself with sea-air and simple food and,
having thus got his brain into prime working order, evolve
some means of bringing Freddie and his Elizabeth together
again

And what had happened? The man had eaten well and he
had slept well, but not a step did he appear to have taken towards
bringing about the happy ending The only move that had been
made in that direction had been made by me, alone and unaided,
and, though I freely admit that it had turned out a good deal of
a bloomed still the fret remains that I had shown zed and enter-
prise Consequently I received him with a bit of hauteur when he
blew in Slightly cold A trifle frosty

“Yes, Jeeves?” I said “You wished to speak to me?”

“Yes, sir ”

“Say on, Jeeves,” I said

FIXING IT FOR FREDDIE l6l

“Thank you, sir What I desired to say, sir, was this I attended
a performance at the local cinema last night ”

I raised the eyebrows I was surprised at the man With life
m the home so frightfully tense and the young master up against
it to such a fearful extent, I disapproved of him coming toddling
in and prattling about his amusements
“I hope you eqjoyed yourself,” I said in rather a nasty manner
“Yes, sir, thank you The management was presenting a super-
super-film in seven reels, dealing with life in the wilder and more
feverish strata of New York Society, featuring Bertha Blevitch,
Orlando Murphy and Baby Bobbie I found it most entertaining,
sir”

“That’s good,” I said “And if you have a nice time this
morning on the sands with your spade and bucket, you will
come and tdl me all about it, won’t you* I have so little on
my mind just now that it’s a treat to hear all about your happy
hohday ”

Satirical, if you see what I mean Sarcastic Almost bitter,
as a matter of fact, if you come right down to it
“The title of the film was ‘Tiny Hands’, sir And the father
and mother of the character played by Baby Bobbie had un-
fortunately drifted apart ”

“Too bad,” I said

“Although at heart they loved each other stall, sir ”

“Did they really? I’m glad you told me that ”

“And so matters went on, sir, till came a day when ■”

“Jeeves,” I said, fixing him with a dashed unpleasant eye,
“what the dickens do you think you’re talking about * Do you
suppose that, with this infernal child landed on me and the
peace of the home practically shattered into a million bits, I
want to hear ”

“I beg your pardon, sir I would not have mentioned this
cinema performance were it not for the fact that it gave me an
idea, sir”

“An idea 1 ”

“An idea that will, I fancy, sir, prove of value in straightening
out the matrimonial future of Mr Bullivant To which end, if

you recollect, sir, you desired me to ”

I snorted with remorse
“Jeeves,” I said, “I wronged you ”

“Not at all, sir ”

I&l CARRY ON, JEEVES

“Yes, I did I wronged you I had a notion that you had given
yourself up entirely to the pleasures of the seaside and had
chucked that business altogether I might have known better
Tell me all, Jeeves ”

He bowed in a gratified manner I beamed And, while we
didn’t actually fall on each other’s necks, we gave each other to
understand that all was well once more m
“In this super-superifilm, ‘Tiny Hands’, sir,” said Jeeves,
“the parents of the child had, as I say, drifted apart ”

“Drifted apart,” I said, nodding “Right t And then?”

“Came a day, sir, when their little child brought them together
again”

“How?”

“If I remember rightly, sir, he said, ‘Dadda, doesn’t ’oo love
mummie no more?’ ”

“And then?”

“They exhibited a good deal of emotion There was what I
believe is termed a cut-back, showing scenes from their courtship
and early married life and some glimpses of Lovers Through the
Ages, and the picture concluded with a close-up of the pair in
an embrace, with the child looking on with natural gratification
and an organ playing ‘Hearts and Flowers’ in the distance ”
“Proceed, Jeeves,” I said "You interest me strangely I

begin to grasp the idea You mean ?”

“I mean, sir, that, with this young gentleman on the premises,
it might be possible to arrange a denouement of a somewhat
similar nature in regard to Mr Bulhvant and Miss Vickers ”
“Aren’t you overlooking the fact that this kid is no relation
of Mr Bulhvant or Miss Vickers ?”

“Even with that handicap, sir, I fancy that good results might
ensue I think that, if it were possible to bring Mr Bulhvant
and Miss Vickers together for a short space of time in the presence
of the child, sir, and if the child were to say something of a
touching nature ”

“I follow you absolutely, Jeeves,” I cried with enthusiasm
“IPs big This is the way I see it We lay the scene w this room
Child, centre Girl, 1 c. Freddie up stage, playing the piano No,
that won’t do He can only play a little of ‘The Rosary* with one
finger, so we’ll have to cut out the soft music But the rest’s all
right. Look here,” I said “This inkpot is Miss Vickers This
mug with ‘A Present from Mams Bay 5 on it is the child This

FIXING IT FOR FREDDIE 163

penwiper is Mr Bullivant Start with dialogue leading up to
child’s lme Child speaks line, let us say, ‘Boofer lady, does
’oolovedadda?’ Business of outstretched hands Hold pictures
for a moment Freddie crosses 1 takes girl’s hand Business of
swallowing lump in throat Then big speech' ‘Ah, Elizabeth,
has not this misunderstanding of ours gone on too long? See'
A little child rebukes us 1 ’ And so on I’m just giving you the
general outline Freddie must work up his own part And we
must get a good line for the child ‘Boofer lady, does ’00 love
dadda^ isn’t definite enough We want something more ”

“If I might make the suggestion, sir ?”

“Yes?”

“I would advocate the words ‘Kiss Freddie 1 ’ It is short,
readily memorised, and has what I believe is technically termed
the punch”

“GeniuS, Jeeves'”

“Thank you very much, sir ”

“ ‘Kiss Freddie 1 ’ it is, then But, I say, Jeeves, how the deuce
are we to get them together in here ? Miss Vickers cuts Mr
Bullivant She wouldn’t come within a mile of him ”

“It is awkward, sir ”

“It doesn’t matter We shall have to make it an extenor set
instead of an intenor We can easily comer her on the beach
somewhere, when we’re ready Meanwhile, we must get the kid
word-perfect ”

“Yes, sir”

“Right' Fust rehearsal for lines and business at eleven sharp
to-morrow morning ”

Poor old Freddie was m such a gloomy frame of mind that I
decided not to tell him the idea till we had finished coaching the
child He wasn’t m the mood to have a thing like that hanging
over him So we concentrated on Tootles And pretty early in
the proceedings we saw that the only way to get Tootles worked up
to the spint of the thing was to introduce sweets of soqje sort as
a sub-mouvfc so to speak

“The chief difficulty, sir,” said Jeeves, at the end of the
first rehearsal, “is, as I envisage it, to establish in the young
gentleman’s mind a connection between the words we desire
him to say and the refreshment ”

“Exactly,” I said “Once the blighter has grasped the basic

164 CARRY ON, JEEVES

feet that those two words, clearly spoken, result automatically
in chocolate nougat, we have got a success ”

I’ve often thought how interesting it must be to be one of those
animal-trainer blokes — to stimulate the dawning intelligence
and all that Well, this was every bit as exciting Some days
success seemed to be staring us in the eyebalj, and the kid got
out the line as if he hadsbeen an old professional And then he
would go all to pieces again And tame was flying
“We must hurry up, Jeeves,” I said “The kid’s uncle may
arrive any day now and take him away ”

“Exactly, sir ”

“And we have no understudy ”

“Very true, sir ”

“We must work 1 1 must say this child is a bit discouraging at
tames I should have thought a deaf-mute would have learned his
part by now ”

I will say this for the kid, though he was a trier Failure didn’t
damp him Whenever there was any kind of sweet in sight he
had a dash at his line, and kept saying something till he had got
what he was after His chief fault was his uncertainty Personally, I
would have been prepared to risk opening in the act and was
ready to start the public performance at the first opportunity,
but Jeeves said no

“I would not advocate undue haste, sir,” he said “As long as
the young gentleman’s memory refuses to act with any certainty,
we are r unning grave risks of failure To-day, if you recollect,
sir, he said ‘Kick Freddie!’ That is not a speech to wm a young
lady’s heart, sir ”

“No And she might do it, too You’re right We must postpone
production ”

But, by Jove, we didn’t 1 The curtain went up the very next
afternoon.

It was, nobody’s fault — certainly not mine It was just fete
Jeeves was out, and I was alone in the house withJFreddie and
the child Freddie had just settled down at the piano, and I
was leading the kid out of the place for a bit of exorcise, when,
just as we’d got on to the veranda, along came the girl Elizabeth
on her way to the beach And at the sight of her the kid set up a
matey yell, and she stopped at the foot of ihe steps

FIXING IT FOR FREDDIE 165

“Hallo, baby,” she said “Good morning,” she said to me
“May I come up 5 ”

She didn’t wait for an answer She just hopped on to the
veranda She seemed to be that sort of girl She started fussing
over the child And six feet away, mind you, Freddie smiting the
piano in the sitting-room It was a dashed disturbing situation,
take it from Bertram At any minute Freddie might take it into
his head to come out on the veranda, and I hadn’t even begun to
rehearse him in his part
I tried to break up the scene
“We were just gomg down to the beach,” I said
“Yes ?” said the girl She listened for a moment “So you’re
having your piano tuned 5 ” she said “My aunt has been trying
to find a tuner for ours Do you min d if I go in and tell this man
to come on to us when he has finished here ?”

I mopped the brow

“Er— I shouldn’t go in just now,” I said “Not just now, while
he’s working, if you don’t mind These fellows can’t bear to be
disturbed when they’re at work It’s the artistic temperament
I’ll tell him later ”

“Very well Ask him to call at Pine Bungalow Vickers is the
name Oh, he seems to have stopped I suppose he will be
out in a minute now I’ll wait ”

“Don’t you think— shouldn’t you be getting on to the beach ?”
I said

She had started talking to the kid and didn’t hear She was
feeling in her bag for something
“The beach,” I babbled

“See what I’ve got for you, baby,” said the girl "I thought
I might meet you somewhere, so I bought some of your favourite
sweets ”

And, by Jove, she held up in front of the kid’s bulging eyes a
chunk of toffee about the size of the Albert Memorial 1
That finished it We had just been having a long rehearsal,
and the kid was all worked up m his part He got it right first
time , —

“Kiss Fweddiel” he shouted

And the French windows opened and Freddie came out on
to the veranda, for all the world as if he had been taking a
cue

“Kiss Fwedche 1 ” shrieked the child

l66 CARRY ON, JEEVES

Freddie looked at the girl, and the girl looked at him I looked
at the ground, and the kid looked at the toffee
“Kiss Fweddie 1 ” he yelled “Kiss Fweddie 1 ”

“What does this mean ?” said the girl, turning on me
“You’d better give it him,” I said “He’ll go on till you do,
you know”

She gave the kid the toffee and he subsided Freddie, poor
ass, still stood there gapmg, without a word
"What does it mean ?” said the girl again Her face was pink,
and her eyes were sparkling in the sort of way, don’t you know,
that makes a fellow feel as if he hadn’t any bones in him, if you
know what I mean Yes, Bertram felt filleted Did you ever
tread on your partner’s chess at a dance — I’m speaking now of
the days when women wore dresses long enough to be trodden
on — and hear it rip and see her smile at you his an angel and
say, “ Please don’t apologise It’s nothing,” and then suddenly
meet her dear blue eyes and feel as if you had stepped on the
teeth of a rake and had the handle jump up and hit you in the
face? Well, that’s how Freddie’s Elizabeth looked
“ Well ?” she said, and her teeth gave a little dick
I gulped Then I said it was nothing Then I said it was
nothing much Then I said, “Oh, well, it was this way ” And I
told) all her about it And all the while Idiot Freddie stood there
gaping, without a word Not one solitary yip had he let out of
himself from the start

And the girl didn’t speak, either She just stood listening
And then she began to laugh I never heard a girl laugh so
mudi She leaned against the side of the veranda and shrieked
And all the while Freddie, the World’s Champion Dumb Brick,
standing there, saying nothing

Well, I finished my story and sidled to the steps I had said
all I had to say, and it seemed to me that about here the stage-
direction “eat cautiously” was written in my part I gave poor
old Freddie up m despair If only he had said a word it might
have be$} all right But there he stood, speechless
Just out of sight of the house I met Jeeves, returqjng from his
stroll.

“Jeeves,” I said, “all is over The thing ’s finished Poor dear
old Freddie has made a complete ass of himself and killed the
whole show ”

“Indeed, sir? What has actually happened?”

FIXING IT FOR FREDDIE

167

I told him

“He fluffed in his hues,” I concluded “Just stood there
saying nothing, when if ever there was a time for eloquence,
this was it He Great Scott 1 Look 1 ”

We had come back within view of the cottage, and there m
front of it stood six children, a nurse, two loafers, another nurse,
and the fellow from the grocer’s They were all staring Down
the road came galibping five more children, a dog, three men and
a boy, all about to stare And on our porch, as unconscious of the
spectators as if they had been alone m the Sahara, stood Freddie
and has Elizabeth, clasped m each other’s arms
“Great Scott'” I said

“It would appear, sir,” said Jeeves, “that everything has
concluded most satisfactorily, after all ”

“Yes Dear old Freddie may have been fluffy in his lines,”
I said, “but his business certainly seems to have gone with a
bang ”

“Very true, sir,” said Jeeves.

Clustering Round Young Bingo

I blotted the last page of my manuscript and sank back,
feeling more or less of a spent force After incredible sweat
of the old brow the thing seemed to be in pretty fair shape, and
I was just reading it through and debating whether to bung
in another paragraph at the end, when there was a tap at the door
and Jeeves appeared
“Mrs Travers, sir, on the telephone ”

“Oh?” I sad Preoccupied, don’t you know
“Yes, sir She presents her compliments and would be glad
to know what progress you have made with the article which
you are writing for her ”

“Jeeves, can I mention men’s knee-length under-dothing in
a woman’s paper?”

“No, sir”

“Then tell her it’s finished ”

“Very good, sir ”

“And, Jeeves, when you’re through, come back I want you
to cast your eye over this effort and give it the O K ”

My Aunt Dahlia, who runs a woman’s paper called Milady’s
Boudoir, had recently backed me into a comer and made me
promise to write her a few authoritative words for her “Husbands
and Brothers” page on “What the Well-Dressed Man is Wearing ”
I believe in encouraging aunts, when deserving, and, as there
are many worse eggs than her knocking about the metrop I
had consented bhlhely But I give you my honest word that if
I had had the foggiest nouon of what I was letting myself in for,
not even a nephew’s devotion would have kept me from giving
her the raspberry A deuce of a job it had been, taxing the physique
to the utmost I don’t wonder now that all these qjithor blokes
have bald heads and faces like birds who have suffered
“Jeeves,” I said, when he came back, “you don’t read a
paper called Milady* s Boudoir by any chance, do you ?”

“No, sir The periodical has not come to my notice ”

“Well, spring sixpence on it next week, because this article

168

CLUSTERING ROUND YOUNG BINGO 169

will appear in it Wooster on the well-dressed man, don’t you
know”

“Indeed, sir?”

“Yes, indeed, Jeeves I’ve rather extended myself over this
litde bijou There’s a bit about socks that I think you will like ”
He took the manuscript, brooded over it, and smiled a gentle,
approving smile

“The sock passage is quite in the proper vein, sir,” he said
“Well expressed, what 5 ”

“Extremely, sir ”

I watched him narrowly as he read on, and, as I was expecting,
what you might call the love-light suddenly died out of his
eyes I braced myself for an unpleasant scene
“Come to the bit about soft silk shirts for evening wear ?”
I asked carelessly

“Yes, sir,” said Jeeves, m a low, cold voice, as if he had been
bitten m the leg by a personal friend “And if I may be pardoned

for saymg so ■”

“You don’t like it?”

“No, sir I do not Soft silk shirts with evening costume are
not worn, sir ”

“Jeeves,” I said, looking the blighter diametrically in the
centre of the eyeball, “they’re dashed well going to be I may
as well tell you now that I have ordered a dozen of those shirtings
from Peabody and S imms , and it’s no good looking like that,
because I am jolly well adamant ”

“If I might ”

“No, Jeeves,” I said, raising my hand, “argument is useless
Nobody has a greater respect than I have for your judgment in
socks, in ties, and— I will go farther — in spats, but when it
comes to evening shirts your nerve seems to fail you You have
no vision You are prejudiced and reactionary Hidebound is
the word that suggests itself It may interest you to learn that
when I was at Le Touquet the Prince of Wales buzzed into the
Casino one night with soft silk shirt complete ”

“His RoyqJ Highness, sir, may permit himself a certain licence
which in your own case ”

“No, Jeeves,” I said firmly, “it’s no use When we Woosters
are adamant, we are— well, adamant, if you know what I mean ”
“Very good, sir ”

I could see the man was wounded, and, of course, the whole

170 CARRY ON, JEEVES

episode had been extremely jarring and unpleasant, but these
thing s have to be gone through Is one a serf or isn’t one?
ThaPs what it all boils down to Having made my point, I
changed the subject

“Well, that’s that,” I said “We now approach another topic
Do you know any housemaids, Jeeves

“Housemaids, sir?”

“Come, come, Jeeves, you know what housemaids are”

“Are you requiring a housemaid, sir ?”

“No, but Mr Little is I met him at the dub a couple of days
ago, and he told me that Mrs Little is offering rich rewards
to anybody who will find her one guaranteed to go light on the

china ”

“Indeed, sir ?”

“Yes The one now in office apparently runs through the
objets d’art like a typhoon, simoon, or sirocco So if you know
any ■”

“I know a great many, sir Some intimately, others mere
acquaintances ”

“Well, start digging round among the old pals And now die
hat, the stick, and other necessaries I must be getting along and
handing in this article ”

The offices of Milady’s Boudoir were in one of those rummy
streets in the Covent Garden neighbourhood, and I had just
got to the door, after wading through a deep top-dressing of old
cabbages and tomatoes, when who should come out but Mrs
Little She greeted me with the warmth due to the old family
friend, m spite of the fact that I hadn’t been round to the house
for a goodish while

“Whatever are you doing m these parts, Berne? I thought
you never came east of Leicester Square ”

“I’ve come to deliver an article of sorts which my Aunt
Dahlia asked me to write She edits a species of journal up those
stairs Malady’s Boudoir ”

“What a coincidence' I have just promised to wijte an article
for her, too”

“Don’t yon do it,” I said earnestly “You’ve simply no nohon

what a ghastly labour Oh, but, of course, I was forgetting

You’re used to it, what?”

Silly of me to have talked like that Young Bingo Little,

CLUSTERING ROUND YOUNG BINGO 171

if you remember, had married the famous female novelist,
Rosie M Banks, author of some of the most pronounced and
widely-read tripe ever put on the market Naturally a mere
article would be pie for her

“No, I don’t think it will give me much trouble,” she said
“Your aunt has suggested a most delightful subject ”

“That’s good By the way, I spoke to my man Jeeves about
getting you a hcRisemaid He knows all the hummers ”

“Thank you so much Oh, are you cloing anything to-morrow
night?”

“Not a thing ”

“Then do come and dine with us Your aunt is coming, and
hopes to bring your unde I am looking forward to meeting him ”

“Thanks Delighted”

I meant it, too The Little household may be weak on house-
maids, but it is right there when it comes to cooks Somewhere
or other some tune ago Bingo’s missus managed to dig up a
Frenchman of the most extraordinary vim and skill A most
amazing Johnnie who dishes a wicked ragout Old Bingo has
put on at least ten pounds in weight since this fellow Anatole
arrived m the home

“At eight, then”

“Right Thanks ever so much ”

She popped off, and I went upstairs to hand in my copy, as
we boys of die Press call it I found Aunt Dahlia immersed to
the gills m papers of all descriptions

I am not much of a lad for my relatives as a general thing,
but I’ve always been very pally with Aunt Dahlia She married
my Unde Thomas — between ourselves a bit of a squut— the
year Bluebottle won the Cambridgeshire, and they hadn’t got
half-way down the aisle before I was saying to myself, “That
woman is much too good for the old bird ” Aunt Dahlia is a
large, genial soul, the sort you see in dozens on the hunting-
fidd As a matter of fact until she married Uncle Thomas,
she put in most of her time on horseback, but he won’t live in
the country, so nowadays she expends her energy oa this paper
of hers *

She came to the surface as I entered, and flung a cheery book
at my head

“Hullo, Berne' I say, have you really finished that arttde?”

“To the last comma ”

173 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“Good boy! My gosh, I’ll bet it’s rotten ”

“On the contrary, it is extremely hot stuff, and most of it
approved by Jeeves, what’s more The bit about soft silk shirts
got in amongst him a trifle, but you can take it from me, Aunt
Dahlia, that they are the latest model and will be much seen at
first nights and other occasions where Society assembles”
“Your man Jeeves,” said Aunt Dahlia, flinging the article
mto a basket and skewering a few loose piectfs of paper on a
sort of meat-hook, “is a wash-out, and you can tell him I said
so”

“Oh, come,” I said “He may not be sound on shirtings ”

“I’m not referring to that As long as a week ago I asked him
to get me a cook, and he hasn’t found one yet ”

“Great Scott' Is Jeeves a domestic employment agency?
Mrs Little wants him to find her a house-maid I met her outside
She tells me she’s doing something for you ”

“Yes, thank goodness I’m relying on it to bump the circulation
up a bit I can’t read her stuff myself, but women love it Her
name on the cover will mean a lot And we need it ”

“Paper not doing well ?”

“It’s doing all right really, but it’s got to be a slow job building
up a circulation ”

“I suppose so ”

“I can get Tom to see that in his luad moments,” said Aunt
Dahlia, skewenng a few more papers “But just at present the
poor fathead has got one of his pessimistic spells If s entirely
due to that mechanic who calls herself a cook A few more of her
alleged dinners, and Tom will refuse to go on paying the printers’
bills”

“You don’t mean that'”

“I do mean it There was what she called a ns de veau a la
financtkre last night which made him talk for three-quarters
of an hour about good money going to waste and nothing to
show for it” „

I quite understood, and I was dashed sorry for her My
Unde Thomas is a cove who made a colossal pile of money out
in die East, but in doing so put his digestion on*the blink
This has made him a tricky proposition to handle Many a time
I’ve lunched with him and found him perfectly chirpy up to the
fish, only to have him turn blue on me well before the
cheese

CLUSTERING ROUND YOUNG BINGO 173

Who was that lad they used to try to make me read at Oxford >
Ship — Shop — Schopenhauer That’s the name A grouch of the
most pronounced description Well, Unde Thomas, when
his gastric juices have been giving him the elbow, can make
Schopenhauer look like Pollyanna And the worst of it is, from
Aunt Dahlia’s point of view, that on these occasions he always
seems to think he’s on the brink of rum and wants to start to
economise %

“Pretty tough/’ I said “Well, artyway, he’ll get one good
dinn er to-morrow night at the Littles’ ”

“Can you guarantee that, Bertie ?” asked Aunt Dahlia earnestly
“I simply daren’t risk unleashing him on anything at all wonky ”
“They’ve got a marvellous cook I haven’t been round there
for some tune, but unless he’s lost his form of two months ago
Uncle Thomas is going to have the treat of a lifetime ”

“It’ll only make it all the worse for him, coming back to our
steak-incinerator,” said Aunt Dahlia, a bit on the Schopenhauer
side herself

The little nest where Bingo and his bnde had settled them-
selves was up in St John’s Wood, one of those rather jolly
houses with a bit of garden When I got there on the following
night, I found that I was the last to weigh in Aunt Dahlia was
chatting with Rosie m a comer, while Uncle Thomas, s tanding
by the mantelpiece with Bingo, sucked down a cocktail in a
frowning, suspicious sort of manner, rather like a chappie
having a short snort before dining with the Borgias as if he were
saying to himself that, even if this particular cocktail wasn’t
poisoned, he was bound to cop it later on
Well, I hadn’t expected anything in the nature of beaming
j<ne de more from Uncle Thomas, so I didn’t pay much attention
to him What did surprise me was the extraordinary gloom of
young Bingo You may say what you like against Bingo, but
nobody has ever fount him a depressing host Why, many a
tune in the days of his bachelorhood I’ve known him to start
throwing bread before the soup course Yet now he and Unde
Thomas were a pair. He looked haggard and careworn, like a
Borgia who has suddenly remembered that he has forgotten
to shove cyanide in the consonant, and the dinner-gong due any
moment

And the mystery wasn’t helped at all by the one remark he

174 CARRY ON, JEEVES

made to me before conversation became general As he poured
out my cocktail, he suddenly bent forward

“Bertie,” he whispered, in a nasty, feverish manner, “I want
to see you Life and death matter Be in to-morrow mo rning ”

That was all Immediately after that the starting-gun went
and we toddled down to the festive And from that mo ment.,
I’m bound to say, in the superior interest of the proceedin gs he
rather faded out of my mind For good old «Anatole, braced
presumably by the fact ®f there being guests, had absolutely
surpassed himself

I am not a man who speaks hastily in these matters I weigh
my words And I say again that Anatole had surpassed himself
It was as good a dinner as I have ever absorbed, and it revived
Unde Thomas like a watered flower As we sat down he was
saying some things about the Government which they wouldn’t
have cared to hear With the consomme p&te (F Italic he said but
what could you expect nowadays ? With the paupiettes de sole a la
pnncesse he admitted rather decently that the Government
couldn’t be held responsible for the rotten weather, anyway
And shortly after the caneton Aylesbury a la broche he was
practically giving the lads the benefit of his whole-hearted
support

And all the time young Bingo looking like an owl with a secret
sorrow Rummy’

I thought about it a good deal as I walked home, and I was
hoping he wouldn’t roll round with his hard-luck story too early
in the morning He had the air of one who intends to charge
in at about six-thirty

Jeeves was waiting up for me when I got back

“A pleasant dinner, sir ?” he said

“Magnificent, Jeeves ”

“I am glad to hear that, sir Mr George Travers rang up
on the telephone shortly after you had left He was extremely
desirous that you should join him at Harrogate, sir He leaves
for that town by an early tram to-morrow ”

My Uncle George is a festive old bird who has made a habit
for years of doing himself a dashed sight too well? with the
result that he’s always got Harrogate or Buxton hanging over
him like the sword of what’s-his-name And he hates going
there alone

“It can’t be done,” I said Uncle George is bad enough in

CLUSTERING ROUND YOUNG BINGO I75

London, and I wasn’t going to let myself be cooped up with
him in one of these cure-places
“He was extremely urgent, sir ”

“No, Jeeves,” I said firmly “I am always anxious to oblige,
but Unde George— no, no 1 I mean to say, what?”

“Very good, sir,” said Jeeves

It was a pleasure to hear the way he sad it Docile the man
was becoming^ absolutely docile It just showed that I had
been right in putting my foot down about those shirts

When Bingo showed up next monung I had had breakfast
and was all ready for him Jeeves shot him into the presence,
and he sat down on the bed
“Good morning, Bertie,” said young Bingo
“Good monung, old thing,” I replied courteously
“Don’t go, Jeeves,” sad young Bingo hollowly “Wat ”
“Sir 5 ”

“Remain Stay Cluster round I shall need you ”

“Very good, sir ”

Bingo ht a cigarette and frowned bleakly at the wallpaper
“Bertie,” he sad, “the most frightful calamity has occurred
Unless something is done, and done nght speedily, my social
prestige is doomed, my self-respect will be obliterated, my name
will be mud, and I shall not dare to show my face in the West
End of London again ”

“My aunt 1 ” I cried, deeply impressed
“Exactly,” sad young Bingo, with a hollow laugh “You
have put it in a nutshell The whole trouble is due to your
blasted aunt”

“Which blasted aunt ? Specify, old dung I have so many ”
“Mrs Travers The one who runs that infernal paper ”

“Oh, no, dash it, old man,” I protested “She’s the only decent
aunt I’ve got Jeeves, you will bear me out in this 5 ”

"Such has always been my impression, I must confess,
sir”

“Well, get nd of it, then,” said young Bingo “The woman is
a menace to society, a home-wrecker, and a pest T>o you know
what’s she’s done? She’s got Rosie to write an article for that
rag of hers ”

“I know that ”

“Yes, but you don’t know what it’s about ”

176 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“No She only told me Aunt Dahlia had given her a splendid
idea for the thing ”

“It’s about me*”

“You?”

“Yes, me* Me* And do you know what it’s called? It is called
‘How I Keep the Love of My Husband-Baby ”

“My what ?”

“Husband-baby '”

“What’s a husband-baby.^”

“I am, apparently,” said young Bmgo, with much bitterness
“I am also, according to this article, a lot of other things which
I have too much sense of decency to repeat even to an old
friend This beastly composition, in short, is one of those things
they call ‘human interest stones’ , one of those intimate revelations
of mamed life over which the female public loves to gloat, all
about Rosie and me and what she does when I come home
cross, and so on I tell you, Bertie, I am still blushing all
over at the recollection of something she says m paragraph
two ”

“What?”

“I decline to tell you But you can take it from me that it’s
the edge Nobody could be fonder of Rosie than I am, but —
dear, sensible girl as she is m ordinary life— the moment she
gets in front of a dictating-machme she becomes absolutely
maudlin Bertie, that article must not appear'”

“But ”

“If it does I shall have to resign from my dubs, grow a beard,
and become a hermit I shall not be able to face the world ”
“Aren’t you pitching it a bit strong, old lad?” I said “Jeeves,
don’t you think he’s pitching it a bit strong ?”

“Well, sir ”

“I am pitching it feebly,” said young Bingo earnestly “You
haven’t heard the thing I have Rosie shoved the cylinder on
the dictating-machme last night before dinner, and it was grisly
to hear the instrument croaking out those awful sentences If
that artide appears I shall be kidded to death by every pal I’ve
got Bertie,” he said, his voice sinking to a hoarse ..whisper,
“you have about as much imagination as a warthog, but surely
even you can picture to yourself what Jimmy Bowles and Tuppy
Rogers, to name only two, will say when they see me referred to
in print as ‘half god, half prattling, mischievous child’

CLUSTERING ROUND YOUNG BINGO 177

I jolly well could

“She doesn’t say that ?” I gasped

“She certainly does And when I tell you that I selected that
particular quotation because it’s about the only one I can stand
pawng spoken, you will realise what I’m up against ”

I picked at the coverlet I had been a pal of Bingo’s for many
years, and we Woosters stand by our pals
“Jeeves,” I said* “you have heard ?”

“Yes, sir ”

“The position is serious ”

“Yes, sir ”

“We must cluster round ”

“Yes, sir ”

“Does anything suggest itself to you ?”

“Yes, sir ”

“What' You don’t really mean that ?”

“Yes, sir ”

“Bingo,” I said, “the sun is still shining Something suggests
itself to Jeeves ”

“Jeeves,” said young Bingo in a quivering voice, “if you see
me through this fearful crisis, ask of me what you will even
unto half my kingdom ”

“The matter,” said Jeeves, “fits m very nicely, sir, with another
mission which was entrusted to me this morning ”

“What do you mean

“Mrs Travers rang me up on the telephone shortly before I
brought you your tea, sir, and was most urgent that I should
endeavour to persuade Mr Little’s cook to leave Mr Litde’s
service and join her staff It appears that Mr Travers was fascin-
ated by the man’s ability, sir, and talked far into the night of his
astonishing gifts ”

Young Bmgo uttered a frightful cry of agony

“What 1 Is that— that buzzard trying to pinch our cook?”

“Yes, sir”

“After eating our bread and salt, dammit?”

“I fear, sir,” sighed Jeeves, “that when it comes to a matter
of cooks, ladies have but a rudimentary sense of morality ”
“Half a second, Bmgo,” I said, as the fellow seemed about to
plunge into something of an oration “How does this fit m with
the other dung, Jeeves,?”

“Well, sir, it has been my experience that no lady can ever

178 CARRY ON, JEEVES

forgive another lady for taking a really good cook away from her
I am convinced that, if I am able to accomplish the mission which
Mrs Travers entrusted to me, an instant breach of cordial
relations must inevitably ensue Mrs Little will, I feel certain,
be so aggrieved with Mrs Travers that she will decline to
contribute to her paper We shall therefore not only bring hap-
piness to Mr Travers, but also suppress the article Thus killing
two birds with one stone, if I may use the expression, sir ”

“Certainly you may usC the expression, Jeeves,” I said cordially
“And I may add that m my opinion this is one of your best and
ripest ”

“Yes, but I say, you know,” bleated young Bingo “I mean to
say— old Anatole, I mean— what I’m driving at is that he’s a
cook in a million ”

“You poor chump, if he wasn’t, there would be no point in the
scheme ”

“Yes, but what I mean — I shall miss him, you know Miss
him fearfully”

“Good heavens I cried “Don’t tell me that you are think ing
of your tummy in a crisis like this ?”

Bmgo sighed heavily

“Oh, all right,” he said “I suppose it’s a case of the surgeon’s
knife All right, Jeeves, you may carry on Yes, carry on, Jeeves
Yes, yes, Jeeves, carry on I’ll look in to-morrow morning and
hear what you have to report ”

And with bowed head young Bmgo biffed off

He was bright and early next morning In fact, he turned up
at such an indecent hour that Jeeves very properly refused to
allow him to break in on my slumbers

By the time I was awake and receiving, he and Jeeves had had
a heart-to-heart chat in the kitchen, and when Bmgo eventually
crept into my room I could see by the look on his face that some-
dung had gone wrong

“It’s all off,” he said, slumping down on the bed

“Off?”,

“Yes, that cook-pinching business Jeeves tells* me he saw
Anatole last night, and Anatole refused to leave ”

“But surety Aunt Dahlia had the sense to offer him more than
he was getting with you?”

“The sky was the limit, as far as she was concerned Neverthe-

CLUSTERING ROUND YOUNG BINGO 179

less, he refused to skid It seems he’s m lore with our parlour-
maid”

“But you haven’t got a parlourmaid ”

“We have got a parlourmaid ”

“I’ve never seen her A sort of bloke who looked like a provincial
undertaker waited at table the night before last ”

“That was the local greengrocer, who comes to help out
when desired The parlourmaid is away on her holiday— or
was till last night She returned about tbn minutes before Jeeves
made his call, and Anatole, I take it, was in such a state of elation
and devotion and what-not on seeing her a gain that the contents
of the Mint wouldn’t have bribed mm to part from her ”

“But look here. Bingo,” I said, “this is all rot I see the solu-
tion right off I’m surprised that a bloke of Jeeves’s mentality
overlooked it Aunt Dahlia must engage the parlourmaid as
well as Anatole Then they won’t be parted ”

“I thought of that, too Naturally ”

“I bet you didn’t ”

“I certainly did ”

“Well, what’s wrong with the scheme ?”

“It can’t be worked If your aunt engaged our parlourmaid
she would have to sack her own, wouldn’t she
“Well?”

“Well, if she sacks her parlourmaid, it will mean that the
chauffeur will quit He’s in love with her ”

“With my aunt ?”

“No, with the parlourmaid And apparently he’s the only
chauffeur your unde has ever found who drives carefully enough
for him ”

I gave it up I had never imagined before that life below
stairs was so frightfully mixed up with what these coves call lie
sex complex The personnel of domestic staffs seemed to pair
off like characters in a musical comedy
“Oh!” I said “Well, that being so, we do seem to be more or
less stymied That article will have to appear after all, what ?”
“No, it won’t ”

“Has Jeeves thought of another scheme?”

“No, but I have ” Bingo bent forward and patted my knee
affectionately “Look here, Bertie,” he said, “you and I were at
school together You’ll admit that?”

“Yes, but ”

180 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“And you’re a fellow who never lets a pal down That’s well
known, isn’t it>”

“Yes, but listen ”

“You’ll duster round Of course you will As if,” said ftingn
with a scornful laugh, “I ever doubted it 1 You won’t let an old
school-friend down in his hour of need Not you Not Bertie
Wooster No, no 1 ”

“Yes, but just one moment What is# this scheme of
yours?”

Bingo massaged my shoulder soothingly
“It’s something right in your line, Bertie, old man, something
that’ll come as easy as pie to you As a matter of fact, you’ve done
very much the same thing before— that time you were telling
me about when you pinched your unde’s Memoirs at Easeby I

suddenly remembered that, and it gave me the idea It’s ”

“Here' Listen'”

“It’s all settled, Bertie Nothing for you to worry about
No thing whatever I see now that we made a big mistake in
ever trying to tackle this job in Jeeves’s silly, roundabout way
Much better to charge straight ahead without any of that finesse
and fooling about And so——”

“Yes, but listen ”

“And so this afternoon I’m going to take Rosie to a matinee
I shall leave the window of her study open, and when we have
got well away you will climb in, pinch die cylinder and pop off

again It’s absurdly simple ”

“Yes, but half a second ”

“I know what you are going to say,” said Bingo, raising his
hand “How are you to find the cylinder > That’s what is bothering
you, isn’t it ? Well, it will be qmte easy Not a chance of a mis-
take The thing is in the top left-hand drawer of the desk, and
the drawer will be left unlocked because Rosie’s stenographer
is to come round at four o’clock and type the article ”

“Now listen, Bingo,” I said “I’m frightfully sorry for you
and all that, but I must firmly draw the line at burglary ”
“But, dash it, I’m only asking you to do what you did at
Easeby”

“No, you aren’t I was staying at Easeby It was simply a
case of having to lift a parcel off the hall table I hadn’t got to
break into a house I’m sorry, but I simply will not break into
your beastly house on any consideration whatever ”

CLUSTERING ROUND YOUNG BINGO l8l

He gazed at me, astonished and hurt

“Is this Bertie Wooster speaking he said in a low voice

“Yes, it is'”

“But, Bertie,” he said gently, “we agreed that you were at
school with me ”

“I don’t care ”

“At school, Bertie The dear old school ”

“I don’t care Swill not ”

“Bertie'”

“I will not ”

“Bertie

“No'”

“Bertie'”

“Oh, all right,” I said

“There,” said young Bingo, patting me on die shoulder,
“spoke the true Bertram Wooster'”

I don’t know if it has ever occurred to you, but to the thought-
ful cove there is something dashed reassuring m all the reports
of burglaries you read in die papers I mean, if you’re keen on
Great Britain maintaining her prestige and all that I mean,
there can’t be much wrong with the morale of a country whose
sons go in to such a large extent for house-breaking, because
you can take it from me that the job requires a nerve of the
most cast-iron description I suppose I was walking up and down
m front of that house for half an hour before I could bring
myself to dash in at the front gate and shde round to the side
where the study window was And even then I stood for about
ten minutes cowering against the wall and listening for pohce-
whisdes

Eventually, however, I braced myself up and got to business
The study was on the ground floor and the window was nice
and large, and, what is more, wide open I got the old knee
over the sill, gave a jerk which took an inch of skin off my anile,
and hopped down into the room And there I was, if you follow
me

I stood for a moment, listening Everything seemed to be all
right I ms apparently alone in die world
In fact, I was so much alone that the atmosphere seemed
positively creepy You know how it is on these occasions There
was a dock on the mantelpiece that ticked in a slow, shocked

1 82 CARRY ON, JEEVES

sort of way that was dashed unpleasant And over the clock a large
portrait stared at me with a good deal of dislike and suspicion
It was a portrait of somebody’s grandfather Whether he was
Rosie’s or Bingo’s I didn’t know, but he was certainly a grand-
father In fact, I wouldn’t be prepared to swear that he wasn’t
a great-grandfather He was a big, stout old buffer in a hi gh
collar that seemed to hurt his neck, for he had drawn his chin
back a goodish way and was looking down Jus nose as much
as to say, “You made mi put this dam’ thing on 1 ”

Well, it was only a step to the desk, and nothing between me
and it but a brown sha ggy rug, so I avoided grandfather’s eye
and, summoning up the good old bulldog courage of the Woosters,
moved forward and started to navigate die rug And I had hardly
taken a step when the south-east comer of it suddenly detached
itself from the rest and sat up with a snuffle

Well, I mean to say, to bear yourself fittingly m die face
of an occurrence of this sort you want to be one of those strong,
silent, phlegmatic birds who are ready for anything This type
of bloke, I imag ine, would simply have cocked an eye at the rug,
said to himself, “Ah, a Pekingese dog, and quite a good one,
too 1 ” and started at once to make cordial overtures to die animal
in order to wm its sympathy and moral support I suppose I
must be one of the neurotic younger generation you read about
in the papers nowadays, because it was pretty plain within half
a second that I wasn’t strong and I wasn’t phlegmatic This
wouldn’t have mattered so much, but I wasn’t sdent either
In the emotion of the moment I let out a sort of sharp yowl and
leaped about four feet in a north-westerly direction And there
was a crash that sounded as though somebody had touched off
a bomb

What a female novelist wants with an occasional table in
her study containing a vase, two framed photographs, a saucer,
a lacquer box, and a jar of potpourri, I don’t know, but that
was what Bingo’s Rosie had, and I caught it squarely with my
right hip and knocked it endways It seemed to me for a moment
as if the whole world had dissolved into a kind of cataract of
glass and china A few years ago, when I legged it%> America
to elude my Aunt Agatha, who was out with her hatchet, I
remember going to Niagara and listening to the Falls. They made
much the same sort of row, but not so loud.

And at the same instant the dog began to bark

CLUSTERING ROUND YOUNG BINGO 183

It was a small dog — the sort of animal from which you would
have expected a noise like a squeaking slatepencil, but it was
simply baying It had retired into a comer, and was leaning
again st the wall with bulging eyes, and every two seconds it
chucked its head back in a kind of pained way and let out another
terrific bellow

Well, I know when I’m licked I was sorry for Bingo and re*
gretted the necessity of having to let hjjn down, but the time had
come, I felt, to shift “Outside for Bertram'” was the slogan,
and I took a running leap at the window and scrambled

through

And there on the path, as if they had been waiting for me by
appointment, stood a policeman and a parlourmaid
It was an embarrassing moment

“Oh — er — there you are'” I said And there was what you
might call a contemplative silence for a moment
"I told you I heard something,” said the parlourmaid
The policeman was regarding me in a boiled way
“What’s all this ?” he asked
I smiled in a sort of saint-like manner
“It’s a little hard to explain,” I said
“Yes, it is'” said the policeman

“I was just — er — just having a look round, you know Old
friend of the family, you understand ”

“How did you get in ?”

“Through the window Being an old friend of the family,
if you follow me ”

“Old friend of the family, are you?”

“Oh, very Very Very old Oh, a very old friend of the
family”

“I’ve never seen him before,” said the parlourmaid
I looked at the girl with positive loathing How she could
have inspired affection in anyone, even a French cook, beat me
Not that she was a bad-lookmg girl, mind you Not at all On
another and happier occasion I might even hav^ thought her
rather prStty But now she seemed one of the most unpleasant
females I had ever encountered
“No,” I said “You have never seen me before But I’m an old
friend of the family ”

“Then why didn’t you ring at the front door

184 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“I didn’t want to give any trouble ”

“It’s no trouble answering front doors, that being what you’re
paid for,” said the parlourmaid virtuously “I’ve never seen him
before in my life,” she added, perfectly gratuitously A hrmt^
girl

“Well, look here,” I said, with an inspiration, “the undert-at- pr
knows me”

“What undertaker?”

“The cove who was wSitmg at table when I dined here the
night before last ”

“Did the undertaker wait at table on the sixteenth instant?”
asked the policeman

“Of course he didn’t,” said the parlourmaid

“Well, he looked like By Jove, no I remember now He

was the greengrocer ”

“On the sixteenth instant,” said the policeman — pompous

ass' — “did the greengrocer ?”

“Yes, he did, if you want to know,” said the parlourmaid
She seemed disappointed and baffled, like a tigress that sees its
prey being sneaked away from it Then she brightened “But
this fellow could easily have found that out by asking round
about ”

A perfectly poisonous girl
“What’s your name 5 ” asked the policeman
“Well, I say, do you mind awfully if I don’t give my name,
because ’’

“Suit yourself You’ll have to tell it to the magistrate ”
“Oh, no, I say, dash it'”

“I think you’d better come along ”

“But I say, really, you know, I am an old friend of the family
Why, by Jove, now I remember, there’s a photograph of me in
the drawing-room Well, I mean, that shows youl”

“If there is,” said the policeman
“I’ve never seen it,” said the parlourmaid
I absolutely hated this girl

“You would have seen it if you had done your dusting more
conscientiously,” I said severely And I meant it toasting, by
Jove 1

“It is not a parlourmaid’s place to dust the drawing-room,”
she sniffed haughtily

“No,” I said bitterly “It seems to be a parlourmaid’s place

CLUSTERING ROUND YOUNG BINGO 185

to lurk about and hang about and — er — waste her time fooling
about in the garden with policemen who ought to be busy
about their duties elsewhere ”

“It’s a parlourmaid’s place to open the front door to visitors
Them that don’t come in through windows ”

I perceived that I was getting the loser’s end of the thing I
tned to be conciliatory

“My dear old^arlourmaid,” I said^ “don’t let us descend to
vulgar wrangling All I’m driving at is that tffere is a photograph
of me in the drawing-room, caffed for and dusted by whom I
know not, and this photograph will, I think, prove to you that
I am an old friend of the family I fancy so, officer >”

“If it’s there,” said the man in a grudging way
“Oh, it’s there all nght Oh, yes, it’s there ”

“Well, we’ll go to the drawing-room and see ”

“Spoken like a man, my dear old policeman,” I said

The drawing-room was on the first floor, and the photograph
was on the table by the fire-place Only, if you understand me,
it wasn’t What I mean is, there was the fire-place, and there
was the table by the fire-place, but, by Jove, not a sign of any
photograph of me whatsoever A photograph of Bingo, yes A
photograph of Bingo’s unde. Lord Bittlesham, nght A photo-
graph of Mrs Bmgo, three-quarter face, with a tender smile
on her bps, all present and correct But of anything resembling
Bertram Wooster, not a trace
“Ho 1 ” said the policeman
"But, dash it, it was there the night before last ”

“Ho 1 ” he said again “Ho 1 Ho 1 ” As if he were starting a
dnnkmg-chorus in a comic opera, confound him
Then I got what amounted to the brain-wave of a lifetime
‘mo dusts these things >” I said, turning on the parlourmaid

“I didn’t say you did I said who did ”

"Mary The housemaid, of course ”

“Exactly As I suspected As I foresaw Mary, officer, is
notoriously the worst smasher in London There have been
complaints about her on all sides You see what has happened?
The wretched girl has broken the glass of my photograph and,
not bong willing to come forward and admit it in an honest,
manly way, has taken the thing off and concealed it somewhere ”

l86 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“Ho 1 ” said the policeman, still working through the drinkmg-
chorus

“Well, ask her Go down and ask her ”

“You go down and ask her,” said the pohceman to the parlour-
maid “If it’s going to make him any happier ”

The parlourmaid left the room, casting a pestilential glanca
at me over her shoulder as she went I’m not sure she didn’t
say “Ho 1 ” too And then jhere was a bit of a lufi The pohceman
took up a position With a large beefy back against the door, and
I wandered to and fro and hither and yonder
“What are you playing at?” demanded the pohceman
“Just looking round They may have moved die thing ”
“Ho'”

And then there was another bit of a lull And suddenly I
found myself by the window, and, by Jove, it was si* inches
open at the bottom And the world beyond looked so bright

and sunny and Well, I don’t claim that I am a particularly

swift thinker, but once more something seemed to whisper,
“Outside for Bertram 1 ” I slid my fingers nonchalandy under the
sash, gave a hefty heave, and up she came And the neat moment
I was in a laurel bush, feeling like the cross which marks the
spot where the accident occurred
A large red face appeared in the window I got up and skipped
lightly to the gate
“Hi!” shouted the pohceman
“Ho 1 ” I replied, and went forth, moving well
“This,” I said to myself, as I hailed a passing cab and sank
bad: on the cushions, “is the last time I tty to do anything for
young Bingo'”

These sentiments I expressed in no guarded language to
Jeeves when I was back in die old fiat with my feet on the mantel-
piece, pushing down a soothing whisky-and
"Never again, Jeeves'” I said “Never again'”

“Weil, sir ”

“No, neves again'”

"Well, sir ■”

“What do you mean, ‘Well, sir’? What are you driving at?”
“Well, sir, Mr Little is an extremely persistent young gentle-
man, and yours, if I may say so, sir, is a yielding and obliging
nature ”

CLUSTERING ROUND YOUNG BINGO 187

"You don’t think that young Bingo would have the immortal
nnd to try to get me into some other foul enterprise ?”

“I should say that it was more than probable, sir ”

I removed the dogs swiftly from the mantelpiece, and jumped
up, all of a twitter
“Jeeves, what would you advise ?”

“Well, sir, I think a little change of scene would be
judicious ”

“Do a bolt?”

“Precisely, sir If I might suggest it, sir, why not change your
mind and join Mr George Travers at Harrogate ?”

“Oh, I say, Jeeves'”

“You would be out of what I might describe as the danger
zone there, sir ”

‘Terhaps you’re right, Jeeves,” I said thoughtfully “Yes,
possibly you’re right How far is Harrogate from London ?”
“Two hundred and six miles, sir ”

“Yes, I think you’re right Is there a tram this afternoon?”
“Yes, sir You could catch it quite easily ”

“All right, then Bung a few necessaries in a bag ”

“I have already done so, sir ”

“Ho!” I said

It’s a rummy thing, but when you come down to it Jeeves is
always right He had tried to cheer me up at the station by
saying that I would not find Harrogate unpleasant, and, by
Jove, he was perfectly correct What I had overlooked, when
examining the project, was the fact that I should be in the middle
of a bevy of blokes who were taking the cure and I shouldn’t be
taking it myself You’ve no notion what a dashed cosy, satisfying
feeling that gives a fellow

I mean to say, there was old Unde George, for instance The
methane-man, having given him the once-over, had ordered
him to abstain from all alcoholic liquids, and in addition to tool
down the hill to the Royal Pump-Room each morning at eight-
thirty and imbibe twelve ounces of warm crescent saline and
magnesia It doesn’t sound much, put that way, but I gather
from contemporary accounts that it’s practically equivalent to
getting outside a couple of little old last year’s eggs beaten up
in sea-water And the thought of Unde George, who had op-
pressed me sorely in my childhood, sucking down that stuff and

188 CARRY OK, JEEVES

having to hop out of bed at eight-fifteen to do so was extremely
grateful and comforting of a morning
At four in the afternoon he would toddle down the hill again
and repeat the process, and at night we would dine together and
I would loll bade in my chair, sipping my wine, ana listen to
him jelling me what the stuff had tasted like in many ways the
ideal existence

I generally managed to fit it in with my engagements to go
✓down and watch tarn taSkle his afternoon dose, for we Woosters
are as fond of a laugh as anyone And it was while I was enjoying
the performance in the middle of the second week that I heard
my name spoken And there was Aunt Dahlia
“Hallo I said “What are you doing here?”

“I came down yesterday with Tom ”

“Is Tom taking the cure’” asked Uncle George, looking up
hopefully from the hell-brew
“Yes ”

“Are you taking the cure
“Yes ”

“Ah'” said Unde George, looking happier than I had seen
him for days He swallowed the last drops, and then, the pro-
gramme calling for a brisk walk before his massage, left
us

“I shouldn’t have thought you would have been able to get
away from the paper,” I said “I say,” I went on, struck by a
pleasmg idea “It hasn’t bust up, has it?”

“Bust up ? I should say not A pal of mine is looking after
it for me while I’m here It’s right on its feet now Tom has
given me a couple of thousand and says there’s more if I want it,
and I’ve been able to buy the serial rights of Lady Bablock-
hythe’s ‘Frank Recollections of a Long Life’ The hottest stuff,
Bertie Certain to double the circulation and send half the best-
known people in London into hysterics for a year ”

“Oh 1 ” I said “Then you’re pretty well fixed, what? I mean,
what with the Frank Recollections and that article of Mrs
Little’s ”

Aunt Dahlia was drinking something that smelled*hke a leak
in the gas-pipe, and I thought for a moment that it was that
that made her twist up her face But I was wrong
“Daft mention that woman to me, Berne 1 ” she said “One
of the worst ”

CLUSTERING ROUND YOUNG BINGO 189

“But I thought you were rather pally ”

“No longer Will you credit it that she positively refuses to
let me have that article ”

“What'”

“—purely and simply on account of some fancied grievance
she thinks she has against me because her cook left her and
came to me ”

I couldn’t follow this at all

“Anatole left her ?” I said “But what Sbout die parlourmaid ?” ,

“P ull yourself together, Bertie You’re babbling What do
you mean’”

“Why, I understood ”

“I’ll bet you never understood anything in your life ” She
laid down her empty glass “Well, that’s done!” she said with
relief “Thank goodness. I’ll be able to watch Tom drinking his
in a few minutes It’s the only thing that enables me to bear up
Poor old chap, he does hate it so 1 But I cheer him by telling
him it’s going to put him m shape for Anatole’s cooking And
that, Bertie, is something worth going into training for A master
of his art, that man Sometimes I’m not altogether surprised that
Mrs Little made such a fuss when he went But, really, you know,
she ought not to mix sentiment with business She las no right
to refuse to let me have that article just because of a private
difference Well, she jolly well can’t use it anywhere else, because
it was my idea and I have witnesses to prove it If she tries to
sell it to another paper. I’ll sue her And, talking of sewers, it’s
high tune Tom was here to drink his sulphur-water ”

“But look here ”

“Oh, by the way, Bertie,” said Aunt Dahlia, “I withdraw any
harsh expressions I may have used about your man Jeeves
A most capable feller >”

“Jeeves?”

“Yes, he attended to the negotiations And very well he did
it, too And he hasn’t lost by it, you can bet I saw to that I’m
grateful to him Why, if Tom gives up a couple of thousand
now, practically without a murmur, the imagination reels at
what he’ll So with Anatole cooking regularly for him He’ll be
signing cheques in his sleep ”

I got up Aunt Dahlia pleaded with me to suck around and
watch Unde Tom in action, cl a i m in g it to be a sight nobody
should miss, but I couldn’t wait I rushed up the hill, left a

190 CARRY ON, JEEVES

farewell note for Uncle George, and caught the next tram for
London

“Jeeves,” I said, when I had washed off the stains of travel,
“tell me frankly all about it Be as frank as Lady Bablockhythe ”
“§jr ?”

“Never mind, if you’ve not heard of her Tell me how you
worked this binge The last I heard was «hat Anatole loved
that parlourmaid*-goo8ness knows why 1 — so much that he
refused to leave her Well, then’”

“I was somewhat baffled for a while, I must confess, sir
Then I was materially assisted by a fortunate discovery ”

“What was that?”

“I chanced to be chatting with Mrs Travers’s housemaid,
sir, and, remembering that Mrs Little was anxious to obtain
a domestic of that description, I asked her if she would consent
to leave Mrs Travers and go at an advanced wage to Mrs
Litde To this she assented, and I saw Mrs Little and arranged
the matter ”

“Well ? What was the fortunate discovery ?”

“That the girl, in a previous situation some little time back,
had been a colleague of Anatole, sir And Anatole, as is the too
frequent practice of these Frenchmen, had made love to her
In fact, they were, so I understood it, sir, formally affianced
until Anatole disappeared one morning, leaving no address, and
passed out of the poor girl’s life You will readily appreciate
that this discovery simplified matters considerably The girl
no longer had any affection for Anatole, but the prospect of
bemg under the same roof with two young persons, both of

whom he had led to assume ”

“Great Scott' Yes, I see' It was rather like putting m a ferret
to start a rabbit ”

“The principle was much the same, sir Anatole was out of
the house and m Mrs Travers’s service within half an hour of
the receipt of the information that the young person was
about to apnve A volatile man, sir Like so magy of these
Frenchmen ”

“Jeeves,” I said, “this is genius of a high order ”

“It is very good of you to say so, sir ”

“What did Mr Little say about it?”

“He appeared gratified, sir ”

CLUSTERING ROUND YOUNG BINGO 191

“To go into sordid figures, did he ”

“Yes, sir Twenty pounds Having been fortunate in his
fiolfirtwns at Hurst Park on the previous Saturday ”

“My aunt told me that she ”

"Yes, sir Most generous Twenty-five pounds ”

“Good Lord, Jeeves 1 You’ve been coining the stuff 1 ” „

“I have added appreciably to my savings, yes, sir Mrs
Little was good esough to present me with ten pounds for
finding her such a satisfactory housemeSd And then there was

Mr Travers ”

“Unde Thomas?”

“Yes, sir He also behaved most handsomely, quite independ-
ently of Mrs Travers Another twenty-five pounds And Mr
George Travers ”

“Don’t tell me that Unde George gave you something, too'
What on earth for ?”

“Well, really, sir, I do not quite understand myself But I
received a cheque for ten pounds from him He seemed to be
under the impression that I had been in some way responsible
for your joining him at Harrogate, sir ”

1 gaped at the fellow

“Well, everybody seems to be doing it,” I said, “so I suppose
I had better make the thing unanimous Here’s a fiver ”

“Why, thank you, sir This is extremely ”

“It won’t seem much compared with these vast sums you’ve
been acquiring ”

“Oh, I assure you, sir ”

“And I don’t know why I’m giving it to you ”

“No, sir”

“Still, there it is ”

“Thank you very much, sir ”

I got up

“It’s pretty late,” I said, “but I think I’ll dress and go out
and have a bite somewhere I feel like having a whirl of some
kind after two weeks at Harrogate ”

“Yes, sir, I will unpack your clothes ”

“Oh, Jeeves,” I said, “id Peabody and Simms send those
soft silk shirts?”

“Yes, sir I sent them back ”

"Sent them back'”

“Yes, sir ”

192 CARRY ON, JEEVES

I eyed him for a moment But I mean to say I mean, what’s
the use ?

“Oh, all right,” I said “Then lay out one of the gents’ stiff-
bosomed ”

“Very good, sir,” said Jeeves

Bertie Changes his Mind

I T has happened $0 frequently in the past few years that young
fellows starting m my profession have come»to me for a word
of advice, that I have found it convenient now to condense my
system into a brief formula “Resource and Tact”— that is my
motto Tact, of course, has always been with me a sine qua non ,
while as for resource, I think I may say that I have usually
contrived to show a certain modicum of what I might call
finesse in handling those little contretemps which inevitably anse
from tune to tune in the daily life of a gentleman’s personal
gentleman I am reminded, by way of an instance, of the Episode
of the School for Young Ladies near Brighton— an affair which,
I think, may be said to have commenced one evening at the
moment when I brought Mr Wooster his whisky and siphon
and he addressed me with such remarkable petulance
Not a little moody Mr Wooster had been for some days —
far from his usual bright self This I had attributed to the natural
reaction from a slight attack of influenza from which he had
been suffering, and, of course, took no notice, merely performing
my duties as usual, until on the evening of which I speak he
exhibited this remarkable petulance when I brought him his
whisky and siphon

“Oh, dash it, Jeeves'” he said, manifestly overwrought
“I wish at least you’d put it on another table for a change ”
“Sir?” I said

“Every night, dash it all,” proceeded Mr Wooster morosely,
“you come in at exactly the same old tune with the same old
tray and put it on the same old table. I’m fed up, I tell you
It’s the bally monotony of it that makes it all seem so frightfully
bally”

I confess that his words filled me with a certain apprehension
I had heard gentlemen in whose employment I have been speak
m very much the same way before, and it had almost invariably
meant that they were contemplating matrimony. It disturbed
me, therefore, I am free to admit, when Mr Wooster addressed

193

194 CARRY ON, JEEVES

me in this fashion I had no desire to sever a connection so
pleasant in every respect as his and mine had been, and my
experience is that when the wife cones in at the front door
the valet of bachelor days goes out at the back
“It’s not your fault, of course,” went on Mr Wooster, regaining
a certain degree of composure “I’m not blaming you But,
by Jove, I mean, you must acknowledge — I mean to say, I’ve
been thinking pretty deeply these last few d$ys, Jeeves, and I’ve
come to the conclusion fame is an empty life I’m lonely, Jeeves ”
“You have a great many friends, sir ”

“What’s the good of friends ?”

“Emerson,” I reminded him, “says a friend may well be
reckoned the masterpiece of Nature, sir ”

“Well, you can tell Emerson from me next time you see him
that he’s an ass
“Very good, sir ”

“What I want Jeeves, have you seen that play called

I-forget-its-dashed-name ?”

“No, sir”

“It’s on at the What-d’you-call-it I went last night The
hero’s a chap who’s buzzing along, you know, quite merry and
bright, and suddenly a kid turns up and says she’s his daughter
Left over from act one, you know — absolutely the first he’d
heard of it Well, of course, there’s a bit of a fuss and they
say to him, ‘What-ho?’ and he says, ‘Well, what about it?’
and they say, ‘Well, what about it?’ and he says, ‘Oh, all right,
then, if that’s the way you feel!’ and he takes the kid and goes
off with her out into the world together, you know Well, what
I’m driving at, Jeeves, is that I envied that chappie Most awfully
jolly little girl, you know, clinging to him trustingly and what-
not Something to look after, if you know what I mean Jeeves,
I wish I had a daughter I wonder what the procedure is?”
“Marriage is, I believe, considered the preliminary step, sir ”
“No, I mean about adopting a kid You can adopt kids, you
know, Jeeves But what I want to know is how you start about
ft”

“The process, I should imagine, would be highly'comphcated
and laborious, sir It would cut into your spare time ”

•"Well, I’ll tell you what I could do, then My sister will be
back from India next week with her three little girls I’ll give
up this fiat and take a house and have them all to live with me

BERTIE CHANGES HIS MIND 195

By Jove, Jeeves, I think that’s rather a scheme, what ? Prattle of
childish voices, eh? Ltftle feet pattermg hither and thither,
yes?” 1

I con ceale d my perturbation, but the effort to preserve my
sang-froid tested my powers to die utmost The course of action
o utlined by Mr Wooster meant the finish of our cosy bachelor
establishment if it came into being as a practical proposition,
and no doubt someunen m my place wojjld at this juncture have
voiced then disapproval I avoided this blunder

“If you will pardon my saying so, sir,” I suggested, “I think
you are not quite yourself after your influenza If I might express
the opinion, what you require is a few days by the sea Brighton
is very handy, sir ”

“Are you suggesting that I’m talking through my hat ?”

“By no means, sir I merely advocate a short stay at Brighton
as a physical recuperative ”

Mr Wooster considered

“Well, I’m not sure you’re not right,” he said at length “I
am feeling more or less of an onion You might shove a few
thing s m a suit-case and drive me down in the car to-morrow ”

“Very good, sir ”

“And when we get back I’ll be in the pink and ready to tackle
this pattenng-feet wheeze”

“Exactly, sir”

Well, it was a respite, and I welcomed it But I began to
see that a crisis had arisen which would require adroit handling.
Rarely had I observed Mr Wooster more set on a thing Indeed,
I could recall no such exhibition of determination on his part
since the time when he had insisted, against my frank disapproval,
on wearing purple socks However, I had coped successfully
with that outbreak, and I was by no means unsangume that I
should eventually be able to bring the present affair to a happy
issue Employers are like horses They require managing Some
gentlemen’s personal gentlemen have the knack of managing
diem, some have not I, I am happy to say, have no cause for
complaint „

For myself, I found our stay at Brighton highly enjoyable,
and should have been willing to extend it, but Air Wooster,
still restless, weaned of the place by the end of two days, and
on the third afternoon he instructed me to pack up and bring

196 CARRY ON) JEEVES

the car round to the hotel We started back along the London
road at about five of a fine summer’s dav, and had travelled per-
haps two miles when I perceived in th<-< road before us a young
lady, gesticulating with no little animation I apphed the brake
and brought the vehicle to a st ands till
“What,” inquired Mr Wooster, waking from a revene, “is
the big thought at the back of this, Jeeves ?”

“I observed a young lady endeavouring to attract our attention
with signals a littfc way® down the road, sir,” I explained “She
is now making her way towards us ”

Mr Wooster peered

“I see her I expect she wants a lift, Jeeves ”

“That was the interpretation which I placed upon her actions,
sir”

“A jolly-looking kid,” said Mr Wooster "I wonder what
she’s doing, biffing about the high road ”

“She has the air to me, sir, of one who has been absenting
herself without leave from her school, sir ”

“Hallo-allo-allo 1 ” said Mr Wooster, as the child reached us
“Do you want a lift?”

“Oh, I say, can you?” said the child, with marked pleasure
“Where do you want to go

“There’s a turning to die left about a mile farther on If
you’ll put me down there. I’ll walk the rest of the way I say,
thanks awfully I’ve got a nail in my shoe ”

She climbed in at the back A red-haired young person with
asnub nose and an extremely large grin Her age, I should imagine,
would be about twelve She let down one of the spare seats,
and knelt on it to facilitate conversation
“I’m gomg to get into a frightful row,” she began “Miss
Tomlinson will be perfectly furious ”

“No, really said Mr Wooster

“It’s a half-holiday, you know, and I sneaked away to Brighton,
because I wanted to go on the pier and put pennies in the slot-
machines. I thought I could get back in time so that nobody would
notice I’d gone, but I got this nail in my shoe, and jiow there’ll
be a fearful row. Oh, well,” she said, with a philosophy which,
I confess, I admired, “it can’t be helped What’s your car?
A Sunbeam, isn’t it’ We’ve got a Wolseley at home.”

Mr Wooster was visibly perturbed As I have indicated, he
was at this time in a highly malleable frame of mind, tender-

BERTIE CHANGES HIS MIND I97

hearted to a degree where the young of the female sex was
concerned Her sad care touched him deeply
“Oh, I say, this is rafher rotten,” he observed “Isn’t there
anything to be done^ I say, Jeeves, don’t you think something
could be done?” >

“It was not my place to make the suggestion, sir,” I replied,
“but, as you yourself have brought the matter up, I fancy the
trouble is susceptible of adjustment I think it would be a
legitimate subterfuge were you to inform the young lady’s*
school-mistress that you are an old friend of the young lady’s"
father In this case you could inform Miss Tomlinson that you
had been passmg the school and had seen the young lady at the
gate and taken her for a drive Miss To mlin son’s chagrin would
no doubt in these circumstances be sensibly dimini shed if not
altogether dispersed ”

“Well, you are a sportsman 1 ” observed the young person,
with considerable enthusiasm And she proceeded to kiss me
— m connection with which I have only to say that I was sorry
she had just been devouring some sticky species of sweetmeat
“Jeeves, you’ve hit it 1 ” said Mr Wooster “A sound, even
fruity, scheme I say, I suppose I’d better know your name and
all that, if I’m a friend of your father’s ”

“My name’s Peggy Mainwaring, thanks awfully,” said the
young person “And my father’s Professor Mainwaring He’s
written a lot of books You’ll be expected to know that ”

“Author of the well-known series of philosophical treatises,
sir,” I ventured to interject “They have a great vogue, though,
if die young lady will pardon my saying so, many of the Professor’s
opinions strike me personally as somewhat empirical Shall I
drive on to the school, sir

“Yes, carry on I say, Jeeves, it’s a rummy thing Do you
know, I’ve never been inside a girl’s school in my life ”

“Indeed, sir

“Ought to be a dashed interesting experience, Jeeves, what
“I fancy that you may find it so, sir,” I said
We drove^on a matter of half a mile down a lane, and, directed
by the young person, I turned in at the gates of a house of
imposing dimensions, bringing the car to a halt at the front
door Mr Wooster and die child entered, and presently a
parlourmaid came out

“You’re to take the car round to the stables, please,” she said

*198 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“Ah 1 ” I said “Then everything is satisfactory, eh? Where
has Mr Wooster gone’”

“Miss Peggy has taken him off to m^st ner friends And cook
says she hopes you’ll step round to the kitchen later and have a
cup pf tea.”

“Inform her that I shall be delighted Before I take the car
to the stables, would it be possible for me to have a word with
Miss Tomlinson?”

A moment late»I waff following her into the drawing-room

Handsome but strong-minded— that was how I summed up
Miss Tomlinson at first glance In some ways she recalled to
my mind Mr Wooster’s Aunt Agatha She had the same penetrat-
ing gaze and that indefinable air of bemg reluctant to stand
any nonsense

“I fear I am possibly taking a liberty, madam,” I began, “but
I am hoping that you allow me to say a word with respect to
my employer I fancy I am correct m supposmg that Mr Wooster
did not tell you a great deal about himself’”

“He told me nothing about himself, except that he was a
friend of Professor Mainwanng ”

“He did not inform you, then, that he was the Mr Wooster?”

“The Mr Wooster?”

“Bertram Wooster, madam ”

I will say for Mr Wooster that, mentally negligible though
he no doubt is, he has a name that suggests almost infinite
possibilities He sounds, if I may elucidate my meaning, like
Someone — especially if you have just been informed that he
is an intimate friend of so eminent a man as Professor Main-
wanng. You might not, no doubt, be able to say off-hand
whether he was Bertram Wooster the novelist, or Bertram Wooster
the founder of a new school of thought, but you would have an
uneasy feeling that you were exposing your ignorance if you
did not give die impression of familiarity with the name Miss
Tomlinson, as I had rather foreseen, nodded brightly

“Oh, Bertram Wooster 1 ” she said

“He is an extremely retiring gentleman, madam; and would
be the last to suggest it himself, but, knowing him as I do, I
am sure that he would take it as a graceful compliment if you
were to ask him to address the young ladies He is an excellent
extempore speaker ”

BERTIE CHANGES HIS MIND 199’

“A very good idea,” said Miss Tomlinson decidedly “I
am very much obliged \p you for suggesting it I mil certainly
ask him to talk to the ||rls ”

“And should he mak«. a pretence — through modesty — of not
wishin g 1 — ”

“I shall insist ”

“Thank you, madam I am obliged You mil not mention
my share in the matter 5 Mr Wooster,imght think that I had
exceeded my duties ”

I drove round to the stables and halted the car in the yard
As I got out, I looked at it somewhat intently It was a good car,
and appeared to be in excellent condition, but somehow I
seemed to feel that something was going to go wrong with it —
something senous — something that would not be able to be
put right again for at least a couple of hours
One gets these presentiments

It may have been some half-hour later that Mr Wooster
came into the stable-yard as I was le aning against the car enjoying
a quiet cigarette

“No, don’t chuck it away, Jeeves,” he said, as I withdrew the
cigarette from my mouth “As a matter of fact. I’ve come to
touch you for a smoke Got one to spare 5 ”

“Only gaspers, I fear, sir ”

“They’ll do,” responded Mr Wooster, with no little eagerness
I observed that his manner was a trifle fatigued and his eye
somewhat wild “It’s a rummy thin g, Jeeves, I seem to have
lost my cigarette-case Can’t find it anywhere ” •

“I am sorry to hear that, sir It is not in the car ”

“No 5 Must have dropped it somewhere, then” He drew
at his gasper with relish “Jolly creatures, small girls, Jeeves,”
he remarked, after a pause
“Extremely so, sir ”

“Of course, I can imagine some fellows finding them a bit

exhausting in — er ■”

“En mass. & sir 5 ”

“That’s the word A bit exhausting en masse ”

“I must confess, sir, that that is how they used to strike me
In my younger days, at the outset of my career, sir, I was at
one tune page-boy in a school for young ladies ”

“No, really 5 I never knew that before I say, Jeeves — er —

r 200 CARRY ON) JEEVES

did the — er — dear little souls giggle much in your day*”
"Practically without cessation, sir”

“Makes a fellow feel a bit of an ass, wflat ? I shouldn’t wonder
if they usedn’t to stare at you from tun* to time, too, eh?”

“At the school where I was employed, sir, the young ladn*
had a regular game which they were accustomed to play when a
male visitor arrived They would stare fixedly at him and giggly
and there was a small prize for the one wbb made him hinsh
%st ”

“Oh, no, I say, Jeeves, not really ?”

“Yes, sir They derived great enjoyment from the pastime ”
“I’d no idea small girls were such demons ”

“More deadly than the male, sir ”

Mr Wooster passed a handkerchief over his brow
“Well, we’re gomg to have tea in a few minutes, Jeeves I
expect I shall feel better after tea ”

“We will hope so, sir ”

But I was by no means sanguine

I had an agreeable tea in the kitchen The buttered toast was
good and the maids nice girls, though with little conversation
The parlourmaid, who jomed us towards the end of the meal,
after performing her duties in the school dining-room, reported
that Mr Wooster was sticking it pludoly, but seemed feverish
I went back to the stable-yard, and I was just giving the car
another look over when the young Mainwanng child appeared
“Oh, I say,” she said, “will you give this to Mr Wooster
whan you see him?” She held out Mr Wooster’s cigarette-
case “He must have dropped it somewhere I say,” she proceeded,
“it’s an awful lark He’s gomg to give a lecture to the school ”
“Indeed, miss?”

“We love it when there are lectures We sit and stare at the
poor dears, and tty to make them dry up There was a man last
term who got hiccups Do you think Mr Wooster will get
hiccups?”

“We can but hope for the best, miss ”

“It would be such a lark, wouldn’t it?”

“Highly enjoyable, miss ”

“Well, I must be getting back I want to get a front seat ”
And she scampered off An engaging child Full of spirits
She had hardly gone when there was an agitated noise, and

BERTIE CHANGES HIS MIND 201*

around the comer came Mr Wooster Perturbed Deeply so
“Jeeves 1 ”

“Sir*’

“Start the car 1 ”

“Sir?”

“I’m off'”

'Sir*’

Mr Wooster daaced a few steps ,

“Don’t stand there saying ‘sir?’ I tell you* I’m off Bally offl
There’s not a moment to waste The situation’s desperate
Dash it, Jeeves, do you know what’s happened > The Tomlinson
female has just sprung it on me that I’m expected to mat-* a
speech to the girls 1 Got to stand up there in front of the whole
dashed collection and talk' I can just see myself' Get that car
going, Jeeves, dash it all A litde speed, a little speed'”
“Impossible, I fear, sir The car is out of order ”

Mr Wooster gaped at me Very glassily he gaped
“Out of order'”

“Yes, sir Something is wrong Trivial, perhaps, but possibly
a matter of some little time to repair ” Mr Wooster, being one
of those easygoing young gentlemen who will drive a car but
never take the trouble to study its mechanism, I felt justified in
becoming technical “I think it is the differential gear, sir
Either that or the exhaust ”

I am fond of Mr Wooster, and I admit I came very near to
melting as I looked at his face He was staring at me in a sort of
dumb despair that would have touched anybody
“Then I’m sunk' Or” — a slight gleam of hope flickered across
his drawn features — “do you think I could sneak out and leg
it across country, Jeeves*’

“Too late, I fear, sir ” I indicated with a slight gesture the
approaching figure of Miss Tomlinson, who was advancing with
a serene determination m his immediate rear
“Ah, there you are, Mr Wooster ”

He smiled a sickly smile
“Yes— e$— here I am'”

“We are all waiting for you in the large school-room ”

“But, I say, look here,” said Mr Wooster, “I — I don’t know
a bit what to talk about ”

“Why, anything, Mr Wooster Anything that comes into your
head Be bright,” said Miss Tomlinson "Bright and amusing ”

h02 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“Oh, bright and amusing 5 ”

“Possibly tell them a few entertaining sf ones But, at the samp
time, do not neglect the graver note Bimember that my girls
are on the threshold of life, and will be lager to hear something
brave. and helpful and stimulating — something which they can
remember in after years But, of course, you know the sort of
thing, Mr Wooster Come The young people are waiting ”

„ I have spoken earlier of resource and the part it plays in the
life of a gentleman’s personal gentleman It is a quality peculiarly
necessary if one is to share in scenes not primarily designed for
one’s co-operation So much that is interesting in life goes on
apart behind dosed doors that your gentleman’s gentleman,
if he is not to r emain hopelessly behind the march of events,
should exercise his wits m order to enable himself to be —
if not a spectator— at least an auditor when there is anything
of interest toward I deprecate as vulgar and undignified the
practice of listening at keyholes, but without lowering myself
to that, I have generally contrived to find a way

In the present case it was simple The large schoolroom was
situated on the ground floor, with commodious French windows,
which, as the weather was dement, remained open throughout
the proceedings By stationing myself behind a pillar on the
porch or veranda which adjoined the room, I was enabled to
see and hear all It was an experience which I should be sorry
to have missed Mr Wooster, I may say at once, indubitably
excelled himself

Mr Wooster is a young gentleman with practically every
desirable quality except one I do not mean brains, for m an
employer brains are not desirable The quality to which I
allude is hard to define, but perhaps I might call it the gift of
dealing with the Unusual Situation In the presence of the
- Unusual, Mr Wooster is too prone to smile weakly and allow
his eyes to protrude. He lacks Presence I have often wished that
I had the power to bestow upon him some of the saootr-fatre
of a former employer of mine, Mr Montague-TodiJ, the well-
known financier, now in the second year of his sentence I have
known men call upon Mr Todd with the express intention of
horsewhipping him and go away half an hour later laughing
heartily and smoking one of his cigars To Mr Todd it would
have been child’s play to speak a few impromptu words to a

BERTIE CHANGES HIS MIND 203*

schoolroom full of young ladies, in fact, before he had finished,
he would probably hav\ induced them to invest all their pocket-
money m one of his numerous companies, but to Mr Wooster
it was plainly an ordemof the worst description He gave one
look at the young ladies, who were all staring at him «n an
extremely unwinking manner, then blinked and started to
pick feebly at his coat-sleeve His aspect r emin ded me of that of
a bashful young man who, persuaded against his better judgment
to go on die platform and assist a conjurer u?his entertainment*
suddenly discovers that rabbits and hard-boiled eggs are being
taken out of the top of his head

The proceedings opened with a short but graceful speech
of introduction from Miss Tomlinson
'“Girls,” said Miss Tomlinson, “some of you have already
met Mr Wooster — Mr Bertram Wooster, and you all, I hope,
know him by reputation ” Here, I regret to say, Mr Wooster
gave a hideous, gurgling laugh and, catching Miss Tomlinson’s
eye, turned a bright scarlet Miss Tomlinson resumed “He has
very kindly consented to say a few words to you before he leaves,
and I am sure that you will all give him your very earnest atten-
tion Now, please ”

She gave a spacious gesture with her right hand as she said
the last two words, and Mr Wooster, apparently under the
impression that they were addressed to him, cleared his throat
and began to speak But it appeared that her remark was directed
to the young ladies, and was in the nature of a cue or signal,
for she had no sooner spoken them than the whole school rose
to its feet in a body and burst into a species of chant, of which
I am glad to say I can remember the words, though the tune
eludes me The words ran as follows —

“Many greetings to you'

Many greetings to you!

Many greetings, dear stranger.

Many greetings,

Many greetings.

Many greetings to you 1
Many greetings to you 1
To you'”

Considerable latitude of choice was given to the singers m

204 CARRY ON, JEEVES

the matter of key, and there was little of, what I might call co-
operative effort Each child went on till sle had reached the end,
then stopped and waited for the straggle® to come up It was an
unusual performance, and I, personany, found it extremely
exhilarating It seemed to smite Mr wooster, however, like a
blow* He recoiled a couple of steps and flung up an arm de-
fensively Then the uproar died away, and an air of expectancy
fell upon the room Miss Jomknson directed aimghtly authorita-
tive gaze upon Ml* Wooster, and he blinked, gulped once or
twice, and tottered forward

“Well, you know ” he said

Then it seemed to strike him that this opening lacked the
proper formal dignity

“Ladies ■”

A silvery peal of laughter from the front row stopped him
again

“Girls'” said Miss Tomlinson She spoke in a low, soft voice,
but the effect was immediate Perfect stillness instantly descended
upon all present I am bound to say that, brief as my acquaintance
with Miss Tomlinson had been, I could recall few women I had
admired more She had grip

I fancy that Miss Tomlinson had gauged Mr Wooster’s
oratorical capabilities pretty correcdy by this time, and had
come to the conclusion that htde m the way of a stirring address
was to be expected from him

“Perhaps,” she said, “as it is getting late, and he has not very
much time to spare, Mr Wooster will just give you some little
word of advice which may be helpful to you m after-life, and
then we will sing the school song and disperse to our evening
lessons”

She looked at Mr Wooster He passed a Anger round the
inside of his collar

“Advice ^ After-life? What^ Well, I don’t know ”

“Just some brief word of counsel, Mr Wooster,” said Miss
Tomlinson firmly

“Oh, well Well, yes Well ” It was, painful to

see Mr Wooster’s brain endeavouring to work “Well, I’ll tell
you something that’s often done me a bit of good, and it’s a
thmg not many people know My old Uncle Henry gave me the
tip when I first came to London. ‘Never forget, my boy,’ he
said, ‘that, if you stand outside Romano’s in the Strand, you

BERTIE CHANGES HIS MIND 205

can see the clock on the wall of the Law Courts down in Fleet
Street Most people wp don’t know don’t believe it’s possible.,
because there are a couale of churches in the middle of the road,
and yon would think ney would be in the way But you can,
and it’s worth knowing Tfou can win a lot of money betting on
it with fellows who haven’t found it out ’ And, by Jove, he was
perfectly right, and if s a dung to remember Many a quid have
I o ,,

Miss Tomlinson gave a hard, dry cough, 'hnd he stopped u»
the middle of a sentence

“Perhaps it will be better, Mr Wooster,” she said, in a cold,
even voice, “if you were to tell my girls some little story What
you say is, no doubt, extremely interesting, but perhaps a
lifde ”

“Oh, ah, yes,” said Mr Wooster “Story? Story?” He ap-
peared completely distraught, poor young gendeman “I wonder
if you’ve heard the one about the stockbroker and the chorus-
girl?”

“We will now smg the school song,” said Miss Tomlinson,
rising like an iceberg

I decided not to remain for the singing of the school song
It seemed probable to me that Mr Wooster would shardy be
requiring the car, so I made my way back to the stable-yard, to
be m readiness

I had not long to wait In a very few moments he appeared,
tottering Mr Wooster’s is not one of those inscrutable faces
which it is impossible to read On the contrary, it is a limpid
pool m which is mirrored each passing emotion I tiould read it
now like a book, and his first words were very much on the lines
I had anticipated

“Jeeves,” he said hoarsely, “is that damned car mended yet ?”

“Just this moment, sir I have been working on it assiduously ”

“Then, for heaven’s sake, lefs go!”

“But I understood that you were to address the young ladies,
sir”

“Oh, Fvg done that'” responded Mr Woostar, blinking
twice with extraordinary rapidity “Yes, I’ve done that ”

“It was a success, I hope, sir ?”

“Oh, yes. Oh, yes Most extraordinarily successful Went
like a breeze But — er — I think I may as well be going No use
outstaying (Mae’s welcome, what?”

*206 CARRY ON, JEEVES

“Assuredly not, sir ”

I had chxnbed into my seat and was alout to start the en gine,
when voices made themselves heard, and at the first sound of
them Mr Wooster sprang with almost mcredible nimhlpnw S
into the tonneau, and when I glanced round he was on the floor
coveting himself with a rug The last I saw of him was a pleading
eye

“Have you seen Mr Rooster, my man ?”

Miss Tomhnsofi had entered the stable-yard, accompanied
by a lady of, I should say, judging from her accent, French
origin

“No, madam ”

The French lady uttered some exclamation in her native
tongue

_ “Is any thing wrong, madam?” I inquired
Miss Tomlinson in normal mood was, I should be disposed
to imagine, a lady who would not readily confide her troubles
to the ear of a gentleman’s gentleman, however sympathetic his
aspect That she did so now was sufficient indication of the
depth to which she was stirred
“Yes, there is 1 Mademoiselle has just found several of the
girls smoking cigarettes in the shrubbery When questioned,
they stated that Mr Wooster had given them the horrid things ”
She turned “He must be in the garden somewhere, or m die
house I think the man is out of his senses Come, mademoiselle!”

It must have been about a minute later that Ms Wooster
poked his head out of the rug like a tortoise
“Jeeves'”*'

“Sir?”

“Get a move on' Start her up' Get going and keep going'”

I apphed my foot to the self-starter

“It would perhaps be safest to drive carefully until we are out
of the school grounds, sir,” I said “I might run over one of the
young ladies, sir ”

“Well, what’s the objection to that demanded Mr Wooster
with extraordinary bitterness
“Or even Miss Tomlinson, sir ”

“Don’t 1 ” said Mr Wooster wistfully “You make my mouth
water!”

“Jeeves,” said Mr Wooster, when I brought him his whisky

BERTIE CHANGES HIS MIND 207

and siphon one night about a week later, “this is dashed jolly ”
“Sir?” \

“Jolly Cosy and plet sant, you know I mean looking at the
clod: and wondering if jbu’re going to be late with the good old
drinks, and then you- coding in with the tray always exactly on
tune, never a minute late, and shoving it down on thq sable
and biffing off, and the next night coming in and shoving it down
and biffing off, and* the next night — I mean, gives you a sort of
safe, restful feeling Soothing' That’s the ward Soothing'”

“Yes, sir Oh, by the way, sir ”

“Well?”

“Have you succeeded m finding a suitable house yet, sir 5 ”
“House 5 What do you mean, house ?”

“I understood, sir, that it was your intention to give up the
flat and take a house of sufficient size to enable you to have
your sister, Mrs Scholfield, and her three young ladies to live
with you ”

Mr Wooster shuddered strongly
“That’s off, Jeeves,” he said
“Very good, sir,” I replied